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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men’s Morals

59 replies

JosephineCornwall · 03/11/2025 15:03

There’s a guy I have known for around 10 years through work. He’s married to a great woman and is step-dad to her two kids (10 & 12). There’s always been some chemistry but I have always kept him in check with a very firm boundary (I was also in relationships sometimes during our friendship), as I have no desire to give any signals that I might be interested in being romantically involved with a married man. He’s now told me he really thinks we might have a future. I have told him we may, or we may not, but that he is married to a wonderful woman so there’s absolutely no point in even entertaining any thing further. He said he would leave his wife if I could give him some solid hope that we might be together, as he isn’t going through a difficult divorce if I don’t give him that. Gobsmacked! I thought he was an emotionally and intellectually intelligent man, but really they are all cut from the same cloth and only think about themselves first. AIBU to totally cut him off now? I feel that is the right thing to do but interested in others’ views - would continuing on a flirty friendship continue to give him a green light and feed his ego?

OP posts:
something2say · 03/11/2025 15:05

No, cut him off. He has been inappropriate and showed you his true colours. He should not have said such things at all, dreadful. It's perfectly OK to cool off from him. He is not a good guy.

I disagree that all men are like that though, they are not. Find a good one and keep those firm boundaries.

KimuraTan · 03/11/2025 15:07

Any man who establishes a relationship (whether physical or emotional) with another person will do exactly the same to that very individual. Steer clear and make sure your boundaries are tight. Why would you even entertain him by saying you might consider it. His partner is wonderful and they have kids together. The lack of loyalty and respect he exudes would make my vagina clamp shut with a snap.

Agix · 03/11/2025 15:07

Tell his wife. If he doesn't leave for you, it'll be some other poor woman he wants to monkey branch to. The woman he's married to deserves better... Certainly not a man who is just looking for the opportunity to leave.

If you really want to be all chaotic good about it, lead him on, tell him you'll be with him, tell him to give his wife everything in the divorce to make it easier with absolutely massive child /spousal maintenance and he doesn't need anything anyway as you'll cover it for both of you as you're so in love ... Then ghost him when it's all done lol.

Largestlegocollectionever · 03/11/2025 15:08

wow like you’d want the sleaze at anyway if that’s how he treats people!

toomuchfaff · 03/11/2025 15:10

have always kept him in check with a very firm boundary

I have told him we may, or we may not,

So you didnt "kept him in check with a very firm boundary " you didnt cut him dead, you enabled it?

If my friend approached me saying we may have a future he'd be told dead centre, no bones. No niceties

You didnt do that.

Tell him to fuck off. Tell his wife shes married to a sleaze and suggest she gets her ducks in a row and divorces his ass and walk away.

coldiris · 03/11/2025 15:10

Don't see the point of "continuing a flirty friendship" unless it's what you want. You can't really continue something like that without one thing turning into another and in this scenario ultimately ending in cheating. Once a cheat, always a cheat. Not going to be any different with you. It's all until the next best thing comes along.

Userengage · 03/11/2025 15:11

“Would continuing on a flirty friendship continue to give him a green light and feed his ego?”

He sounds highly unattractive and you sound desperate for the attention.

MaisyN · 03/11/2025 15:12

Hmmmm I’m not sure your morals are squeaky clean here either OP. Being the “work wife” tends to lead to this kind of thing…

Jollyjoy · 03/11/2025 15:14

I think if you can maintain your boundaries, you can still interact with him if you wish, with the crystal clear message that his attitude towards his wife has made clear to you that he’s not a man you’d be with in a million years.

TheatricalLife · 03/11/2025 15:16

Why on earth would you continue a "friendship" with this utter sleeeze? You know he isn't remotely interested in you as a friend? He wants to have sex with you. He's absolutely no intention of ever leaving his wife voluntarily. He's trying to convince you to give in, after which he'll keep you dangling with promises of this and that which come to nothing, until his wife finds out. Tale as old as time.

Catonacoldfridgefreezer · 03/11/2025 15:17

I have told him we may, or we may not,

You clearly like the attention and your morals are not better than his! You mention what a fantastic wife she is but yet you are having these intimate conversations with him… why does he even think you may be interested? because you’re not shutting him down, clearly.

Original poster
JosephineCornwall · 03/11/2025 15:18

toomuchfaff · 03/11/2025 15:10

have always kept him in check with a very firm boundary

I have told him we may, or we may not,

So you didnt "kept him in check with a very firm boundary " you didnt cut him dead, you enabled it?

If my friend approached me saying we may have a future he'd be told dead centre, no bones. No niceties

You didnt do that.

Tell him to fuck off. Tell his wife shes married to a sleaze and suggest she gets her ducks in a row and divorces his ass and walk away.

Edited

Re- reading my words I realise it does sound mixed - “the may, or may not,” was supposed to sound that a prospect of an “us” is utterly irrelevant as he’s married. I think any dancing around he’s going to jump on - I agree, I need a sledgehammer approach.

OP posts:
TheatricalLife · 03/11/2025 15:23

JosephineCornwall · 03/11/2025 15:18

Re- reading my words I realise it does sound mixed - “the may, or may not,” was supposed to sound that a prospect of an “us” is utterly irrelevant as he’s married. I think any dancing around he’s going to jump on - I agree, I need a sledgehammer approach.

Show quote history

I suggest "no, there is no future for us. I don't find you attractive and I won't ever be interested, even if you do divorce". You need to be brutal, straight forward and make sure he's too knocked back to keep trying. He doesn't deserve anything gentler.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 03/11/2025 15:26

He's crossed a major line in your relationship. IMHO, if you do anything other than completely distance yourself from him, you will have crossed that line to some extent as well, at least that's how he will see it. To be frank, that's how I see it as well because you didn't exactly slam the door in his face, you actually left it slightly ajar.

JHound · 03/11/2025 15:28

Not men, just his moral. Although I have often seen it said (and have often witnessed) that men rarely end relationships to be alone. They only end relationships when they have a new person lined up.

I would also limit all interaction with this colleague. Even if he left his wife he is awful for saying this.

Gottocopebymyself · 03/11/2025 15:30

I don't know what you consider your boundaries to be but the fact you have a flirty friendship with a married man
suggests you don't have much respect for his wife or his marriage.

That you didn't shut him down he proposed having an affair with him soeaks volumes. You've certainly given the impression you aren't aversr to the idea of a relationship with him.

Rank hypocrisy from.you going on about his great wife when you are already behaving inappropriately with her sleezy H.

Overdonecabbage · 03/11/2025 15:31

Yuck

Your standards must be in the gutter OP to have maintained this relationship. Get yourself a therapist. Pronto.

vitalityvix · 03/11/2025 15:33

I would have told him that I’d never have a future with a man who was willing to treat his wife so poorly.

Overdonecabbage · 03/11/2025 15:33

You have children op?

SquaredCircled · 03/11/2025 15:33

That's highly unattractive of you both, OP.

I did have a married friend and knew that, had we not both been happily married, we would have entered into a relationship with one another -- but we literally never talked about it. We were both married. We were both happy in those marriages. It was simply that we'd met one of the other people with whom we could have been happy, had things been otherwise.

It is perfectly possible to acknowledge that something is the case, inside your head, and not to do anything about it. You were both feeding your egos here. You're just cross now because he's taken out of the realm of flirtation and said 'Look, if you won't guarantee you'll shag me than I won't bother leaving my wife!'

MidnightMeltdown · 03/11/2025 16:13

Maybe he’s genuinely not happy in his marriage and is willing to leave? Not usual. Many couples stay together out of convenience after the love has gone. You see it all the time on MN. Woman no longer loves DH but stays for x, y, z reason (often related to finances).

Men do the same. Often they don’t divorce until they think it’s really worth it, as they know they’ll be taken to the cleaners/have to go through a load of aggro.

Does it make him selfish? Probably, but I don’t see why it makes him ‘intellectually unintelligent’.

YodasHairyButt · 03/11/2025 16:17

Cut him off, he’s not your friend. To continue any kind of relationship now would be colluding in his fantasy and is disrespectful to his wife. Also he’s a scummy shitbag so why would you want anything to do with him? His poor wife, I’d be tempted to tell her everything. She deserves better.

JHound · 03/11/2025 16:48

MidnightMeltdown · 03/11/2025 16:13

Maybe he’s genuinely not happy in his marriage and is willing to leave? Not usual. Many couples stay together out of convenience after the love has gone. You see it all the time on MN. Woman no longer loves DH but stays for x, y, z reason (often related to finances).

Men do the same. Often they don’t divorce until they think it’s really worth it, as they know they’ll be taken to the cleaners/have to go through a load of aggro.

Does it make him selfish? Probably, but I don’t see why it makes him ‘intellectually unintelligent’.

Edited

An even split of assets is not “taken to the cleaners”. If that was the case the divorce gap would be the reverse of what it is.

JHound · 03/11/2025 16:49

MidnightMeltdown · 03/11/2025 16:13

Maybe he’s genuinely not happy in his marriage and is willing to leave? Not usual. Many couples stay together out of convenience after the love has gone. You see it all the time on MN. Woman no longer loves DH but stays for x, y, z reason (often related to finances).

Men do the same. Often they don’t divorce until they think it’s really worth it, as they know they’ll be taken to the cleaners/have to go through a load of aggro.

Does it make him selfish? Probably, but I don’t see why it makes him ‘intellectually unintelligent’.

Edited

An even split of assets is not “taken to the cleaners”. If that was the case the divorce gap would be the reverse of what it is.

PixieandMe · 03/11/2025 16:51

’told me he really thinks we might have a future. I have told him we may, or we may not.’

Don’t even tell him that, it’ll give him hope and inflate his ego!

He’s just trying to sweet talk you into bed.

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