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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Too Much, Too Soon?

126 replies

NattyQuail · 03/11/2025 18:11

I met a man two weeks ago online after about a month's worth of casually talking. He seems nice and genuine. Late 40's and I'm 40. He lives about an hour's drive from me in a flat/bedsit. I have my own terraced house. He pays for his daughter who is 7. But I'm starting to think he is moving too fast with me. I've asked him to slow things down, but we've spent a lot of time together and he's stayed over nearly every time. We met up this weekend and again he stayed over. He bought me an Amazon fire stick as a surprise and then got upset when I questioned why he was fiddling with my TV. If he had told me what he was doing and why then it wouldn't have been so bad, but I ended up telling him that I felt overwhelmed and not used to this much involvement from someone whom I haven't even known for two weeks. He apologised but said he didn't feel like he'd done anything wrong. I just feel like he's taken over my life a bit and I'm starting to feel like a guest in my own sodding house!

It was nice regarding the firestick but totally unnecessary and he wouldn't even tell me what he was doing until he'd finished.

That night in bed he lightly spanked me when he was about to cum. It wasn't hard and he just did it once, but I was shocked he'd done it without discussing it beforehand. He had no idea whether I am into that sort of stuff or not. I told him not to do it again and he should have asked. He immediately apologised again and he did sound very remorseful but that on top of the Amazon firestick has given me a massive ick. The spanking more so, tbh. I told him I've never had that done by someone who cares.

AIBU - I'm overreacting?
YNBU - The ick is justified.

OP posts:
CanadianCooper · 04/11/2025 05:30

Happyjoe · 03/11/2025 19:19

Bloody hell, where is the romance? The dating, the butterflies in the tummy? The anticipation of things to come? The very best bit of dating! An hour is not far way, should've been meeting half way for a nice meal, a walk, cinema, normal lovely stuff, not fiddling with TV's and spanking you on the arse. Sorry OP, you've fast-forwarded the relationship, no wonder now feeling a bit overwhelmed, listen to your gut.

Edited

100%. OP you have had a hand in moving this too fast. Why on earth are you having him stay over when he’s a virtual stranger?

Chess101 · 04/11/2025 06:31

It’s two weeks and he’s stayed over ‘many’ times? He’s not the only one who is moving too fast. You are too!

EleanorReally · 04/11/2025 06:35

seems to bit off putting op

333FionaG · 04/11/2025 09:48

Time to dump him before he turns up with his suitcase and a sob story about his landlord evicting him.

scatterolight · 04/11/2025 09:54

What's giving you the ick is you are having sex with a man you met 2 weeks ago. And that wasn't even the first time. People aren't supposed to become intimately embroiled like this within minutes. He is a total stranger to you and your instincts are crying out for you to be more cautious.

NattyQuail · 04/11/2025 17:21

Gilgogirl · 04/11/2025 01:35

Op, I’m so sorry that this turned into a shit show but I hope you realize this man whatever was trying to take over your life and people are just trying to make you laugh. I hope, at least you appreciate them

I do, actually. I've not been disappointed 🤣

It's so hard these days to find someone decent who is financially sound when I'm in such a good set up myself. Guess I'll keep looking.

As for the sex, he is good at that, minus the spanking!

OP posts:
CarpetKnees · 04/11/2025 17:29

Gilgogirl · 04/11/2025 01:32

Isn’t that a song

Where's the laughing emoji when you need it?

pinkyredrose · 04/11/2025 18:01

Are you giving him the heave ho Op?

NattyQuail · 06/11/2025 13:18

I spoke to him when these things happened and since then I think he's taken onboard what was said. I do still like him quite a lot, so we've slowed things down a bit and I'll see how things go.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 07/11/2025 12:19

Ok well good luck. What are your next few dates going to be?

Mistyglade · 07/11/2025 12:24

TomatoSandwiches · 03/11/2025 18:56

It's that time of year, the cocklodgers are out and about op.

💯

Takingbackmylife · 07/11/2025 12:25

You’re having sex but upset he got you a gift?! I expect he wasn’t telling you what he was doing so he could surprise you! You’re allowing him in your home, I don’t think he’s crossed any lines tbh but that’s your choice to make!

BluntPlumHam · 07/11/2025 12:40

TomatoSandwiches · 03/11/2025 18:56

It's that time of year, the cocklodgers are out and about op.

😂 this

moderndilemma · 07/11/2025 12:45

NattyQuail · 06/11/2025 13:18

I spoke to him when these things happened and since then I think he's taken onboard what was said. I do still like him quite a lot, so we've slowed things down a bit and I'll see how things go.

OK, so he's realised that you're not quite as gullible or malleable as he thought... But he still woud prefer your home and lifestyle to the one he can afford. The obvious thing is for him to respond as you asked.

For now...

Please draw up a list of boundaries. Share them with a trusted friend, someone who will speak out if those boundaries are gradually eroded...

moderndilemma · 07/11/2025 12:51

@NattyQuail Had you ever discussed wanting a firestick before he purchased it? If not it is a very odd present to give you.

When he set it up, is he the one with the password controls? Is it linked to his email account / bank account? Or yours? Could you reset it with your own password?

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/11/2025 18:50

Can anyone else smell hobosexual?

NattyQuail · 11/11/2025 13:44

pinkyredrose · 07/11/2025 12:19

Ok well good luck. What are your next few dates going to be?

Thank you. Not doing very much at the moment as I've got quite a bad chest infection which I can't seem to shift.

OP posts:
NattyQuail · 02/01/2026 14:33

So I thought I'd give an update on the way things worked out now that it's over.

I was ill for 6 weeks in the end. Apart from the firestick issue and the spanking which I corrected him on, everything was fine for the first month. He was great, very caring and kind to me. It was only once I got better everytime we went out he'd want me to pay for meals and drinks. Then I found out he was a binge drinker who had an attitude that I did not recognise when he was drunk. There was no malice in him in the nasty way, tone of voice etc, but his whole personality changed. He used to spend the day after in my bed asleep. He is on strong prescription painkillers for nerve pain in his shoulder. I said you should not be drinking this way. The meds made him drowsy anyway, even without the alcohol. He let his daughter down one day because he was still in bed at my house. She is 7.

The weekend after that he let me down after a night drinking with friends. Said he'd got flu. He left me on read when I asked whether I was still seeing him later. I think he was so hungover that he'd lost the entire day. Swore blind he didn't see my messages until the next day, even though he messaged me first on said day.

Then new year and he got a flat tyre and let me down again. He messaged me to say he was really down that he couldn't see me and that he loved me. I'm one of the best things to happen to him this year etc. I phone him. He never answers. He'd finally invited me round to his flat but I couldn't go that week as I had other commitments. So at least I got an invite and he didn't know I couldn't make it.

Said he'd let me read his phone as he had nothing to hide. I didn't. Didn't want to anyway. I didn't ask in the first place.

So when he let me down on NY, I went back online to the site where I met him. I hadn't been on that site since the night I met him, but he has. Said it was to look at my photos which I didn't believe. He posted a new pic of himself last week on Christmas Day. I messaged him on the site instead of WhatsApp which is our usual site. The last message he sent there was telling me he loved me and he was really down about not seeing me at NY etc. But he hasn't seen anything I've sent back.

He said he bought me a present for Christmas which he never gave me. He bought me a Basque earlier this month. Said my present was all wrapped up.

Never have I seen so many red flags in this time frame. It's scary. It's totally over now, obviously. At least no one can say I didn't give him a chance.

This all happened during 2 months. That's it. Most of it happened in one month.

I know I'll get people calling me stupid for dragging it out so long, but really it's no time at all. It was just getting Christmas out the way.

People put up with this shit for years. I'd rather die. So know you know what he was. A cheating cocklodger.

OP posts:
midsomermurderer · 02/01/2026 14:37

.

Jackiepumpkinhead · 02/01/2026 14:37

You’re not stupid and I’m glad you’ve escaped the weirdo! Hope 2026 is good to you.

NattyQuail · 02/01/2026 14:52

Jackiepumpkinhead · 02/01/2026 14:37

You’re not stupid and I’m glad you’ve escaped the weirdo! Hope 2026 is good to you.

Thank you xx

OP posts:
LemaxObsessive · 03/01/2026 18:03

You introduced a man to your 7 yr old daughter and had him in your home, after a month?! Hmm

NattyQuail · 03/01/2026 18:06

LemaxObsessive · 03/01/2026 18:03

You introduced a man to your 7 yr old daughter and had him in your home, after a month?! Hmm

You didn't read my post at all.

I am child free. I did not meet any children. He has the child.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 03/01/2026 18:07

LemaxObsessive · 03/01/2026 18:03

You introduced a man to your 7 yr old daughter and had him in your home, after a month?! Hmm

Where on earth did you get that from?!

SliceofTosst · 03/01/2026 19:42

Wow! Lucky escape there.

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