…to talk to my friends about personal stuff

[Thaicurryandtamales]

Just had a horrifically uncomfortable conversation with DH and I’m probably in the wrong but I’m interested in others’ perspectives.

Basically I recently developed a huge crush on someone I worked with, not ideal and I didn’t intend to but there it is. I didn’t act on it. I kept things professional and we’re not working together anymore.

I was really struggling with these unwanted feelings and talked to a few friends about it. One of them made a stupid offhand remark to DH and it all came out and he’s understandably upset - about the crush (fair enough) but even more so about the fact that I talked to other people about it instead of him.

None of it was malicious and I didn’t want him to find out because I didn’t want him to be worried or upset when I had absolutely no intention of acting on my feelings. At the same time, talking about things is how I process them and I would have gone crazy had I not had anyone to confide in. It would have eaten me up.

My opinion is that sharing stuff like this with close friends is ok and healthy even and that he actually SHOULD be more open and vulnerable with his friends - not least because being the only person he talks about his problems to is a big emotional load for me.

Or maybe female friendships are just different to male friendships?

I never tell anyone anything I dont want people close to me to know, if if not intentional things get out

Same as I wouldn't say anything I would be upset if my husband said, it works both ways

Thanks for the replies. I am taking it all onboard and I’m going to work really hard to change. It’s awful to know you’ve hurt someone you love. It wasn’t malicious but it was incredibly stupid, I know that.

No - keep your own counsel about things like this. Even if your friends are normally trustworthy, they might get drunk and spill the beans.

Too risky - people can and will get hurt.

I think having one trusted friend you tell.evertrhing to (I have one).is fine. I trust her completely. But once a group of people know, and they all know they know, and it's discussed openly between the group it feels like of a secret to those who are involved.

If you were all laughing about it, this one friend might not have engaged her brain and realised it was something you wouldn't want your husband to know. She might have just forgotten herself in the moment. Some people do that without intending to be malicious.

But it does make her someone you can't trust because the others did realise that.

I think if needed confide in one best friend who you trust completely. Not someone who is going to try and hurt your husband! I wouldn’t have told anyone it was just a crush it would pass.

Not to clever of you.......

No this isn’t a “control thing” where the issue is he controls what you talk about. This is a “you thing”. You were unwise to share this with “multiple friends”. You chose the wrong people to confide in who then threw you under the bus - foolish to leave yourself so vulnerable. You have created drama and your husband rightly feels humiliated.

Whoever made the remark so it all came out isn’t a friend. Some stuff isn’t for sharing and some stuff can be shared in a safe way. You didn’t consider this. Sorry OP.

Your friend went out of her way to try and ruin your marriage. She is not a friend.

Ffs when are people going to realise that discussing private thoughts or actions with others is a massive no-no.
If you want to keep something a secret DON’T TELL ANYONE!!
I bet your husband is gutted and will probably mistrust you from now on - think before you share next time!

He must feel like a mug.

Sorry, I’m with your DH. If you were going to offload to someone else, it should’ve been someone who wasn’t going to say anything. He’ll no doubt be feeling embarrassed and with good reason.

And yes, male friendships are very different. DH has lots of good, long-standing friends, and they rarely talk about anything emotional or personal. One of his group had a marriage breakdown, so DH and the others took him out for a drink. When he got back I asked what had happened with the marriage and he genuinely had no idea, they hadn’t even discussed it.