To think monogamy survives mostly on denial, not devotion?

[SteadyStormJay]

Most people who preach loyalty also flirt with escape. We like the idea of forever, not the practice.

AIBU to think monogamy only works when both partners keep choosing it daily, not pretending it’s effortless?

I think there are people who are naturally monogamous and for them it's no effort at all. I fall into this camp and my 15 year relationship with my late OH wasn't something we had to work at. We just felt whole around each other and felt something was missing when we were apart, so wanted to be around each other all the time.

There are also people who are not naturally monogamous and for them, they are able to do it and be happy, but it takes conscious work and effort. Outside temptations pop up and require willpower to turn down.

And there is a small group who monogamy is a cage for, and they will never be really happy in a longer relationship. They either don't want to be tied down to anyone, or want several relationships at the same time.

I don't think anyone in one camp should be judging how people in the other camps cope as we are going through completely different things. I do think it's a shame that our society is so built around two people being tied together for life as it's stifling for some people and causes a lot of unnecessary heartbreak.

I wish people were more able to explore who they truly are and what makes them happy before they make big commitments, and that alternative lifestyles were not seen as "less than".

I think after the honeymoon period monogamy is mainly built on inertia and the desire to avoid having more work to do.

I am monogamous (and happy) but the prospect of infidelity just makes me feel exhausted. I don’t want another tiring workstream.

Exactly this. Oh I had a lot of “fun” before I met my partner. But I now have absolutely no desire to be with anyone else.
Mostly because I love him and am incredibly attracted to him, we have an amazing sex life, super comfortable with him in every way.
But there’s probably a little bit of “jeez, can’t be bothered with flirting and having sex with anyone else” now too!
Granted, we’ve only been together for 6 years. Maybe in another 20 I’ll be fed up and feel differently, but I certainly hope not!

I don’t feel like OP is suggesting anything particularly controversial here in that long term monogamous relationships usually need some ongoing work and shouldn’t be taken for granted.

I am always interested on threads about cheating that people say you can’t love someone and cheat on them at the same time and the feeling that as long as you have this love from your partner you will be protected from infidelity. I think a lot of people get caught out by this personally.

I want to know more about how people define love in their long term romantic relationships. I know what unconditional love feels like because I have that for dd but it isn’t really unconditional for dh as it’s way more dependent on how he treats me. It’s more about maintaining the connection between us and this does take noticing, communication and a bit of work on both sides.

Whoever suggested monogamy was effortless? It requires work like anything worth having - friendships, career, etc.

I’ve been with DH for a decade and he’s the one for me. Is he perfect? No. Am I? No. Does he set my heart aflutter? Not as much as he used to. Is he massively annoying at times? Yes. Have I occasionally wondered whether it would be better on my own? Yes, obviously. But when it comes to the crunch I don’t, not because of denial but because fundamentally, it works, and I can’t imagine life without him.

I’m 27 years in and the effortless stage hasn’t worn off yet. I can’t think of anything worse than bumping uglies with new people and risking all kinds of STis……

I feel like it is laziness and society. Finding another sexual partner requires effort. Majority of people won't have multiple people going after them an d requiring nust saying yes. You have to work for it.

Also monogamy is the acceptable relationship. If multiple partners was the norm, people would do that more.

Threads like this always bring out those in perfect marriages saying they've no idea what you mean OP. But yes, in essence I agree with you.

Love is a verb, not just a feeling. It is an action, a choice. Sometimes it is easier than others to choose to love someone.

Most things in life are choices to some degree whether conscious or unconscious.
Monogamy has been completely, unconsciously, effortless for me. So yes whilst I unconsciously choose to be monogamous the choice doesn't occupy a single second of my time.

I've been devoted to the same man for thirty years. Too bad he wasn't interested in me. 🤣

“I’m married, not blind” 😆

Effortless here too. I can appreciate a good looking man (head turns towards the Skarsgaard brothers), but the attraction to my husband is more than just finding him handsome. It’s a deep, multilevelled bond. I haven’t “fancied” another man since I laid eyes on him.

OP has started this thread….

OP’s own words:
‘Most people who preach loyalty also flirt with escape. We like the idea of forever, not the practice.
AIBU to think monogamy only works when both partners keep choosing it daily, not pretending it’s effortless?’

‘When things are good, monogamy probably does feel effortless. I’m more interested in how people handle it when that effortless stage wears off. For some, staying devoted becomes an intentional act rather than just a feeling. That’s the bit I think most people gloss over.’

The idea that ‘choosing’ monogamy and that devotion is an intentional act sounds exhausting! And it’s smug to say that I disagree? That it’s only effortless in the beginning?

OP’s views appeared to have been skewed. Have these questions been raised due to past bad experience? Why has OP started this thread on AIBU public forum if no one can question OP on where these views have came from?

I don’t know OP and I don’t gossip….so your comments really don’t make sense….

Age is just a number….if I post that I have been with my husband 22 years people think I am much older than I am due to the average age people meet their OH, if I say my age I have people like you telling me I am a baby. It’s a no win!