Who is bu about wedding situation?

[Youresovainvain]

This isn’t about me but someone I know a difficult situation.

Man and woman are getting married, they’ve already been together for 10 years.

The woman wants to elope or just have a tiny wedding with two witnesses. Her pov is that she doesn’t want a big fuss, she feels that if they try to have a small wedding it will escalate and get out of hand. Overbearing relatives that will try to take over the arrangements, if you invite Sue then you have to invite Sue’s partner and children (that sort of thing). She also feels that they don’t have the money for a proper wedding.

The man agrees that he doesn’t want a fuss, but he is worried about upsetting his family and what they might think. He just feels that it wouldn’t be right to do it without involving his family.

Yabu - the man is in the right
Yanbu - the woman is in the right

Ouch. "My way or the highway" is a Mumsnet-certified red flag.

You are being unreasonable to think that either person is being unreasonable.

Whether you're the man or the woman, if you can't even agree on this you probably should not be getting married at all.

I would have suggested a compromise but it doesn’t sound like he is interested in what his wife to be wants at all - which is a huge red flag,I would suggest my friend carefully looks at this relationship before committing to him. A selfish man will only get worse.

Parents, siblings and any very close relatives is a minimum i think

She is unreasonable to think that it’s impossible to have a small wedding without it getting out of hand so I don’t think that’s a good enough reason to say her partner can’t have his parents and close family there (unless he wants a large wedding with lots of extended family?).

Parents, siblings, close friends, and no one else. Or just parents. Or just close friends. We had 15 people at our wedding, it didn’t get out of hand, it was pretty cheap (we did a meal out which was the most expensive part but other than that, very cheap as we had no wedding “stuff” like flowers or photographer or cars etc).

Following updates, the compromise here would be immediate family only- but when we arranged ours the numbers were tricky- we had a party of 10 but if we’d wanted 11 it would have been the next package up (30) so more expense and then you think you have to invite 30 to fill the spaces.

I also see the point about Sue’s partner and kids- some people are very odd about doing anything without their OH and unwilling to see it from the bridal couple’s point of view, only their own. If there is a sibling like this it could make things difficult. Or if one family is much bigger than the other, does that person get to invite friends to make up their numbers? Etc.

But if either one refuses any sort of compromise then it’s a bit of a non starter, isn’t it.

You could also say why would he marry a woman who doesn't give a shit about what he wants and the fact he thinks his family are important to him..... Why does what she wants more important?

She is wrong to claim that you can't have a small wedding without it getting out of control, yes you can have a small wedding with the people who matter most to you.

I wouldn’t want to get married without telling or inviting my parents and siblings. I think that’s a big ask. It sounds like the woman would be happy with a smaller wedding but can’t organise one because her boundaries are so poor, I’ve got a few friends who have had very small weddings - one literally parents and siblings, others that have included siblings partners and dc, a few which have had around 20- 30 guests. Other people are capable of doing it so why isn’t she? What makes it tricky is families where the B&G have 8 parents between them and 4/5 siblings each and one party wants their beloved niece to come which opens it to the 6 other nieces/nephews and it’s weird to invite someone plus kids but not partner so you’ve basically included almost 40 people with “well it’s just parents and sibling”. 4 parents and 4 siblings and a nice table for 10 for lunch is not impossible if you only have the normal compliment of parents and siblings.

they are both right in their own way. However if they can'T agree on that, they shouldn't get married.

I agree. He’s not asking for a big wedding with 100 people. Surely you can have a tiny wedding without fuss with just parents and a friend apiece as a witness? Still not letting it escalate into something big, but not excluding the parents who will most likely see their offspring’s wedding as a very special day in their lives. It’s different if you’ve been married before, especially several times. Then it’s not such a novelty for people and they probably won’t mind missing it.

As I said before, the OP says only that is what she has said she wants. She hasn't threatened to not marry or do anything that suggests she doesn't care about what he wants.

Whereas the man is insisting it's his way or nothing.

Perhaps the woman has said this as well, perhaps not, but I'm only going on what the OP has said.

Do you now understand the difference between expressing what you want, and saying that you will only do that and nothing else?

I agree to an extent. But I imagine most people who are shouting about his lack of compromise probably wouldn’t have compromised on having their own parents at their wedding (provided no horrible family falling out or parental abuse of course).

Nobody's right or wrong . They need to learn to work together.

My husband has a large-ish and very close family, our options as we saw it were either elope or have a big wedding.
I was team elope (cheaper and less headspace for planning,) but after his sister eloped (clearly the same school of thought) we had a big wedding in the end.
My reasoning was you either invite all the family if they’re close or none of them, otherwise you get hurt feelings, which is not the point.

Why does that only work one way ?

Why isn't she concerned about him wanting such a big life event to include his immediate family ?

How does including people close to you in your wedding, make you a "mama's boy" ?

As most people have said, this isn't a one person is right or one person is wrong question. Couples need to do what is right for them, and where they think differently, they need to find a way to work out a compromise together.

Extended family is part of life and part of a marriage. There is middle ground between a wedding with 2nd cousins and your mother’s hairdresser or absolutely no one.

Just having parents present or parents and siblings with spouses would take care of most family drama and keep things very small. It could just be a quick ceremony and a meal in a restaurant or even at home.

The other option is to do a sneaky wedding. Invite the small group of people for a general get together (eg celebrate our 10 yrs together) and then on the day say, by the way we're getting married.

Stops a whole lot of people meddling in the invites, no dramas with wedding presents etc

Solution is they agree strict, very strict numbers, no budge room, no squeezing in, no "you won't even notice them" because once overbearing relatives get in an inch they will take the piss.

And if anyone tries to push it, HE has to be the one to tell them to fuck off.

I’ll call her Julie.

The way Julie said it to me was that she has several siblings both have second families and step children plus grandchildren and she doesn’t feel that she could just invite her siblings but exclude the stepchildren/grandchildren. The siblings children and step children also have partners. She feels her siblings would be very offended if she didn’t invite their partners/children/stepchildren and grandchildren and it would cause a big fallout.

The husband has a much smaller family, one sibling with no children plus his parents.

But she feels it would be terrible to invite his family only and not hers.

Parents only ?

5 people each to chose ?

Why does she not suggest having a civil partnership instead of a marriage? Does not carry the same cultural/religious baggage, but offers very similar rights and protections (tax, iht, property etc). Main difference is the process to end the relationship - dissolution rather than divorce. Family and friends might see it as an admin type thing rather than associating it with a wedding/celebration. They could still have some sort of blessing/event thing abroad just for the two of them - nobody needs to call it a wedding.

One caveat is that UK civil partnership is not internationally recognised in the same way as marriage, so can cause issues if you want to emigrate.

However I would not want to be bound to this man in any way (official or inofficial), since his inability to compromise is very off-putting.

So even the tiniest wedding with only parents, siblings and partners could be 15 people at a minimum (assuming she has 4 siblings). Would the groom be happy that his party contains 3 guest but hers at least 10?

Also, if her siblings have grandchildren, the bride (if not the groom) are unlikely to be spring chickens themselves. Also they have been together for 10 years already. It sounds as if BF is not that fussed about marriage tbh. Why does she want to marry? If it's for the legal protections, then see my comment above re. civil partnership.

It depends. Generally these scenarios turn into she gets who she wants at the wedding but doesn’t want his family there. If one wants certain people there I think that trumps the other because there’ll be more regrets about the people who weren’t there

That’s more or less the gist of it. She has a large immediate family and she thinks it will turn into a circus.

I must admit I was leaning towards being on her side.

I don’t know what they’ve are going to do unless she decides ti fill me in but she was very anxious.

So because she doesn’t want all her family she thinks he shouldn’t have his either? Bit unfair