To find it uncomfortable when parents of MULTIPLE children complain about these things…

[Amibeinghorrible72]

Let’s face it I probably am being unreasonable here, but interested to hear other opinions.

Of course everyone’s feelings are valid and all of that jazz…

Maybe it’s because we had losses before having my DS and now potentially have another long road to having another child which is why it makes me uncomfortable.

I just feel a bit uncomfortable inside when I see people posting on TikTok Facebook or even on here about their gender disappointments with their fourth, fifth sixth or even seventh child.

Even when I was going through losses, one of my friends told me she understands how hard grieving is because it took her seven months to conceive her fourth child as her others were first month tries.

My heart goes out to anyone that experiences infertility or loss whether that’s your first child or eighth. But for some reason, gender disappointment or complaining about it taking a bit longer to get pregnant this time round. Just bugs me.

Before anyone says it, of course, it’s probably the same as me having one child and someone really wanting one and not being able to have one. I know I’m also so blessed.

Yes I feel the same as you, I think it's one thing to feel it but do you really have to post the video of how upset/devastated you are all over the internet for your child to possibly see when they're older.

Yes exactly. “I have 4 girls and gutted my 5th is another girl”

You have 5 healthy children! You’re blessed!

Yes your friend sounds extremely tone deaf! However when you say
It’s probably the same as me having one child and someone really wanting one and not being able to have one. I know I’m also so blessed.

You must be able to see that the gulf between you and someone who is not able to be a parent at all is absolutely huge. Yes you are blessed- focus on that and not some idiots on tiktok.

I'm with you. I judge gender disappointment and I'm not a tiny bit sorry. Just be grateful for God's sake.
I always wonder what would happen if the child was to see that in years to come. Saying that they loved them anyway wouldn't really cut it.
I hope you get your second child soon.

I get people have gender disappointment, but I cannot fathom why they would film a video about it and post it on the internet.for their child to.cone across in later life.

I also judge gender disappointment and won’t apologise for it either.

a friend of mine compared my years of infertility to when she was trying for her second and it taking longer for her because her husband works off shore for 6 months of year

the blissfully fertile are just ignorant I’ve realised

there will be people reading this who are unable to have children at all who may think you are so lucky to have one child and hearing about you trying for a second may make them feel even worse.

So this really is a game you can never win. There will always be someone worse off than you who might be upset by what you are complaining about.

I feel sorry for the children in these situations. They "disappoint" their parents before they are even born.

We chose not to go for number 3 because we knew part of it was wanting a boy... which was silly because our girls are wonderful.

LI get that your own experiences have shaped how you see these posts. It's completely fair to acknowledge that loss and infertility are painful but those experiences don’t make any one of us the gatekeepers of who is or isn't 'allowed' to feel disappointed, frustrated, or sad about their own situation.

Someone feeling gender disappointment or finding it harder to conceive this time doesn’t invalidate what you’ve been through. Those feelings are their reality and they’re entitled to them.

If seeing those posts makes you uncomfortable, it might be better to step back from social media for a bit. It’s full of people processing their emotions in public and it’s okay to protect your peace rather than judging theirs.

Gender disappointment is definitely complicated.

dp had it. Was our first but I had previous kids from my past marriage. He love dc now but had his heart set on a particular gender and had convinced himself that that is what we were having when he found out if was the opposite there was definetly a sadness as he knew it was his only one and wouldn’t get another chance. I did not judge him whatsoever.

Definitely complicated and usually bound up in complex feelings about other issues. IME, gender disappointed tends to be the symptom of other emotional issues/anxieties/fears rather just a thing on its own.

I’m someone who has never been able to have children (and never will now). I don’t feel upset by the OPs post at all because she does acknowledge she is lucky to have been able to have a child. It’s the people who tell me that I’M the lucky one because I can sleep in, go out when I want, have loads of money (I don’t. I spent it all on IVF and I’m fucking skint now) etc etc. And then complain to me about how awful their lives are because they can’t do those things BECAUSE of their children. Those people annoy me.

I'm actually with you on this. I suffered several losses before my DC so do find gender disappointment a bit shallow tbh. It often seems the expectations are also very wrapped up with gender stereotypes which the child might or might not have anyway!

Not all of us, I have 5 and wouldn't dream of going on like that.

I suspect the ones you see on line are making a point for likes and follows. It's a bit like no one posting "I had a very common symptom for something minor and it was minor" the ones you see are "I had a very common symptom for something minor and it turned out to be the 0.001% chance that it was something major". Which gives the impression that the very rare situation is much commoner.

However it's unrealistic to expect people not to have a preference. I mean I have a preference where I go shopping, where I go on holiday, what I eat for dinner etc. It's not wrong to have a preference.
What is wrong is how you treat that preference - and I include posting online about it.

I have two girls then a boy. Would I have been disappointed if ds had a been a girl? I think I'd have had a bit of a twinge of disappointment. I love the girls very much and never wished they were boys at all, so it's not true to say if you wish your last is the one you never had, then you didn't want the others.

I also think there is a difference in knowing and being disappointed in pregnancy and being disappointed when the baby is in front of you. The people I know of who were disappointed when they found out in pregnancy were delighted with the baby when they finally got to meet them and never wished they were different.

When people say you are so blessed to have one child of each gender. Not acknowledging the fact that it took me 5 years and two losses to even have the one child. I couldn't have cared less what our second child was I was just glad to not have had another loss.

It’s the same as lots of normal situations that occur in life. People can be very blinkered The person that complains about their mum to the person who lost theirs as a child, the person that’s moaning about their siblings to someone who has no family, the person who’s telling a widow that they’re annoyed they don’t get time alone with their partner, the person complaining about a cold to someone who has chronic illness. It’s not something that’s restricted to those with fertility issues.

I agree with this!

I can see it from both sides. The end goal is always a healthy child but I think being disappointed about not getting something you've always imagined and wanted is a completely normal feeling and a feeling people should be allowed to express.

I'm with you OP. My experience was very different in that I became pregnant very quickly on both occasions and have two amazing DC, now adults. But my pregnancies were incredibly high risk, with DC1 I was in hospital for 4 months before giving birth at 34 weeks. DC2 was slightly better, but all the way through both pregnancies I was warned that there might not be a positive outcome.

I feel incredibly thankful that I had two healthy babies who have grown up into wonderful adults. I do judge gender disappointment. I didn't care what sex my babies were, I just wanted them to survive.

Yup. I'm now 65, so that ship has sailed for me. I'd get people IRL blithely commenting "Oh, of course you never wanted children..."

One time, an aunt whose son and DIL had had to have fertility treatment actually lectured me about the fact that I'd not made my mum a grandmother.

I get you, OP.
My son was stillborn and it turns my stomach to see people disappointed at "another boy" when I'd give anything to have mine.

Sending you hugs, I've been through the same and know what you mean

I agree, I have it to some degree with my second. I already had a girl and wanted another girl, not because I didn’t want a boy exactly but because I wanted two the same. If my first had been a boy I would have wanted another boy. I have a VERY difficult and complicated relationship with my brother and have some real trauma from my childhood/teenage years involving him so the idea of having boy/girl siblings was difficult for me. However obviously I had a son and he has completely completed our family and I can’t imagine any other child in his place. I think gender disappointment is very common for lots of reasons and having a bit of a moan to your partner and taking a moment to get your head around it is fine as long as you keep perspective. And yes openly being devastated to others is insensitive and ridiculous.

To add To my earlier post… yes going on social media and having a moan is ridiculous, but posting here on an anonymous forum to say things that you wouldn’t and couldn’t say in real life to either be told your being ridiculous and giving you a kick up the bum or maybe to validate your feelings and hear others experiences is fine. It’s what sites like this is for!