Messy adult daughter driving me insane

[Notthehill]

My DD (22) finished uni in the summer and is living with me for one year until her graduate degree programme starts. In almost every way she is a joy. She and I have fun, she has a great social life with friends, and she works full time at a good job. She contributes to costs. She has a sunny personality, is thoughtful, kind, empathetic and has a great sense of humour.

However. She is the messiest person in the world. Her stuff strewn through the house. No dishes cleared off table without me asking. When she comes home from work on Friday she dumps her big bag on the kitchen counter and there it remains until Monday morning when she frantically rushes around because she can't find anything. Laundry never done till literally every shred of her clothes are unwearable. Make up, clothes and hair dryer left on kitchen counters. Her bedroom and bathroom are, of course, a bomb site (but I don't mind about 'her' areas).

I can tolerate this (as I know it's temporary!) but I worry I'm setting her up for a lifetime of friction with housemates, partner or anyone else who lives with her (it was a problem with her flatmate at uni). Any suggestions how I can get her to clean up after herself without ruining the vibe of mutual respect and cheerfulness we currently have? AIBU to expect her to tidy up without me asking?

Go into her room and chuck all her things around! Treat her space and things with the same level of respect she shows to you.

If she was sharing a flat with a friend they'd have Had Words by now.

I was exactly the same at her age!

I'm now diagnosed with ADHD. Could this be possible? It's easily missed with women.

Actually, she cares a lot about not damaging our relationship. She's kind and considerate in many ways (eg contributing to groceries, almost never asks for lifts, asks well in advance if she can borrow car and brings it back filled with petrol (or at least replacing what she's used). She just has a total blind spot on tidiness.

Her room's such a mess she wouldn't notice😀

I agree with this, she may still forget some stuff but may make an effort to be tidier.

I think it's very possible. How did being diagnosed help you with tidiness@Ilovehighlandcows ?

This.

She probably does not even see it. Her executive function sounds weak, and she would benefit from support to set up a routine and new habits. Would probably have been easier had you started younger, but better late than never.

I can relate. Some of us need a lot more help with this, and it's a lifelong thing. Offer to help her with strategies, then let her practice. If she can't be asked to put an effort in you could always encourage your messy 'housemate' to move out if she won't share the domestic burden and keep the place clean and tidy.

Honestly, being diagnosed hugely changed my life for the better! I finally understood why I struggle with certain things (like tidiness) as I quite literally didn't see it and wasn't aware when I left something out.

I wasn't lazy, selfish or being disrespectful - my brain just processes things differently. Once I knew, I developed techniques to improve.

I'm 40 now and very tidy, it's become easier. There is lots of advice out there now for ADHD'ers.

Although I'm still always forgetting exactly where I've put my phone/pen/cup of tea...

My point is she ought use disposable tableware and cutlery that can be thrown away (and paid for with her own money) since she can’t be arsed to wash up after herself

Exactly.

Not the original quoted person but as soon as I read your OP I thought, oh she has ADHD. She sounds exactly like me, really lazy with tidying but let me guess, one random mad deep clean every so often?

Having ADHD has done me no harm in life, if anything I think it has helped me in nearly every area of my life but, tidying and cleaning up is not a great skill of mine. I try really hard to combat it but honestly my 3 and 5 year olds are better at putting things away than I am.

"In our house it is called double handling. You don't deal with something twice." This is great advice, thank you.

I would have a couple of boxes downstairs and all her stuff goes in there

Sounds like you never properly put your foot down..years before age 22 me and my siblings knew to tidy after ourselves, keep all areas near and tidy mostly and not to leave dirty clothing,dishes etc

I would be asking her to either sort herself out or move out. She's 22 and should be well past the feral stage.

Presume you aren't running round after her doing cooking and laundry etc and are charging her a decent rent?

Honestly just tell her. I am not cleaning that up.Go and get your cups, glasses and plate and put it in the kitchen and the dishwasher.

Tell her to do the same with her stuff

If she doesn't do it, get a bin bag, gather up all of her belongings and dump it in her bedroom.

Oh god this is me.

I most probably have ADHD but I’m 35 now and I’ve learned to live with it.

Drives my OH batty but I pull my weight in so many other aspects that he tolerates it.

I literally don’t see mess, it’s doesn’t bother me, and I survive in organised chaos.

However - I’m not messy to the point of dirty.

This was our house growing up. You could see where my sister had been as she left a trail of breadcrumbs or in reality scissors out where she had been cutting stuff and all the paper etc. My Mum went to get the scissors and of course they were not where they should be. We grew up with everything has a place so put it back.

I did this with my own children. When they came in the door from school shoes came off and they put them away immediately. It becomes habit with routine. This is why I didn't pick up after them either because they wouldn't learn to do it themselves. They had to physically feel the item and return it to where it lived.

I really feel some people do not see the mess they create unless you literally stand with them and point it all out. Plus once you have a messy room you don't see the mess you add to it. Both my children had medical issues which meant potentially running into their rooms in the middle of the night in the dark, hence tidy floors as I wasn't going to break my neck on some random toy left on the floor. I made sure everything had a place to live.

id put a big trug in the corner somewhere & throw everything of hers in it. Once it’s full, (assuming she leaves it to get full & doesn’t deal with the stuff in there) empty it into her bed.

At least then all her stuff is contained with minimal effort on your part, impact on the house is reduced.

she will have to figure her own laundry etc out.

I had / have this problem. Same situation- lived away then returned having got into bad habits. To begin with just nothing worked at all and she just ignored me - background noise of mum nagging I think. Carrying dirty dishes to her room etc. All the strategies, she would just wait me out until I had no pans to cook with!
Finally after about 6 months I just had enough and had a calm sit down with her. I explained she was an adult with every right to live her life as she pleased, but so was I with just as much right as her and I was unwilling to live this way. Therefore if she would not make any changes she would have to leave. I meant it. I explained this was her choice and I would help her try to find somewhere if she chose to leave but it WAS a choice - change or leave. I said I was watching and if no change in 3 months, she was out no matter what she said at that point.
From that point on she actually tried which makes all the difference. She is still a disaster but what makes it bearable is 1/ She is ‘better’ and improving all the time because she tries
2/ I have a drawer downstairs and all her crap gets shoved in it if it is in my way or lying about and she is not around 3/ When I point out something is left out / not washed up she will apologise and do it there and then.

Get on top of it now. You will find as adult kids come home to stay or for the day,they revert to being a kid. My oldest is 55 (I can't believe I'm saying that!!) I put my foot down. I have a relative,her 40 year old son has moved back in,a couple of years ago following the breakdown of his marriage and is exactly like this.

Pretty much this. How has she brought up.

She clearly thinks it's acceptable to behave that way in your house.

Did you honestly never make her clean up any younger than this? Why are you so scared to tell her. You have a great relationship. You have a laugh together. So tell her, clean your shit up and stop treating my house like a dumping ground.

When she was younger, she was taught to keep her mess to her room. (I've never cared if my children's rooms are messy, as long as it stays to their bedrooms.) So it wasn't a problem during her teen years.

It's since coming home from uni that it's become a problem. The fact that she's only home temporarily (until next summer) has probably been a factor in me not taking more of a stand so far. But I'm very worried about her falling out with future house/flat mates, which is why I've come here for ideas.

The minimal mom on YouTube only has one plate glass bowl etc per person in her house so they have to wash them up or they don't have anything to use. It's pretty extreme but you could do the same.

This would drive me mad so I would be pulling dd up on it, have you sat down and had a conversation with her about the mess impacts you?

Do you set expectations ie ‘I expect to find the kitchen clean and tidy after you’ve used it.’

You are definitely not doing her any favours not saying anything to her, being able to keep a home clean and reasonably tidy is a life skill.