To hate the school system and at end of tether

[Spiritofeden1989]

My DD is year 9 - she’s bright, was above average in her SATS but the secondary system has broken her completely.

She used to love learning - she struggled to settle at secondary and hasn’t had any support, quite the opposite in fact. The school is so punitive that it’s broken her completely- she was at one point school refusing because she couldn’t face being punished for forgetting a pen.

Instead of supporting her to come back, they have been useless and it’s been like a spiral downwards. They treat her like they have given up on her. She’s not naughty, just disengaged and they don’t care.

I am now worried that my bright once engaged child who loved learning is now going to fail her GCSEs because of a total failure in support. I have to fight at every single turn for everything- no one has ever once asked her in school if she’s ok or bothered to find out what might help.

I am in total despair- the other local schools don’t have places so I can’t move her despite trying desperately. I feel like my relationship with the school has broken down as no one has listened to me. It’s archaic and at no point has the wellbeing of the child in mind.

Anyone got any advice? Am at end of my tether.

What exactly have the issues been with school?

Indeed - surely when she said she didn't want to go in because they'd punish her for not having a pen you'd... give her a pen?

She got very anxious and didn’t settle in year 7- started off going to the sick room a lot to get out of lessons. They didn’t understand that link and would tell her off, give her behaviour points, detentions for ‘truancy’ then she got scared to go to lessons and then would get sanctioned for that. It’s just spiralled. They haven’t really tried to help her get back into lessons and have a real punishment culture- then she was missing school and there was no help to get her back into school. Etc. It’s been a nightmare.

Thanks for the nasty comment.

I was just asking for advice.

Can you do home school/online school until a place comes up at another local school?

Are you on the waiting list for all the reasonable alternatives?

Is she getting help with her anxiety and to build resilience?

Jeez what horrible replies. OP, I’d push school to make changes. I know it’s hard but remind them that if she burns out and doesn’t go for an extended period, that will impact their stats. Wishing you all the best, it is exhausting

20 years of teaching and 3 kids through secondary…. You’re right. The system is shit. All they care about is exam results and no one gives a toss about individual well being. That goes for the teachers as much as the kids. I wanted no part of it and left.

I don’t know what the solution is, but I empathise with your predicament.

If only it was that easy to deal with school refusal and anxiety, almost as easy as posting a twatty comment to look clever.

Is your senco involved? I have been applying for EHCPs for our students who are unable to attend school due to their anxiety. In the mean time we have offered a graduated approach to reintegrating back into school and referrals to the mental health team. Has she been able to attend at all and if not who is in charge of putting a plan in place? Might be her head of house or the safeguarding team?

A bit disappointed with these comments here, I have to say!

OP I'm sorry your daughter is struggling. I do agree that the school system is a very "one size fits all" approach (Alexa: play Another Brick in the Wall by Pink Floyd). There are so many children who struggle in this system and I really feel for you.

However.

Is it possible to look at ways to help your daughter's anxiety? It may be worth speaking to the GP about getting her some therapy or some medication to help!

@Spiritofeden1989 i feel for you. Does your local council have a 14-19 study programme your daughter could attend?? I took my son out of school aged 15 , he was so miserable. Please message me privately if you want to talk/need advice x

Senco hasn’t even replied. Apparently won’t speak to anyone who doesn’t have an official diagnosis- whatever that means. I don’t think she’s neurodiverse etc- she just anxious and it’s spiralled in an unsupportive ‘put up and shut up’
culture. The head SO awful. I have thought about going to the govenors.

Thankyou. Am close to taking her out and enrolling her in online school but she does have nice friends. That’s what’s kept me trying too.

The senco is not doing their job then. Having anxiety might not mean she is neurodiverse but it comes under the umbrella of mental health so is a special need.
Have you had any contact with the local authority and by pass the school altogether?
Im sorry this is the situation you find yourselves in. There are some truly shit sencos out there and it gives the profession such a bad name

Your poor daughter. I would take her out and arrange for her to see her friends outside of school. It won’t be as frequent and they won’t necessarily have the same shared experiences but she’s old enough now to be able to meet them independently to go shopping, Have coffee etc.

OP I’m sorry dd’s school have been so useless. Pastoral care is a joke in some schools 😞

Bringing a pen is an easy way to avoid the subsequent punishment for not having it.

This will enable DD to attend school, as fear of punishment means that mum lets her stay home.

OP : is DD home alone all day and what has your GP advised about her anxiety?

Just go away. I don’t need your sneery horrible comments.

Thankfully there are people who came along and offered me proper advice.

Speak to the governors. Get on waiting lists for other schools? Could you afford private? It’s only a couple of years by the sounds of it; not that it would be cheap but still. Alternatively could she attend a college..? I don’t know what other provision there is but the school sound worse than crap. You could get tutors aswell as a short term solution to help her catch up and prepare for exams. You have my sympathy wishing you lots of luck 🍀 xxxx

You’re not in East London are you OP?

To the poster who made the arsey comment about pens, I suggest reading about the situation at the Mossbourne schools in Hackney (there’s a thread in the secondary education topic) and how overly punitive behavioural policies in some academies are impacting the mental health and education of even well-behaved students.

OP, the SENCO is not doing their job. I expect they’re overwhelmed, but it’s still rubbish. Have your daughter see a GP about her anxiety? I’m guessing the waiting list for CAMHS is still ridiculous, but a referral to them might force the school inclusion team into action.

The education system is outdated and needs a huge overhaul.

My year 11 DD hasn’t been able to attend since April 24. A little different as she does have a diagnosis of Autism. She also struggles with anxiety and emetophobia. It’s been hell. From the people who give their “advice” to the people who are just too ignorant to see it as anything but bad behaviour.

I hope your daughter manages to get some support soon OP. It’s shit.

She’s find something else to be scared of though. That’s just a symptom not a cause. Anxiety hooks into anything it can. This is why it’s called free floating.

I had a school refuser. Scared of going in all her life. Eventually diagnosed AUDHD at 16/17. Girls fly under the radar.

No, south coast. However the Head came
from an academy and brought a load of insane behaviour policies.

We are on wait list for support- DD was self harming in year 7 and we did have some private counselling support then with a self harm specialist. Thankfully that has passed but it’s other stuff now like the anxiety and fear of lessons etc due to worry about being punished etc