Messy adult daughter driving me insane

[Notthehill]

My DD (22) finished uni in the summer and is living with me for one year until her graduate degree programme starts. In almost every way she is a joy. She and I have fun, she has a great social life with friends, and she works full time at a good job. She contributes to costs. She has a sunny personality, is thoughtful, kind, empathetic and has a great sense of humour.

However. She is the messiest person in the world. Her stuff strewn through the house. No dishes cleared off table without me asking. When she comes home from work on Friday she dumps her big bag on the kitchen counter and there it remains until Monday morning when she frantically rushes around because she can't find anything. Laundry never done till literally every shred of her clothes are unwearable. Make up, clothes and hair dryer left on kitchen counters. Her bedroom and bathroom are, of course, a bomb site (but I don't mind about 'her' areas).

I can tolerate this (as I know it's temporary!) but I worry I'm setting her up for a lifetime of friction with housemates, partner or anyone else who lives with her (it was a problem with her flatmate at uni). Any suggestions how I can get her to clean up after herself without ruining the vibe of mutual respect and cheerfulness we currently have? AIBU to expect her to tidy up without me asking?

Same!!

Everything has a place and everything in its place.

also. Don’t put it down. Put it away.

It's great that you have really evolved your relationship with her and are being so careful to "renegotiate" with her as an adult.

DD is only 18 so we are behind you, but autistic and I think she'd have a good chance of an ADHD diagnosis.

I like a routine & tying things together. Talk with her about what the start and ends of a task are - lunch doesn't end when she eats the last corner of toast, but when the plate is in the DW. The task of wrapping a present doesn't end when the last piece of sellotape goes on, but when the paper, scissors & sellotape are back in the drawer and any rubbish in the bin. Replacing them is not a new task, but part of the main task. I think DD's brain tends to drop the job as soon as the obvious is finished and she doesn't "see" the rest. Rather than pointing out the scissors and paper specifically I can just remind her to finish the job. It's not perfect but it is a way to get more done without it adding much to the processing load and feeling like a whole extra demand.

Also build a habit of sweeping round the house at least once a day, tied to something she already does reliably at a not too frantic time of day, such as straight after dinner. By sweeping I mean going into each room looking for stuff she has dropped and relocating it. If she can do this reliably every day for 30 days it has a reasonable chance of sticking.

OP - ADHD medication makes it much easier to be tidy - more focus and less overwhelm. That was my experience.

I am like this and I think i most definitely am undiagnosed ADHD... (in spite of how people don't like self diagnosis!) I have always been messy, and never seem to get on top of life admin, organisation etc.

I'm still like this aged 44 and it drives my DH mad! 😂

Is she really clever? I read highly intelligent people are often messy Which comforts me cos I am awful !! Haha But have been married forever had good job and brought up kids I drove my very neat Mum crazy but in the end she did teach me what a clean house is so I do blitz it regularly and DH is a saint and does more than me.
seriously though she sounds lovely, As someone said Just stick all her stuff in a big bin and let her rummage through it when she needs to

This was me. I absolutely no ability to keep things tidy (ND) but it’s also because thinking about putting things away etc is absolutely exhausting particularly after a day at work etc. It used to drive my parents mad.

I got my own place at 24 and I learnt. I still can’t tidy as a go, but I do enjoy the benefits of a tidy space. I just pin point ahead of time when my next clean up will be e.g. work is manic Monday-Friday so it will go gradually down hill, however I will get everything straight on Saturday morning before a friend visits in the afternoon. I’m okay with and have accepted that pattern.

"Talk with her about what the start and ends of a task are - lunch doesn't end when she eats the last corner of toast, but when the plate is in the DW. The task of wrapping a present doesn't end when the last piece of sellotape goes on, but when the paper, scissors & sellotape are back in the drawer and any rubbish in the bin."

Really like that suggestion!! This is another keeper, thanks!!

Am on it!! Thanks.

Please don't do this, my mum does it to me and it's really unkind. I am almost certainly undiagnosed ADHD and autistic (waiting lists are long). I hate myself for how messy I am, and how often I lose things, and how I just generally fail to be a functioning adult despite trying so hard; so when someone who is supposed to love and support me deliberately moves something important - whether I've put it down and forgotten about it or left it in a logical (to me, but not to her) place - it's really really hurtful.

@PollyannaWhittier I would never hide her stuff to 'teach her a lesson'. It's cruel to do this - I had it done to me as a young person and it teaches nothing. However, the other suggestions eg keeping a bin/hamper in the kitchen and calmly placing her things in there when she leaves stuff around the house, are useful. It will underscore the point that the house is not a dumping ground, will hopefully help her learn to keep her mess to her own space and, if all else fails, at least help me keep my sanity.

Following with interest as my 14?year old daughter (autistic, dyslexic) is JUST like this and I am well aware she would be a very annoying flatmate if I don’t train her up.

I have little interest in getting her a diagnosis mainly because CAMHS no longer exists in any meaningful way here and I think there are better uses - for her and us - of the £3k a private diagnosis would cost. I’m here for the tips and tricks. Any websites or books that anyone can recommend?

My daughter has just moved back in her 20s. Anything she leaves lying around, I put outside her bedroom door. At weekends she gives her room a good clean and the bathroom she uses. She does her own laundry and helps with meals.
The one problem is we have masses of her stuff filling our garage and our house cannot cope with the number of shoes. We just have too many

My 10 year old is like this and I have to work with her so she doesn’t end up as a messy adult! I think you were too soft and needed to teach her routines as she was growing up. I’d try and have an honest conversation. Tell her all the lovely things you said here and have some non-negotiables e.g. you do the dishwasher every other night, you don’t leave your bag on the table.

Ha, same. One of the reasons I never lived with parents post 18. Both mine are obsessively tidy and house proud. I couldn't cope!

DF is now married to a woman who has ADHD and all 3 of his children have diagnoses too (AuDHD). As my DGM says, it seems the good Lord didn't plan a tidy house for you 😂

This is the problem, she hasnt been taught those skills because you decided to be hands off behind the bedroom door. It has not paid off

ADHD or no ADHD its awful to live with. My OH is like this, very likely ADHD (I use the screeners at work so know that he meets virtually all of the criteria for screening). its exhausting, depressing, and you feel like you're living with someone who doesnt respect the environment or you and is childlike.

Not great for her future housemates and not great for future partners.

She needs to get to grips with it now, hopefully its not too late for you to put the parenting in.

And how do you think that won’t destroy their relationship?

Would you really treat a lovely daughter like that and not expect to ruin the wonderful relationship you have ?

Do you think it would be worth ruining ?

Sounds like my (autistic) DD and (adhd) DH. Drives me nuts. I nag them both constantly but nothing changes. No advice OP, just sympathy!

I suspect that I might have mild ADHD and used to be like your daughter when younger.

over the last few years I’ve looked at various ADHD coping mechanisms and it’s been literally life changing for me.

perhaps talk to her in the wider sense. Her mind must be a little chaotic and it looks as though she’s so tired of masking all day that she lets loose in her safe space.

What have you actually done so far to address this issue? You need to sit down with her and have a conversation - “DD, you need to step up and clear away all your shit as soon as you’ve done with it. Bags, clothes, shoes, plates, cups and anything else. This is not a doss house, I cannot live like this. I won’t keep reminding you, I expect it to be done. Here’s the bin liners”
Then every time she leaves her stuff around, throw it into her bedroom immediately.

Supermarket bag for life. Quietly put her bag, make up etc there

Pile up her dishes by the sink, if they're bothering you. When she runs out, she runs out

She doesn't do laundry? Why do you care? Her problem to resolve

Thats interesting that 'would you treat a lovely daughter like that' is what you say rather than 'why is she treating her lovely mother like that'