Messy adult daughter driving me insane

[Notthehill]

My DD (22) finished uni in the summer and is living with me for one year until her graduate degree programme starts. In almost every way she is a joy. She and I have fun, she has a great social life with friends, and she works full time at a good job. She contributes to costs. She has a sunny personality, is thoughtful, kind, empathetic and has a great sense of humour.

However. She is the messiest person in the world. Her stuff strewn through the house. No dishes cleared off table without me asking. When she comes home from work on Friday she dumps her big bag on the kitchen counter and there it remains until Monday morning when she frantically rushes around because she can't find anything. Laundry never done till literally every shred of her clothes are unwearable. Make up, clothes and hair dryer left on kitchen counters. Her bedroom and bathroom are, of course, a bomb site (but I don't mind about 'her' areas).

I can tolerate this (as I know it's temporary!) but I worry I'm setting her up for a lifetime of friction with housemates, partner or anyone else who lives with her (it was a problem with her flatmate at uni). Any suggestions how I can get her to clean up after herself without ruining the vibe of mutual respect and cheerfulness we currently have? AIBU to expect her to tidy up without me asking?

Tell her to keep all her stuff in her room and that anything dumped outside her room will be binned. And DO IT.

She's being really disrespectful.

If you cant face the daily grind of keeping on at her, I would get a free standing soft laundry type box and just lob all the clutter in. Keep it next to the kitchen bin or somewhere easy to toss her stuff in. No care need be taken with it, BTW. I am describing a holding bin.

So what if she is pulled up for being a an awful housemate - that's for her to deal with. Shrug.

Just tell her that 'communal' areas need to be clutter free. She doesn't get to dump or leave stuff in a shared area. She can take her bag, her hairdryer, her makeup, her clothes and all the rest of her shit and dump it in her bedroom.

How messy she is in there is up to her. But you don't have to live in chaos because she chooses to.

Thanks everyone. Love this idea. It avoids nagging and confrontation. Will do this!

Still leaves the problem of her leaving dishes on table, water glasses on counter, coffee cups around house....

Tell her to buy paper cups, cutlery and plates for her use only. They can then be dumped in recycling

Erm, what have you been doing for the last twenty years?!

Oh goodness this is me. I drive dh to distraction as I leave everything at my elbow.
I try twoce a day now to sweep through the house picking stuff up and have troed to create homes for everything. Like shoe rack at the front door, hangers for my bag and coat etc

Ha! Well, she hasn't lived at home for the past four years. Before that, she was hideously messy but mainly kept it in her room and I assumed she'd outgrow it. I was a slob in my teen years but got my act together in uni.

Oh my goodness op I have one exactly the same.. same sunny personality, good job and social life and a bloody tramp.. but I’m sorry to say she’s 28!! Thank goodness moving in with her boyfriend soon.. his problem!

Aggg, god no! It's so hard because I don't want to nag and screw up our relationship - she's not a teenager. In most ways we get along as adults and are very close. But this slovenly thing is making me crazy. Hope yours' boyfriend can cope with it.

It will take a bit of effort on your part, but move everything that she leaves lying around onto the threshold of her bedroom, so that she has to step over it. Including plates and cups. It will not take long before she remarks on it and you can have the conversation, every single time.

I had a messy flatmate who went on holiday to France after leaving dinner plates for her and her friend on the living room floor. I took them upstairs and put them on her bed, where they waited for her return a week later!

Are the dishes to be washed or go on a dishwasher? One of my friends was very messy at uni and her housemate got her a separate box for her dishes so they all got washed by her at the weekend when she has run out 😂 think you just have to tell her that she can't live like that and it's a simple house rule to clear her plates.

Buy her a steel water bottle for the house. I have one lol.

My ex BF used to joke 'is that a decorative cup of tea' as I'd leave half a cup 😂

Clutter Bug has good tips for messy people.

Is she dyslexic by any chance?

Post it notes placed where she dumps stuff

'TIDY UP PLEASE!!'

Once she gets into a habit it'll should come naturally

As she goes to dump her bag on the kitchen table tell her no, she needs to put it in her room. When she leaves things on the table, she comes back and removes them, puts them into the dishwasher. If you clear up after her, I am assuming just the plates etc she will never program her brain to do it. She can also return her makeup and hair dryer back to her room. It is the kitchen, not dressing table.

People with ADHD tend to use the phrase don't put it down, put it away. In our house it is called double handling. You don't deal with something twice. You don't come in and dump your keys and bag down. The keys go directly from your hand into the key dish. The bag gets put into the cupboard along with your coat and shoes.

Also a schedule. Ds is 22, home from uni. His bedding and bathroom towels get washed every week on the same day. Same with his laundry, he does this on a Sunday. So sit down with her and work out what days the washing machine is free for her to use without impacting you, put up the schedule. She learns to check it every day. It will help keep her organised.

I have never allowed messy bedrooms because when the children were younger everything was bought for them by us. It shows a lack of respect if they dump the things you bought on the floor and walk all over them.

@TamarindCottage

Paper cups are often plastic lined and can't be recycled and plates that have grease on also can't be recycled either.

I thought this would be about me and I’m in my 40s 🤣

I don’t live with my parents though. If you find the answer please share as I have never found a way to be consistently tidy 😬

Start hiding her stuff to teach her a lesson. Place all the dirty dishes on her bed.

Funny how you're worried about damaging your relationship yet she's not...

I would sit her down and say all this. You love living with her, she's brilliant company and you're so proud, but the messiness is impacting you and you really want it sorted. All dishes are washed immediately after use. Clothes washed every few days. Things immediately put in their place after use. She sounds like a reasonable and kind woman, so I think she'd probably understand if you were quite straightforward about it.

I’m in no position to lecture but the only thing that sort of works for me is speaking to her calmly when we’re doing something completely different, telling her how difficult I find it.. non-confrontational.

Here in lies your issue. You’re scared to parent her.

My adult DD is the same. Always has been. I thought she was just messy but she was diagnosed with ADHD fairly recently. Could this be your DD?

I have a great solution, she pays for a cleaner to come twice a week for 2h to tidy after her.
It will be best investment ever!

Ha! Scared to parent her? Hardly. I 'parented' her for 18 years. In all those years, it was more important for me to be her parent than for me to be her friend. Now, we're both adults, I treat her as such, and I don't believe my role is to 'parent' her - or certainly not as if she were a child. Many people have given great ideas on this thread that are the kind of thing I might try if I were house-sharing with a friend or adult relative. I'm going to try them!

I do think she has traits of ADHD, but I'm not sure that changes things. It may help to explain why struggles so much to be tidy, but the solutions will be the same sorts of things people are proposing in this thread, I would guess.