Men’s Morals

[JosephineCornwall]

There’s a guy I have known for around 10 years through work. He’s married to a great woman and is step-dad to her two kids (10 & 12). There’s always been some chemistry but I have always kept him in check with a very firm boundary (I was also in relationships sometimes during our friendship), as I have no desire to give any signals that I might be interested in being romantically involved with a married man. He’s now told me he really thinks we might have a future. I have told him we may, or we may not, but that he is married to a wonderful woman so there’s absolutely no point in even entertaining any thing further. He said he would leave his wife if I could give him some solid hope that we might be together, as he isn’t going through a difficult divorce if I don’t give him that. Gobsmacked! I thought he was an emotionally and intellectually intelligent man, but really they are all cut from the same cloth and only think about themselves first. AIBU to totally cut him off now? I feel that is the right thing to do but interested in others’ views - would continuing on a flirty friendship continue to give him a green light and feed his ego?

Cock lodger alert - elbows up!

He ll only leave if he has another couch to sit on, a replacement wife to cozy up to and someone to spoon with.

Can't stand on his own two feet. USER!

Often on MN, you see the OW being blamed equally-or more- than the cheating OH and I have always found this a bit unfair.

But then I read posts like this and realise that actually, the affair partner can be incredibly manipulative in progressing a relationship they 100% know should not be happening.

From your description, you have been having an emotional affair on some level for pushing a decade. The level of intimacy is such that this man felt comfortable enough to ask if he left his wife, whether you would pick up the pieces with him.

Your reply was at best-vague and misleading-and at worst, deliberately titllating and manipulative. No one who is not interested in a person answers that "they may or may not have a future". What a load of rubbish.

You chose those words for plausible deniablity for when he does leave-it couldn't possibly be your fault, you promised him nothing!

And then to boot, you absent mindedly wonder whether a flirty friendship should be maintained after this exchange!!!

You are either being deliberately goady or you have been reeling this man in for years and think strangers will buy this faux innocent facade you are projecting.

His poor wife.

I have always kept him in check with a very firm boundary (I was also in relationships sometimes during our friendship), as I have no desire to give any signals that I might be interested in being romantically involved with a married man.

Yes, but...

He’s now told me he really thinks we might have a future. I have told him we may, or we may not...

would continuing on a flirty friendship continue to give him a green light and feed his ego?

Absolutely agree. Shocking behaviour from you both.

I think you need to look at your own "morals" and admit you've enjoyed/are enjoying this.

If there's always been chemistry, why on earth have you been friends with a married man?

Why did you not just tell him straight it's out of the question, rather than it could be good if he wasn't married?

Who knows what he's up to, but your ego is loving this imo.

Do you not think that, if nothing else, his talk about seeing a future with you when you two have never had any relationship experience together makes him, if not a total liar, then just really fucking stupid?

I think you know the answer to this. I agree that men are all the same person. Their sex drive is supposed to keep the species reproducing but it isn't compatible with civilised life. Or most women's expectations.

exactly this!

I'm truly amazed that you needed to get advice about this. Cut the cheating shitbag dead.