Been separated 3 years now and my two DS 14 and 10 visit their dad's one night a week and every other weekend. Their dad only lives at the other end of our village, deliberately so as we decided that close proximity would be beneficial for the kids if they wanted to pop round at any time.
ExH has always been a very passive person and has proved himself unable to stand up to anyone, now including our 14yo DS. This weekend they've been with him and I've been out of town. I'm due home tomorrow. The boys have both been at school today. I have them both on 360 and I e seen that the 14yo has been back at mine since 5pm. I called him around 6pm and asked about his day, and casually asked where he was and why. He's used the hidden spare key to get in play his Xbox. He has an Xbox at his dad's but apparently can't play a certain game there. It's got to 9pm and I have seen he's still at mine, so I just called exH to ask what's going on. Immediate defensive mode asking what else is he (exH) supposed to do? Make him stay with him? I said yes, you're supposed to spending time together, you're the adult, you decide where he should be and can't you see why it's wrong for him to be at mine when I'm not there and he's supposed to be with you? But there's no talking to him, he just holds his hands up and says he cant do anything else about it. I've told them all in the past that they're not to do this, it's not the first time it's happened. How the heck do I get the message across without quite frankly, losing my shit? I could remove the spare key but it does prove useful for times, like earlier today, when he has genuinely needed to enter the house for swimming gear that wasn't planned for. I know I have to be the villain and reinforce the boundary yet again but it's as though I can't get the message across so it sticks.