To think that my exH should actually parent his kids when he has them

[Drowningincokezero]

Been separated 3 years now and my two DS 14 and 10 visit their dad's one night a week and every other weekend. Their dad only lives at the other end of our village, deliberately so as we decided that close proximity would be beneficial for the kids if they wanted to pop round at any time.
ExH has always been a very passive person and has proved himself unable to stand up to anyone, now including our 14yo DS. This weekend they've been with him and I've been out of town. I'm due home tomorrow. The boys have both been at school today. I have them both on 360 and I e seen that the 14yo has been back at mine since 5pm. I called him around 6pm and asked about his day, and casually asked where he was and why. He's used the hidden spare key to get in play his Xbox. He has an Xbox at his dad's but apparently can't play a certain game there. It's got to 9pm and I have seen he's still at mine, so I just called exH to ask what's going on. Immediate defensive mode asking what else is he (exH) supposed to do? Make him stay with him? I said yes, you're supposed to spending time together, you're the adult, you decide where he should be and can't you see why it's wrong for him to be at mine when I'm not there and he's supposed to be with you? But there's no talking to him, he just holds his hands up and says he cant do anything else about it. I've told them all in the past that they're not to do this, it's not the first time it's happened. How the heck do I get the message across without quite frankly, losing my shit? I could remove the spare key but it does prove useful for times, like earlier today, when he has genuinely needed to enter the house for swimming gear that wasn't planned for. I know I have to be the villain and reinforce the boundary yet again but it's as though I can't get the message across so it sticks.

If he lets himself in when you are away and he was supposed to be elsewhere and accidentally burns the house down (escaping unhurt, obvs) then would your house insurance cover you to replace your possessions? Does he make toast or use the oven?

Why wouldn't it? Someone who LUVES there being in the house

A lot of men only seem interested in finding a new partner not maintaining a relationship with their children. Once they have a new partner then great, the new partner can look after the kids.

I am sure the dad thing is a huge issue. But also, at some level, don’t most of us like having one base in life? Maybe your son just feels more comfortable and relaxed in his own room with all his stuff. Esp as he gets older.

Not everyone thinks that way! We’d never leave a 14yo home alone overnight. I’m not sure we’d leave a 16yo - I don’t have one yet but I know friends who do wouldn’t, and my mum said she’d never have left us home overnight at 16.

My 14yo DS wanders back and forth between the 2 houses regardless of who is home or where he’s supposed to be. So long as he lets us know, neither of us mind. He’s sensible so I know he’ll be fine and always locks up when he goes. The 2 homes are literally across the street from each other so if he’s at his dads and dads not home he pops back here for food. And vice versa. It works for everyone.

Yes myself and some of my friends had our own places at 16. Not everyone is babied

And to think that Mumsnet has a bit of a reputation for man-hating. Can't imagine why.

Erm our 15 year old has been doing this since he was 13 and quite happy for him to decide where he wants to be or which house. Same ages in friends kids in our town and they do the same drift between both homes how they feel like. Not sure why you want constant contact, kid is growing up, going somewhere safe rather than on a street corner drinking and doing drugs

do you have a garage or shed where school sports gear could live for this kind of event? And could you turn off the connection for his pc/games console somehow? I can kick devices off of some of my accounts for example. I know you shouldn’t have to play bad cop - but your DS has gone in when he shouldn’t have and you can control that (while letting him know it’s on ExDh as well) @Drowningincokezero teenagers can be very creative can’t they 😱🤯

Yes exactly. I do allow him to be at home for periods. I'm self employed and during the summer holidays he has spent stretches of time alone but it's very different when I'm at work 5mins drive away having left him food Vs at the other end of the country blissfully unaware that he's there alone. You've given me lots of suggestions about home measures that I will look into, thanks. If I am to let him have access while on his dad's watch then there is definitely a need to have a way of making sure he stays within ground rules, guests allowed etc.
The suggestion of changing CM will go down like a lead balloon and will be another reason to paint me as in unreasonable 🙄. I might bring it up if it goes that way though.

Yes he has me on 360 tool as well as his younger brother. I'm very open with my kids about being responsible for them l, and us all each other. None of us have anything to hide 🤷

Yes I can see this to be true

Im not after constant contact. But I do need to know if he's at mine so I can not leave the place cold and empty, and have the opportunity to know it's happening so I can establish some ground rules / go over what's expected or any problems he might encounter. Remember that this has been foisted upon me. I'm open to him being there but I need to have had a say in that decision.

At that age I didn’t see my dad for nearly a year, and nobody ( except me) noticed. My conclusion was that my dad couldn’t really be bothered, and my mum wasn’t bothered about his parenting either.

Yeah, it's almost as if women have a good reason to be disappointed with men.

But don't worry - women don't have a good reason for anything, and should never be taken seriously.

Can I recommend you look into learning the difference between justified complaints and wide, sweeping offensive generalisations? It might help you to be taken more seriously.

I stand by my comments that dads are generally not involved, that men think they're doing a great job when they're doing almost nothing, and that men don't take women seriously. They are wide, sweeping generalisations, and yes, I can see that men would find them offensive because they don't like when a woman dares to say anything that makes them feel remotely uncomfortable.

And then you come on here to tell me I'm wrong and you're not taking me seriously. Think about it.

Anyway, peace and love.

If I was a child who could only see my dad two months a year I’d take that over none at all

you are entitled to insist on consistency when he’s in the country but I think he should be seen in your children’s lives like grandparents visiting. Stop ruminating on why doesn’t he want to be here more etc it’ll drive you mad.

@duckydoo234 Once again you are showing that you're having real difficulties distinguishing between the specific and the general. When I pointed out that what you - a specific individual - wrote was a sweeping and offensive generalisation, I was criticising you as a specific individual. I wasn't generalising that to everyone who happens to share the same set of chromosomes as you.

Specific vs general. Think about it.

@duckydoo234completely agree with you. My ex (very very part time Disney dad) has openly told me that parenting is a mothers role but I know paints himself as an amazing father and really believes it but is absolutely useless and takes no responsibility!!

@GasperyJacquesRoberts you made a general statement about Mumsnet being man-haters, and I made a general statement to explain why I believe that is the case. Then you went on the attack. Let's call this a day.

I feel your pain. My ex "forgets" to parent. Ive had to let things slip but not things like not brushing teeth for 5 days because he can't be bothered to make sure they do i won't as it will impact them and im the one that takes them to the dentist and want them to have teeth!! They'll drop by all the time to grab something which is fine but I've asked him to give me the heads up as he would throw a fit if it was the other way round. Ask your teen to give you the heads up if hes going to be there when you arent as you need to know hes safe and can make sure he eats. I get its frustrating but mine are also starting to vote with their feet. I knew that not having a bed or space would eventually outweigh the lack of rules at daddys

I think you're being a bit unfair. How do you suggest he forces a 14 year old to stay in his when he doesn't want to? I mean he could just lie and say he's gone out with friends and go back to yours?

He's 14. Not a small child anymore.

Turn off the WiFi.