…to talk to my friends about personal stuff

[Thaicurryandtamales]

Just had a horrifically uncomfortable conversation with DH and I’m probably in the wrong but I’m interested in others’ perspectives.

Basically I recently developed a huge crush on someone I worked with, not ideal and I didn’t intend to but there it is. I didn’t act on it. I kept things professional and we’re not working together anymore.

I was really struggling with these unwanted feelings and talked to a few friends about it. One of them made a stupid offhand remark to DH and it all came out and he’s understandably upset - about the crush (fair enough) but even more so about the fact that I talked to other people about it instead of him.

None of it was malicious and I didn’t want him to find out because I didn’t want him to be worried or upset when I had absolutely no intention of acting on my feelings. At the same time, talking about things is how I process them and I would have gone crazy had I not had anyone to confide in. It would have eaten me up.

My opinion is that sharing stuff like this with close friends is ok and healthy even and that he actually SHOULD be more open and vulnerable with his friends - not least because being the only person he talks about his problems to is a big emotional load for me.

Or maybe female friendships are just different to male friendships?

I think talking to a few friends about this was unwise. At most, I’d have spoken to one trusted and discreet friend who understood it was to go no further.

i’m not surprised your DH is upset.

I agree with the first reply, but I'd probably go further and say this is what a therapist is for.

Talk to ChatGPT about it instead. I suspect that if a friend told you your DH was banging on about how much he fancied a colleague you'd not be best pleased.

😬
Your poor DH. I'd be so upset to hear that, and it's definitely much worse knowing it's been the gossip between your friends. So hurtful and humiliating.
People have crushes and that's normal, but no, it's not something I would have felt the need to share with anyone else, one of the reasons being the situation you are in now where one friend just couldn't keep her mouth shut.

I think you were really foolish to discuss this with multiple people and exclude your DH.

I can understand sharing with one, very trusted friend. I think a lot of people would do that but not mention to their spouse to avoid worrying them.

But several people? Almost guarantees at least one will mention it to their partner, or it'll get out, or a slip of the tongue will happen, or someone will presume DH knows.

In his shoes, I'd be fuming, and deeply worried tbh. To know that you were struggling so much with this massive crush you confided in multiple people about it while hiding it from me. I would imagine there's more to it than meets the eye, and be doubting your honesty.

Truthfully to find out from someone else your spouse has a huge crush on someone and you're the last to know, would be gut-wrenching, embarrassing, humiliating, and something I think many people would struggle to come back from.

You have a lot of work to do here to work through this with your DH, show him you're trustworthy, explain why you made these choices, and hope that he is willing to work through it with you.

Your poor dh. No wonder he’s upset, if mine did that he would be in the dog house for a very long time.

I think you must have chosen the friends in which you confided spectacularly poorly, if one inadvertently blabbed it all to your DH, who now not only discovers that you had a significant crush on a coworker, but that this appears to be widely known. Pretty humiliating. Not only has talking to your friends not made you feel better, but it's made the situation worse all round.

It's not a matter of not being able to talk to your friends about personal stuff. It's a matter of choosing your confidantes carefully for their discretion and ability to hold their tongues.

Stop turning this back onto him doing friendship wrong. You screwed up here.

I’d be very upset if DH talked to his friend about having a crush on another woman, especially it turned out that that friend was an untrustworthy blabbermouth.

I think the key to this is "a few friends". How many is a few? And did you think they were trustworthy?

I have three female friends I would discuss this type of thing with. Two live close and I see them regularly. If one of us is struggling with something, the other two will listen, sympathise and offer suggestions. And it stays between us. What happens over coffee and cake stays over coffee and cake. But none of us ever see each others husbands to talk to, I wouldn't actually recognise one of the husbands as I haven't set eyes on him for about 10 years.

The other friend is an old school friend, we were teenagers together and discussed all sorts of teenage stuff at the time, and although we only see each other face-to-face two or three times a year, we both feel extremely comfortable with each other. And neither see each others husbands.

I can understand your DH being upset to find this out through a third person.

I don't think you were unreasonable to discuss with other female friends, that's normal. It's what happens here every single day. But someone was indiscreet, and that's your problem.

Don't confide in them again.

And yes, I do think it would do men good to discuss emotional stuff with other males, not just their partners.

Nice "friends"..

In my early 20s I had a crush on one of my boyfriend’s friends. VERY STUPIDLY, I told my abusive mum about it !! Of course you can guess what happened next

it causes endless hurt and pain, just don’t.

Yes this as well!

not sure if he as forgiving as you OP!!

Who else might your ‘friend’ have told that you have a crush on someone else?

I think it's fine to tell a trusted friend you have a crush on someone. Obviously you picked the wrong friend. I wouldn't tell my DH I had a crush on someone.

You should be able to talk to friends. Your DHs feelings are also valid, I'd feel pretty humiliated in his position. The issue here is who you trusted with the info, I wouldn't be sharing anything personal with the friend that brought it up again. Why would she do that?

Your friend isn’t the friend you thought she was. I’d be furious.

I can understand your DH being upset, but I can also understand why you confided in someone. I might have left it at one friend though. The fact that you discussed it with several people reduces the situation to gossip.

This is the sort of thing I'd only speak about with my ride or die, the one person on earth I trust as much as I trust my husband. I definitely wouldn't talk to "a few" friends. The more people you talk to, the less secure your secret!

Talking about problems - healthy, good, everyone should have an outlet

Talking about problems to multiple people and then being surprised it gets out - bit silly

Yeah I know it was stupid. Lesson learnt. I understand why DH is upset and I really hope I can win his trust back. I know I talk too much/overshare, it’s been an issue my whole life really. I’d love to have therapy but not sure time and finances allow.

Dunno why the friend mentioned it to DH, it did feel quite spiteful (and was super awkward). She’s not in a good place at the moment and with hindsight definitely not a safe person to confide in. I don’t know whether to talk to her about it or just distance myself a bit.

What was the remark the friend made?

Distance yourself a bit?! She's essentially tried to ruin your marriage OP. I'd be doing a bit more than distance.

Oof, awkward as arse. Poor DH.

He came in the room and she just said “we were talking about Dave” (not his real name obviously). Then there was an awkward silence. I had actually already told DH that I’d been finding things a bit intense with Dave so he knew something was up. He later asked me about it and I couldn’t lie to him which is how it all came out.

I talk to my closest friends about all sorts of personal stuff but they've been my friends a long time and I know that they would never in a million years talk to my DH about what we've discussed! You need better friends!

That isn't an accident, at all.

I wouldn't bother speaking to her about it at all. Just cut her off and leave it at that.

Distance yourself a bit?

I would do more than distance myself, I would stay well clear, and she wouldn't be back round my house again - as much for DH's feelings as anything.

If you know you over share, then remember how this made you feel and try to use it to keep a check on yourself when you find yourself wanting to share personal info.