…to talk to my friends about personal stuff

[Thaicurryandtamales]

Just had a horrifically uncomfortable conversation with DH and I’m probably in the wrong but I’m interested in others’ perspectives.

Basically I recently developed a huge crush on someone I worked with, not ideal and I didn’t intend to but there it is. I didn’t act on it. I kept things professional and we’re not working together anymore.

I was really struggling with these unwanted feelings and talked to a few friends about it. One of them made a stupid offhand remark to DH and it all came out and he’s understandably upset - about the crush (fair enough) but even more so about the fact that I talked to other people about it instead of him.

None of it was malicious and I didn’t want him to find out because I didn’t want him to be worried or upset when I had absolutely no intention of acting on my feelings. At the same time, talking about things is how I process them and I would have gone crazy had I not had anyone to confide in. It would have eaten me up.

My opinion is that sharing stuff like this with close friends is ok and healthy even and that he actually SHOULD be more open and vulnerable with his friends - not least because being the only person he talks about his problems to is a big emotional load for me.

Or maybe female friendships are just different to male friendships?

Yes I feel absolutely awful so will try and hold on to that, good advice.

The thread wasn’t really about the friend but it has made me reflect on what she said. It’s not quite as simple as cutting her out - she was our housemate for 7 years and is our DC’s godmother and we’re all part of a wider friendship group (a couple of whom now I think about it she has also fallen out with) and I think it was partly motivated by loyalty to my DH who she is also friends with. But mainly I think she’s depressed and acting out of character.

It makes it awkward if she is godparent to your child, but at the end of the day, your DH and DC are the ones you need to be considering here.

She may be depressed, or going through a difficult time, but right now she has caused you a problem that you are now needing to put right.

You don't have to "do" anything as far as she is concerned, other than don't initiate contact and be busy if she contacts you. Avoid one-to-one or small group meet-ups and stay politely distant at larger group meetups.

Agree with others that you need to be very careful what you tell friends. I find that most people share things and aren’t actually very discreet.

Why would you expect your DH to be OK with the fact that a) you've been acting like a lovesick puppy over another man, b) all your friends now know this and have been looking at him thinking 'Poor bloke, he's got no idea his wife's getting her rocks off thinking about another man' and c) this was humiliatingly revealed to him by your friend when you were both gossiping about it - apparently while your DH was right there in the house?

Unless your DH has got a cuckold kink, none of what you've described was ever likely to go down well.

Of course everyone needs someone to confide in but you shouldn't have been cheerfully chatting about your crush with all sundry. One, ultra-trusted person maybe (or at the very least, someone who doesn't actually know your DH) but not several friends and certainly not one who is, apparently, a total cunt. And not while your DH was in the bloody house.

I think you're being very unreasonable to try and turn this back on him by complaining he doesn't lay himself bare emotionally to his friends. He's done literally nothing wrong.

If you have to tell someone your most private embarrassing stuff, choose someone who you absolutely and utterly trust

Not someone who is really good friends with your DH and has strong loyalty to him too

If you need to share stuff, maybe do it anonymously on a chatboard. Oh, I don't know. Mumsnet?

My feelings exactly

I’m not sure the ‘talking to friends’ is the main problem here. If I was your DH I’d be considering my future in this relationship. You seem completely oblivious to the enormity of what you’ve admitted to him.

Only he’s not. He’s just not blabbing about his fantasies about a colleague to all and sundry, including someone who deliberately told the OP.

I agree you should be able to be open but extremely discreet. It's tricky though because sometimes there is no one to talk to. If I'm having issues with DH i don't feel I could talk to anyone really openly and this is hard for me sometimes. Many of my friends are DH friends too and it feels very disloyal. My sister thinks the sun shines out his ass so would always jump to his defence. What I'm saying is in your position I probably would not have told anyone about the crush because there was no one suitable to tell. Sometimes you have to keep things to yourself too.

I think you're being very unreasonable to try and turn this back on him by complaining he doesn't lay himself bare emotionally to his friends. He's done literally nothing wrong.

I agree with this.

Plus, it sounds like this 'crush' had become a topic of general conversation for you and these friends, which is all a bit disrespectful to him. Especially if he were close enough to just walk into the room. How much time exactly do you need to devote to talking about some bloke at work you fancy? I mean, unless there was something new to say, what exactly are you talking about/saying about him?

Your poor husband. Don't try to turn into 'men should share more'. Somethings shoud never be shared.

Dont talk to ChatGPT about any of this. It gives terrible advice. Did you need see in the news about that teenager that was encouraged by it to commit suicide.
Also you are giving it all your personal details. Who knows how that will be used in the future by hackers or scammers.

Talking to anyone about this is breathing life into it. You should have kept your feelings about this person to yourself and managed it quietly.

I would be absolutely devastated if one of my husbands friends let me know he had a crush on someone at work and they’d all been discussing it.

No wonder your husband is upset. You need to not be defensive, apologise, reassure him how much you love him and that his feelings are valid and ask him what you can do to make things better.

I’m surprised you’re still such a proponent of talking about this kind of thing with your female friends when one of them told your husband. Who else has any of them told?

I'm sure you wouldn't be happy if it was the other way round and your dh told his friend all about a woman at work he fancied.

Not great op

I think you are so unreasonable.
You didn't want him to know, but you were perfectly happy telling a few friends all about it. I'd be so embarrassed if my husband was telling all his friends he had a massive crush on another woman. There are some things you really should keep to yourself. He has done absolutely nothing wrong, poor man. If it was the other way around, people would be telling you to leave him.

Why is there any need for discussion about a crush in the first place? If a man was talking to his mates about how much he fancied Jenny from accounts department then 3 quarters of MN would be calling him sleezy, saying women should be able to go to work without some creepy bloke perving over them.

It's perfectly natural to develop a crush, but not ok to discuss it.

I think it was partly motivated by loyalty to my DH who she is also friends with

Yeah this is really important. If I had to confide in someone about something similar I'd pick someone as distant from DP as possible - not just someone who was chiefly my friend, but someone who ideally didn't know, see or have contact with DP.

By the same token I've become friends with lots of my friends' partners and I'd feel really conflicted if they told me something like this.

And you didn't just confide in multiple people but you did so at the same time. That stops looking like "confiding in trusted friends about an issue causing you stress" and more like gossip. It's never really comfortable to know people have been talking about you behind your back, even if they were probably saying nice things, and in this case would have been utterly humiliating for him. Because it's not just about having a crush on another man, it's the knowledge that you'll have been comparing them in depth - their personalities, their bodies, how they make you feel.

The actual crush itself is probably the least important bit of this. Of course you never want to know if your partner fancies someone else but rationally everyone knows it happens. There's nothing wrong with having an involuntary crush that you don't act on. Gossiping about it with your mates feels like a deeper betrayal.

Well, yes, especially if you do it with multiple friends — it looks like gossip, or like you are basically indulging yourself by talking about your crush.

Absolutely, they happen to virtually everyone at some point, and I don’t think that in themselves they are any indicator of anything wrong, but you starve them of attention and get on with your life until they die off naturally.

And choosing to gush to a friend who has a long-standing friendship with your DH indicates really poor judgement.

Quite agree with this. I talk to my friends about all sorts of stuff, and vice versa, never would we dream of telling others about the conversations.

Maybe be more careful of who you are talking to and who you can trust…

I think this sort of stuff (crushes) should be kept private. Less trouble that way for everyone.

I have a rule that I don’t discuss anything about my marriage with anyone outside of my marriage or a therapist. I don’t tell anyone about any problems I’m having with my husband, including my very best since childhood or my Mum. I request my husband does the same, although it’s more of a don’t ask don’t tell policy (as in, he would never turn around and say “my mum says this about XYZ argument we had”).

I personally think the more people you open up your marriage to as an open forum discussion and debate, the more it becomes an issue and people, like your friend, can get inside it. My advice would be less talking to others, more talking to your husband.

But... you did not tell to your friends... this person who went back to your DH, that one is out of the friendship circle.
It is better to keep these things to oneself, to protect yourself from this type of issue. There is always a wolf in sheep skin around the corner.
Your husband does have a right to be upset, of course he does. On top of the crush, he has been humilated by your so called friends.

I have learned to never tell anyone anything you don't want repeated. I've been told things that have been told to others in confidence 'but don't tell anyone'.

I don't ask, people just tell - or gossip. The worst for it is DH. I know everyone at works business - he's in a position the bosses tell him & he tells me, do men are just as bad!

I never repeat it, having been the person whose had deeply personal things told to close friends repeated. I find it sad people are so untrustworthy. My friend told me her troubles which had been going for a long time - if I'd known I could have supported her, but I get why she waited until she cracked under the strain until she told me.