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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my exH should actually parent his kids when he has them

53 replies

Drowningincokezero · 03/11/2025 21:21

Been separated 3 years now and my two DS 14 and 10 visit their dad's one night a week and every other weekend. Their dad only lives at the other end of our village, deliberately so as we decided that close proximity would be beneficial for the kids if they wanted to pop round at any time.
ExH has always been a very passive person and has proved himself unable to stand up to anyone, now including our 14yo DS. This weekend they've been with him and I've been out of town. I'm due home tomorrow. The boys have both been at school today. I have them both on 360 and I e seen that the 14yo has been back at mine since 5pm. I called him around 6pm and asked about his day, and casually asked where he was and why. He's used the hidden spare key to get in play his Xbox. He has an Xbox at his dad's but apparently can't play a certain game there. It's got to 9pm and I have seen he's still at mine, so I just called exH to ask what's going on. Immediate defensive mode asking what else is he (exH) supposed to do? Make him stay with him? I said yes, you're supposed to spending time together, you're the adult, you decide where he should be and can't you see why it's wrong for him to be at mine when I'm not there and he's supposed to be with you? But there's no talking to him, he just holds his hands up and says he cant do anything else about it. I've told them all in the past that they're not to do this, it's not the first time it's happened. How the heck do I get the message across without quite frankly, losing my shit? I could remove the spare key but it does prove useful for times, like earlier today, when he has genuinely needed to enter the house for swimming gear that wasn't planned for. I know I have to be the villain and reinforce the boundary yet again but it's as though I can't get the message across so it sticks.

OP posts:
Giantsandcastle · 03/11/2025 21:23

I've got one of those too.

It was one of the reasons I fell out of love with him and, frankly, lost respect.

No advice, I'm afraid, but I commiserate.

Whyherewego · 03/11/2025 21:26

I think unfortunately you're going to have to lose the spare key. Or could you give to a neighbour instead ? So it's not as easy to get it.
Youre not going to change exH though. Im sorry

Picklemysink · 03/11/2025 21:32

Surely 14 is old enough to spend a few hours at home without an adult. I would never have prevented DSD going to her mums for a few hours at that age.

I don't think that teens that age need to stick to a rigid contact schedule if parents live close to each other.

Whatsherusername · 03/11/2025 21:36

Whay about a key safe for the spare key you can open remotely when they ask you to, or a smart lock for the door where you can block their access when they are meant to be with their dad?

Cheese55 · 03/11/2025 21:49

Maybe he's trying to tell you something...he's not that bothered about seeing his dad. His dad's not bothered either. Why are you forcing them together. At 14, he can decide.

duckydoo234 · 03/11/2025 22:04

Sorry, but dads generally don't care. They see parenting/childminding as women's work, and opt out. Teenagers pick up on this and opt out of anything to do with their dad. It'd be so much easier if the handbook said "get pregnant and then just do it all yourself" because, let's face it, that's what we end up doing.

And for the dads out there that think they're doing a great job: you're not. You're just doing marginally more than nothing. Which you think is a great job. Slow clap.

RubySquid · 03/11/2025 22:18

Picklemysink · 03/11/2025 21:32

Surely 14 is old enough to spend a few hours at home without an adult. I would never have prevented DSD going to her mums for a few hours at that age.

I don't think that teens that age need to stick to a rigid contact schedule if parents live close to each other.

Edited

This. At that age my DS just went to whatever house he wanted

catin8oot5 · 03/11/2025 22:33

My ex has had his our DS15 for 5 nights since January because ‘he doesn’t know what to do with him’

Original poster
Drowningincokezero · 04/11/2025 00:10

Wow, well I'm glad (in a way) that I'm not the only one with this problem, thanks all for sharing. The whole reason we love close by is exactly for that reason, so the kids can more or less choose, it's just that when I'm so far out of area (not often, admittedly), it just seems even lamer for him to shunt him back to mine. And also a bit less safe or comfortable for him to be home alone - I mean I'd turned the heating off / left the fridge empty etc. tonight he'd been there and had not had his dinner either.
But yes, the opportunity for access is the only way I can prevent this from happening. And lessen the times I'm away and not rely on exH to step up, obviously.

OP posts:
Original poster
Drowningincokezero · 04/11/2025 00:14

Cheese55 · 03/11/2025 21:49

Maybe he's trying to tell you something...he's not that bothered about seeing his dad. His dad's not bothered either. Why are you forcing them together. At 14, he can decide.

This is definitely the case and the driver of it all I'm sure. I'd taken both kids abroad for a week this half term and we'd been back 5 days before either of them considered getting in touch with the other. It was only DS2 that asked exH if he'd caught up with DS1 lately. I'll go forward now with very little expectation of any sort of parenting from him.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 04/11/2025 00:17

While the father should be parenting and I won’t deny that he does probably slack off in many ways, most 14 year olds do not need or want constant supervision. If he wants to limit the time he spends with his father, he should be able to make that choice.

Original poster
Drowningincokezero · 04/11/2025 00:17

Whatsherusername · 03/11/2025 21:36

Whay about a key safe for the spare key you can open remotely when they ask you to, or a smart lock for the door where you can block their access when they are meant to be with their dad?

Edited

Will look into these, thanks

OP posts:
LovesLabradors · 04/11/2025 00:22

Yeah - I'd let it slide, tbh. He's safe and you know where he is.
I've been (unpleasantly) surprised by how little my 3 DC (teenage to early 20s) have wanted to actually see their Dad since he moved out.
At first I tried to persuade them "come on, you want to see Dad don't you?" - but now I've just stepped back. It's up to him/them. He's not here anymore, I have no need to do the work to facilitate his relationship with his DC.
It's been quite the eye-opener just how much I had walked into the role of "Mum: family relationship manager" but not anymore. It's up to him now. They do still see him, but I don't manage it and it's not as much as I had thought it would be.

Original poster
Drowningincokezero · 04/11/2025 00:22

Ponderingwindow · 04/11/2025 00:17

While the father should be parenting and I won’t deny that he does probably slack off in many ways, most 14 year olds do not need or want constant supervision. If he wants to limit the time he spends with his father, he should be able to make that choice.

Absolutely. But if I'm not around then it's a 14yo home alone with no communication to me that this is what he's doing and this is my problem. If I knew and had agreed to him being alone at home I could make provisions. What comes next? He spends the night there alone without me knowing? I just need to be sure that what has been agreed is adhered to so I can keep on top of my parenting.

OP posts:
RubySquid · 04/11/2025 09:03

Drowningincokezero · 04/11/2025 00:22

Absolutely. But if I'm not around then it's a 14yo home alone with no communication to me that this is what he's doing and this is my problem. If I knew and had agreed to him being alone at home I could make provisions. What comes next? He spends the night there alone without me knowing? I just need to be sure that what has been agreed is adhered to so I can keep on top of my parenting.

Show quote history

I'm sure he could order something from just eat or even go to the shop.

Best point out to him that if he's at yours it's polite to send a Whatsapp to let you know. And what dreadful thing do you think would happen if he spent a night there alone? If there was an emergency and you were away he could easily phone his dad who lives nearby

Original poster
Drowningincokezero · 04/11/2025 09:42

RubySquid · 04/11/2025 09:03

I'm sure he could order something from just eat or even go to the shop.

Best point out to him that if he's at yours it's polite to send a Whatsapp to let you know. And what dreadful thing do you think would happen if he spent a night there alone? If there was an emergency and you were away he could easily phone his dad who lives nearby

Edited
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Is there an age in law that they can be left like this, though? I'l didn't realise that 14 would be most/some people's opinion of being safely self sufficient. It would certainly remove the issue of this was the case. I'm sure he'd be happy with it, but I'd just need to get my head around it.

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 04/11/2025 09:49

Drowningincokezero · 04/11/2025 09:42

Is there an age in law that they can be left like this, though? I'l didn't realise that 14 would be most/some people's opinion of being safely self sufficient. It would certainly remove the issue of this was the case. I'm sure he'd be happy with it, but I'd just need to get my head around it.

Show quote history

Technically there is no legal age for leaving a child home alone - it’s very child dependent. But the NSPCC suggests 14 as the minimum age.

Cheese55 · 04/11/2025 11:40

I left mine alone by day from secondary school age. I'm at work and they wouldn't go to childcare, even if it existed

crappycrapcrap · 04/11/2025 11:44

Let him come home, as long as there’s food in fridge he’ll be absolutely fine. He’s voting with his feet - let him, he experiences what you’re complaining about.
I was a teen forced to spend time with my dad and would do similar and would walk home - because I wanted to be at home.

crappycrapcrap · 04/11/2025 11:46

Just ask DS to text you so you know where he is

Agix · 04/11/2025 11:47

I don't see a problem with this. The kid is 14, dad's only just in the village if he needs someone. At 14 I had my own key to the door and didn't have to use a hidden spare one. Your eldest obviously has no desire to be babysat (which it is, because your ex doesn't sound like much of a parent) by his dad.

Perhaps change the rules a bit. OK the eldest can be in the house alone to play his games, but if you're gone overnight then he must return to his dad's by 8pm or something

Cheese55 · 04/11/2025 11:52

I had my own key at primary school [the later years] and was alone until my mum finished work

crackofdoom · 04/11/2025 12:10

Yeah, my ex is like this- although he has seemingly deliberately chosen to live over an hour's drive away from us in a place with bad transport links, so there's no casual popping in and out.

My DC (10 and 15) are still really keen to go every weekend. Possibly because they are allowed unlimited screen time, fed on junk food and seem to have no rules and boundaries etc.. DS2 never washes while he's there because he's not told to, has no bedtime, so I often get a call from school on a Monday because he's either falling asleep or misbehaving from tiredness, and also hasn't eaten breakfast (he won't unless prompted). They never get taken to their scheduled activity on his time, but ex has never organised any activities or fun stuff for them himself.

Meanwhile I'm the horrible witch who enforces healthy eating, screentime limits, sensible bedtimes etc etc 🙄

I think it's half self centredness and sheer idleness on his part, but also he's a clever man (covert narcissist), I dumped him over his abuse, and I suspect he knows full well the effect that his refusal to meaningfully parent is having on me. It's his last means of control.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 04/11/2025 12:32

My 12 year old has a key and has had one since half way through year 7. There are afternoons when we are both working gin the office and she will need to let herself in and fend for herself for a few hours if her 15 year old sister is at school until later.

That's quite different I think to having your early teen child have free unsupervised access to the home when you are away travelling and have left them in the care of another adult/house. [parent seems a bit of a stretch]. I think that's a recipe for disaster at that age.

We use Ring cameras for security but also means we can check that the door has been safely double locked and that children coming home aren't arriving with a small party. We have a house alarm we can remotely set and unlock. We have secure controls on the house wifi and can lock down websites, devices including the tv and applications. If you so desire you can make your home a very boring place to hang out on a solo basis.

I presume your child support reflects the current visitation pattern. If 14 yo is now going to be at your home 100% and you will have zero time off, then the arrangement should reflect that. Ex may reconsider his current levels of engagement.

Soontobe60 · 04/11/2025 12:32

Does your DS know you’re spying on him?