To think monogamy survives mostly on denial, not devotion?

[SteadyStormJay]

Most people who preach loyalty also flirt with escape. We like the idea of forever, not the practice.

AIBU to think monogamy only works when both partners keep choosing it daily, not pretending it’s effortless?

It depends how attractive you are. Personally I don't choose monogamy daily, it chooses me.

(Although to be clear if I did have a choice, I would still choose it).

Most good and valuable things require some effort.

It is effortless. I love my husband and therefore I don’t want anyone else. I can appreciate a good looking man but I don’t ’fancy’ them in that way. I think it’s more that you chose a partner and are no longer in love.

Interesting

I don't even bother getting involved in that conundrum.

One of those weirdo happily singles.

I've had many a married man come on to me though.

I suppose therein lies the denial.

I'm 50.

I'm not some twenty something looker.

I'm the same age as them, we laugh, they trust me, they know my life, we talk.
Inevitably... Get off me.

There's a difference between lust and love, and seeing and doing. My friend once commented that a passing guy was handsome, and her daughter was outraged. "Why? said my friend, "I'm married, not blind." We can all appreciate beauty, whether that's an amazing piece of art, or a gorgeous person, but we don't have to own it to admire it.

As others posters have said, I'm loyal to my DH, and it is pretty effortless. I love him. I want to be married to him. That doesn't mean I don't notice other men, just as I'm sure he notices other women.

Well thruples and polycules, never mind just plain old shagging outside a relationship don’t look much easier from here.

I think people are monogamous for a mixture of reasons which will include devotion and loyalty.
What does flirting with escape mean for you. Is daydreaming about Brad Pitt somehow undermining monogamy?

YABU

who hurt you? are you ok

I choose monogamy every day. I love my husband, I chose him. If someone flirts with me, I cut it down, i dont flirt with others, I dont market myself as available because I'm not. Its effortless. I don't put effort into not flirting with others.

Disagree. Married many years, feel devoted still.

Disagree also. So far, monogamy has been effortless. The idea of another man is so alien that I might as well fancy a table.

If in the future that changes and I start noticing other men, I will consciously look away, because I made a promise.

I do like the idea of forever, but the practice is infinitely sweeter.

Haha no, not Brad Pitt-level daydreaming

I meant more the quiet “what ifs” - the mental exits people keep open when things get routine. The idea that monogamy only feels natural when it’s new but over time it needs active recommitment rather than autopilot. I think a lot of people underestimate that part.

You're with the wrong person.

It's not a choice every day, it's an innate understanding that the right partner is someone to cherish.

If you love and respect someone, no effort is involved. You work through the stressy times, celebrate the good times and enjoy life.👍

I wouldn't say I think a lot about staying faithful/staying with DH it just is. I love him very much and being with him isn't effort, he's my safe space. We've been together 16 years, I can't see it changing.

Reads like somebody writing an article tbh.

I’m totally fine and that’s great that it feels effortless for you! I think that’s kind of my point though, for some people it is a daily choice, even when they’re happy. It’s less about being tempted and more about staying emotionally intentional, rather than assuming devotion just runs on autopilot forever.

Depends on how happy you are in your relationship, surely? Monogamy is effortless to me, I don't want anyone else other than my DH.

Some people, yes. Doesn't follow that it's a majority, you're overreaching there. For some of us it's just not particularly difficult.

On sex specifically, one reason I don't particularly care for the idea of escape is that thinking someone's attractive doesn't mean they're going to do it for me sexually as DH does. I don't think the bedroom performance of the male species as a whole is such that a sensible woman could presume any given liaison with someone who doesn't know her body well is automatically going to be satisfying. That was not the case for me prior to DH. And that's one reason it doesn't feel particularly hard, no pun intended.

When things are good, monogamy probably does feel effortless. I’m more interested in how people handle it when that effortless stage wears off. For some, staying devoted becomes an intentional act rather than just a feeling. That’s the bit I think most people gloss over.

I agree that it’s a choice @SteadyStormJay but it’s not a difficult choice if you’re in a happy relationship.

Most people in LTR’s have other options from time to time, even though we’re not looking for them. We choose to ignore them, because our partner is worth it IYSWIM.

I can only go on my own experience, but I've been with DH for 30 years. Monogamy has always been effortless to me. Even during the bad times (and there have, of course, been a few over the years), I never wanted to go elsewhere.

Tbh my first reaction when I hear someone had an affair is 'how could they be bothered?' All that sneaking around and lying sounds exhausting and stressful.

I find monogamy easy, if it was going to be a struggle I wouldn't have got married.

Yup.

i never want to date again. Been with DH for 25 years and happy staying with just him.