Would you message the Other Woman?

[NameChange99xx]

If you found out your husband was having an affair but turned nasty and vindictive refusing to tell you what happened (where and when etc.) for your clarity. Would you message the other woman to try and get her side of the story?

YABU - No I wouldn’t message her.
YANBU - Yes I would message her.

I probably wouldn't. The details will only torment you and, if they're still together then the first thing she'll do is tell your husband, which will cause more issues.

The only time I might consider it is if she has herself has since split with him and I was gathering evidence for the divorce. She'd be more likely to talk to you in that scenario I'd guess. Female unity and all that.

Yes, I would and I did but given your husbands behaviour surely the marriage is over and there’s nothing to be gained. Put your energy in to tossing his things out the window and changing the locks or making a solicitors appointment or speaking to family and friends to get support to move on from him.

What else is there to know? Move on.

don’t do it, it won’t make you feel better and will probably make you feel worse.

No, because (a) I don't need or want her side
of the story and (b) I probably wouldn’t get it anyway.

He cheated. No ifs, no buts, the marriage is at an end. Get a solicitor, take advice on your protecting your position, and separate / commence divorce proceedings.

No, don’t feed the beast.

You don’t have affairs with married men if you don’t love a bit of drama! Don’t give them the drama they are craving.

I completely understand your need for answers but she’s not your route to that.

I would be tempted to message her to let her know that you have caught an std from him, as you bet he hasn't mentioned it. And that she should know she isn't the only one. Even if she was.

Of course not. Why would some random woman who's loyalty lay firmly with my partner possibly help me in any way? Anything she told me (unless she had no idea until then he was married) would have an agenda. Either to spilt us up if he wanted him or to cover up if she wanted to protect him. I'd get more reliable information checking my horoscope.
Plus there's dignity at stake. I'd already be imagining the two of them framing me as a sad desperate nuisance that he just couldnt shake off to be with her (this tends to be what they tell each other) so the last thing I'd want is to confront her in anyway. It all feels a bit Jolene.

I think the urge would be overwhelming, but ultimately I don’t think getting answers would make you happy OP. You’re just going to torture yourself. He’s a cheating arsehole - that’s all you need to know.

Depends how you are and what you want from it. Are you reasonably calm, and prepared for it to not go as expected? If you're already very fragile it's maybe not a good idea. Do you have DC - Is she going to be in their lives?

I would want to do it - it's quite likely your H has lied to her and it might be helpful for both of you.

It's so tempting, but you need to act as if she is so asinine, as to be beneath your level of annoyance.

Perfect response.

No what good would it do?

What if he hasn't told her that he's married? Not all men volunteer this information you know

My friend had this. He was "deliriously happy with my new partner" and told my partner, his (ex) friend, he'd never had so much sex in his life. The woman was 17 years younger. They actually got married. My friend did speak to the OW but only about retrieving property from the house. She was actually very nice and had been spun a line and my friend was of course the crazy ex.

As I said they married after some grand gesture involving a massive diamond and the Eiffel Tower, but it lasted about 18 months when his new wife left him.

No, I wouldn’t assume she’d tell me the truth. I would just know enough ie that I wouldn’t continue the relationship purely based on his behaviour, I don’t need the “closure” that you seem to think comes from knowing the ins and outs. The sooner im out of the relationship, the sooner I can move on - and I don’t need to give him any power by using the lack of detail as a reason to stay.

Depends on the situation. If it looks like she might not even know he’s married then I might get a friend to contact her on my behalf. I wouldn’t want direct contact though. I voted not unreasonable but as I sit here thinking about it I’m starting to think that it’s a bad idea and likely to backfire

YANBU OP.

I hate this whole 'be the bigger person, don't say anything' bollocks. I also hate the whole 'don't blame the OW' if she knew about you she also has a huge part to play.

my 'bigness' is not measured on quietly abiding poor behaviour and the mistreatment of others.
I said something and I'm glad I did too. She never gave me any details but she didn't need to.

No I wouldn’t. My ex-OH did similar & the OW sent me a fb message saying she’d give me any information I wanted but I never messaged her. I wasn’t sure what she could tell me that would benefit me in any way.

Sadly definitions of “within reason” obviously differ greatly, depending on what type of person you are.

Don’t contact her. She’ll probably lie and it won’t change anything or make you feel better.

She’s just going to lie and minimise it in the same way he probably has. Sorry if you’re going through this.

What's the point? Your husband is the one in the wrong and if his response to being caught out is to be 'nasty and vindictive' then I'd say there's no salvaging that marriage.

If you personally know the woman - ie someone you are friends with, then maybe. But even then, what's the point? Because they are probably even more likely to lie if you know them.

Whilst I agree, I'm not sure what difference that makes to the OP confronting her. Her husband still cheated on her, no matter what he told the OW.

And no, I wouldn't message her OP. Seriously, what's the point? No matter what he told her, your husband is the one who has lied and betrayed you. Her version of events is completely irrelevant.

I would, she may be grateful to be told hes married

I don't see what benefit you'd get from it.