Men’s Morals

[JosephineCornwall]

There’s a guy I have known for around 10 years through work. He’s married to a great woman and is step-dad to her two kids (10 & 12). There’s always been some chemistry but I have always kept him in check with a very firm boundary (I was also in relationships sometimes during our friendship), as I have no desire to give any signals that I might be interested in being romantically involved with a married man. He’s now told me he really thinks we might have a future. I have told him we may, or we may not, but that he is married to a wonderful woman so there’s absolutely no point in even entertaining any thing further. He said he would leave his wife if I could give him some solid hope that we might be together, as he isn’t going through a difficult divorce if I don’t give him that. Gobsmacked! I thought he was an emotionally and intellectually intelligent man, but really they are all cut from the same cloth and only think about themselves first. AIBU to totally cut him off now? I feel that is the right thing to do but interested in others’ views - would continuing on a flirty friendship continue to give him a green light and feed his ego?

Ewww now that’s the behaviour that gives me the full on ick!

Why would anyone want a relationship with a bloke like that. Clearly utterly amoral.

Honestly I don’t think ether of you if push comes to shove for this to go anywhere

sounds like ego boosting fantasy for both of you

He’s now told me he really thinks we might have a future. I have told him we may, or we may not, but that he is married to a wonderful woman so there’s absolutely no point in even entertaining any thing further.

FFS.

Talk about mixed signals. Not to mention muddying the water with ‘come hither’ vibes…

Give your head a wobble knock!!

Maybe he’s genuinely not happy in his marriage and is willing to leave? Not usual.

Or he could be just telling the OP he wants a relationship when he's just after sex.

In what situation were you in where he felt comfortable telling you that. Was it at works? In what capacity do you work with him and how closely do you work together? Sounds like you hang out with him sometimes.

The children aren’t his. Why would he give them child support?

A stick of dynamite approach and blow up any ideas sleazy fuckwit may have.
Leave him under.no illusion it ain't happening.👍

10 years of needing a “firm boundary”?

Seems unlikely.

You need to cut him off unfortunately or this will all end in one of about five kinds of horrible.

He sounds flaky, duplicitous and very mixed up.

Sounds like you're just as bad......

@JosephineCornwall im not in a relationship but I think it’s disrespectful of you to flirt with a man knowing he’s married. I’ve worked in many offices where I’ve had friendly banter with a man but in all my years never flirty. There were occasions when a married man would try to ‘test the waters’ as it were with a suggestive comment but as I’m not good with confrontation my approach was just to ignore it and respond by changing the subject. I’m a bit of an introvert but it’s really very easy to do. Those type of men just move onto to a different female to try their luck.

I always remember the saying "Marry the mistress, create a vacancy". Any man who can do it once can do it again.

You know what you are doing op, you say should you carry on your flirty behaviour? You sound to me like a simpering schoolgirl, flirting away until he suggests going one step further, then you are ' oh no no no, a thousand times no, you naughty man'. Grow up, both of you before you do some damage 😡😡

Oh stop it. I won't say you're as bad as him, because he's married, but you're cut from the sane cloth. Ten years of mutual ego massage and flirting under the guise of 'friendship'? And when he really crosses the line to ramp up the excitement by (no doubt falsely) claiming he'd leave his wife, you faff about giving him an answer that encourages him while keeping you officially in the clear. Yes, his morals are extremely suspect. But to get all squeamish about that after playing silly games for years is hypocritical to say the least.

This man is married, end of. You keep solid boundaries and step back from any friendship you may have. He's looking for an affair, and has seen your friendship as a steppingstone to taking it further. Don't get involved. Affairs at work are rarely so discrete no one knows, usually it's picked up by colleagues. A roll in the hay isn't worth losing the respect of your colleagues and all the fallout when his wife inevitably finds out. Keeping a flirty friendship, is giving him signals that you are interested. If you genuinely aren't, then don't go there. Why would you want a man who's prepared to cheat on his wife??!

"No no you naughty man" did make me titter. Showing my age, but now picturing OP as the Mandy character played by Dick Emery. Which I doubt fits her image of herself.

Oooo you are awful but I like you.,😁

I agree with PP; your firm boundary is a lie you tell yourself. You describe your friendship as flirty and you didn't shut him down when he said he thought you had a future together. You've enjoyed and been flattered by the attention whilst maintaining plausible deniability. His morals would be irrelevant if you had not been an equal participant in the flirting. You can't stop him being an awful husband but you don't have to assist him. Cut him off, neither of you know how to maintain an appropriate boundary.

You know the answer.

So if you are not interested then why have you not from the start clearly and firmly stated that, morals work both ways

You are both game playing

Yuk - give him the elbow!

Yanbu if you was to cut him off. It would be unreasonable to carry on and say things like "We may or may not" when he's said you two have a future as that is encouraging him. Just remember if he'll do it for you, he'll do it to you.

Why on earth would you want to continue a flirty relationship with a man like this??

For him to announce he thinks you have a future together, I assume you've been letting him believe you think the same. You don't just stroll over to a colleague and announce that 😂 Behave. You're just as bad.

Oh yuk, yeah bin him. You should probably tell his wife although she may not believe you or he’ll say you were after him and jealous or something. But if I was the wife I’d want to know.