Would you message the Other Woman?

[NameChange99xx]

If you found out your husband was having an affair but turned nasty and vindictive refusing to tell you what happened (where and when etc.) for your clarity. Would you message the other woman to try and get her side of the story?

YABU - No I wouldn’t message her.
YANBU - Yes I would message her.

Do you wan't him to feel he has women fighting over him? All that will do is feed his ego.

😯

No. You husband had an affair and is now being nasty and vindictive. End of marriage.

Why do you need to know the details? It would only make the pain worse.

Yes, but out of courtesy in case they didn't know they were involved with somebody in a relationship rather than to ask for details. Assume a partner who would cheat on you is lying to the other person too. The innocent other person may need / want STI testing and it's courteous to tell people about novel risks to their health.

Why would I? He cheated, he's out.

Life doesn't get better by finding out how long he fucked her for. The point is that he did it at all.

The more you know the more you hurt.

Every moment you spend on their story is a moment you aren't rebuilding a better life in your own story.

Haven't they had enough of your tears and time?

I thought about it… I didn’t bother, I just divorced him. Sorted.

No.

It sounds like you want him back.

But nothing she says will make you hate him less.

And my worst case scenario would be that he wants to come back and makes life difficult. Better all round if he stays with her.

No I really wouldn’t waste my precious time on her.

Focus on yourself and ridding yourself of your awful cheating lying scum husband

I had an alternative version of this, which is that the OW messaged me because she had only just discovered that we were still married. She apologised and said that she wanted to explain, and that she would have made very different decisions if she'd known the truth. She wanted to meet up. I thought about it for a long time (and still wonder if it would be helpful) because I've always been a "give me all the details" person. But it felt too risky and I wasn't sure that knowing the full extent of his betrayal would have been helpful.

I am glad she got in touch though, as it ended months of him gaslighting me into thinking I was going mad. Even when I'd found conclusive proof, and even when she has confirmed their affair, he still wouldn't confirm it.

I mean like don't have sex with a relative or minor. You are allowed to have sex with whoever you want, morally we all differ and I wouldn't fuck someone married, but I could! You can clearly understand my point, that it's not the other woman's fault. She is allowed to fuck someone's husband whether she knows or not.

I didn't, but I kind of wish I had. Maybe I still will.

I think it would have demystified things for me. My husband had a long standing affair/ relationship with a much younger woman in another country where he worked. There might have been something about meeting the woman who had been living my life, and who had known all about me while I was unaware of her existence, that I think could have given me some sense of perspective.

She may be technically “allowed” to do so, but she’s still a selfish bitch if she knowingly does.

Or yet another woman who doesn’t know she is the OW.

Put the blame on the man, where it belongs. He shouldn’t be playing the field with and children at home.

Absolutely not. I’d be keeping my dignity.

Maybe she fell in love with him? People are allowed to prioritise their own feelings over those of a stranger. That’s human nature.

It was the man who made the decision to not to remain faithful to his wife. The blame lies entirely with him.

Women have been known to do the right thing and walk away from a married man, even when they are ‘in love ’.
I think in an affair both parties wrong and equally to me blame.
Decent women just don’t sleep with married men.
(lonely , vulnerable May do ).
Especially as there are many, many single men out there.

I wouldn’t. My ex cheated. I confided in my sister and that stupid cow she messaged the other woman. I never wanted that to happen and had no intention of doing that myself. And oh god, how I wished she hadn’t done it. Or sent me screenshots of all the horrible things she had to say about me. I was already in a really dark place and it really tipped me over the edge into a very poor mental state.

In short, don’t do it. You’re very unlikely to feel better about things from hearing her side.

“Maybe she fell in love with him? People are allowed to prioritise their own feelings over those of a stranger. That’s human nature.”

Of course that’s true. It’s still selfish though.

No why would she care about you and your feelings.if she been shagging your husband she won’t be the type of person who would be upset and confess. Concentrate on husband and getting rid. If he wanted forgiveness he would have been honest with you but he doesn’t care or respect you. Don’t put yourself through any more pain. He’s done it.

No, I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of thinking I cared about keeping him at that point.

You usually find these women then lose interest as they think they've been having an affair with someone not worth fighting over.

She will just lie, most likely.

Unless she's unaware she's the OW.

I did. Not to get information from her because knowing he had cheated was enough to throw him out.
I wanted her to know he had been lying to her too, we definitely weren’t staying together for the kids to my knowledge and we definitely were still sleeping in the same bed.
She was also cheating on her partner so doubt she cared or felt guilty.
To be honest him meeting her was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Probably. And then probably regret it.