Who is bu about wedding situation?

[Youresovainvain]

This isn’t about me but someone I know a difficult situation.

Man and woman are getting married, they’ve already been together for 10 years.

The woman wants to elope or just have a tiny wedding with two witnesses. Her pov is that she doesn’t want a big fuss, she feels that if they try to have a small wedding it will escalate and get out of hand. Overbearing relatives that will try to take over the arrangements, if you invite Sue then you have to invite Sue’s partner and children (that sort of thing). She also feels that they don’t have the money for a proper wedding.

The man agrees that he doesn’t want a fuss, but he is worried about upsetting his family and what they might think. He just feels that it wouldn’t be right to do it without involving his family.

Yabu - the man is in the right
Yanbu - the woman is in the right

They’re both right because it’s a subjective question. Personally I would say to anyone that they should have the wedding they want and not consider what their relatives might want or expect- it’s not the relatives’ wedding.

can they elope and then have a bigger party after to celebrate?

they can absolutely have a small wedding without it getting out of hand.

do the registry office thing, invite a strictly drawn set of close family (eg parents, siblings), meal after sat nice restaurant or just a small reception at home if money is really tight. Do it at short notice with things already arranged and limited room space so you can’t be ambushed or pressured to invite more people.

there’s a compromise here, and good marriages are all about compromise.

Neither. They both need to decide on a plan together and stick to it.

What’s your skin in the game?

They could just get legally married and not tell anyone.

No right or wrong here, but they should decide together what they want

I know the woman and she told me about it.

I could see both sides but I did lean a bit more to being on her side. She said she’s hurt because she feels that he doesn’t care about the wedding or the arrangements it’s just about what people think.

From what she’s said he won’t budge anyway so they either do it his way or no marriage.

Neither are unreasonable. Ultimately, the man needs to think about whether it’s upsetting people he feel more worried about, or whether he genuinely wouldn’t feel right about eloping because it’s important to him to have his family see him married.

We made sure we picked a venue that was very special and meaningful to both of us, but could only fit 30 guests. It meant we got to have a small wedding with the people we love the most, keeping it very easy to say to everyone else that it was a matter of the venue being non-negotiable and that meaning it needed to be just those closest to us: we could easily have ended up either having a big wedding and having to invite 150 plus people, or a middling size and people who didn’t make the middling cut feeling aggrieved.

DH and I, both had 2 failed marriages each, booked a register office, asked 2 close friends to witness, and told everybody afterwards. I think everyone was relieved they didnt have to deal with all.the wedding malarkey 😆😆......and it was very inexpensive!!

From what she’s said he won’t budge anyway so they either do it his way or no marriage.

Why would you consider marrying someone who doesn't give a shit about what you want? Ffs she needs to not commit her life to this guy!

She needs to rethink marrying someone who isn't prepared to put what they both want ahead of keeping a demanding family happy.

He needs to be more worried about upsetting his partner than his relatives.

He feels it wouldn't be right to do it without his family and won't budge on having .... what? his parents and siblings?

I don't think that's unreasonable.

DH and i were in this exact place 15 years ago. I wanted just us, he didn't want a big do but did feel his parents and siblings should be there.

We had a lovely day time wedding with 12 people there and it was fine. No massive expense and everyone was broadly happy.

MIL bit miffed we didn't have auntie this and cousin that but tough.

He agrees he doesn't want a fuss, but at the same time he isn't agreeing to her suggestion because he is worried about what his family might think? Can't he just talk to his family and say that he and his fiancee want to elope or similar? It would be one thing if he was desperate for a bit do - but it sounds like he isn't, he just won't have an adult conversation with his folks about it. Worrying sign...

Maybe his partner should be more worried about forcing him to upset his family?

Marriage is about compromise. Not just keeping the introvert happy.

(i'm a fully paid up introvert!)

I'd advise your friend not to marry a mummy's boy.

From the OP it looks like she also doesn’t give a shit about what he wants either.

they either do it his way or no marriage

And that's why she shouldn't marry him.

No, he wants the same as OP but won't put what they collectively want over what his family wants, when it isn't their marriage.

This nails it.

I’d run a mile from mama’s boy.

The OP only describes what the woman wants. It hasn't mentioned her not agreeing to marry if she doesn't get it. Whereas the man has done this.

There isn't a right or wrong here. They just want different things. Neither are unreasonable

Surely there’s a compromise? Closest four or five family members on each side, or something like that.

Both are right. Why should one suffer to please the other? Not a good start to a marriage.

Compromise. Small wedding service with immediate family, minimal flowers in a registry office or intimate venue followed by a dinner in a booked room in a restaurant with family. You're limited by space in both so no that excuses you from inviting your neighbour's friend's son's goldfish. Invite you who like, not who wants an invitation. Prioritise nearest and dearest and tell everyone else that it was a small do and very simple.

What about booking the registry office and inviting immediate family to "a special lunch/dinner etc". They can hint they are making a special announcement. Meeting place is next to the registry office. Or meet at the restaurant, arrange transport to the registry and announce they are getting married then and there.

Everyone should be dressed nicely (they can always be told to) and everyone is present.

Is there a compromise. Say they get 10 people each.? Or it’s just their parents and their children?