Parents hoarding money

[Antisocialg1t]

Speaking to my Dad today and he boasted he saves £2,000 / month and has well in excess of £250,000 sitting in the bank. He was lamenting not having enough places to put his money without paying tax. He also stated that in retirement he's never had it so good compared to his working life.

I can't help but feel resentment. I think this stems from the almost daily grind of raising two children (15 and 13), always wanting the best for them, and sacrificing constantly. I'm hugely motivated by the fact I strongly believe that adult life is going to be harder for them than it was for me and hugely more difficult than it was for my parent's generation. I just can't reconcile feeling how I do about my children, and knowing that my dad thinks very differently about me and my family. It has brought to mind how little he's ever done for my children / his grandchildren, despite being retired for their entire lives. It's also brought into sharp focus how much of his time he's used to save and hoard money, rather than give more of himself.

But I feel huge guilt because this has come up because of a conversation about money.

Anyone else in a similar position?

Care homes are £35-55k a year at the moment and inflation is almost 5%. I'd simply meet his comment with something like "Sunset Homes will soon take care of that and HMRC the rest I expect. I'd enjoy it while you can."

I passed a generous amount from an inheritance to my son. It really did change his world in a way I could never have imagined. It’s so lovely to see. Why be an old miser. I don’t get it x

Many of those who are funded by the state will have been in the same income bracket as those who are having to self fund, the difference being that the self funders have been careful with money and are now being penalised for it. I know a lot of people who worked in the same jobs as we did but chose to spend up almost every month, new car every couple of years etc..
Remember, if your parents give you some of the money they're 'hoarding' and subsequently need care the authorities could come to you for that money back as the 7 year rule doesn't apply.

MIL is like this, she also has 6 properties 5 of which are rented out + generous final salary pension. DH lost his job (context for how little £ we currently have) and when she came to stay with us for 4 months whilst we looked after her after an operation she invited 12 people over for dinner, said she would order take away, balked at the menu cost then told me to cook! I refused and stayed late at the office that day instead...Stingy as f - doesn't spend on herself either, buys the cheapest possible value meat and veg, ragged clothes etc.

As mean as it is I am counting down the days until we receive our inheritance.

This is the problem for older people. What sounds like a lot of money will quickly disappear if the both have to move into care, especially nursing care.

My father is like this and has never offered any financial help, although to be fair I’ve never asked. I’m sure if I was in dire need he would help me out if I asked, but he certainly wouldn’t offer. I guess he’s just of the generation who lucked out in terms of rising property prices and final salary pensions. He worked all his life and is reaping the rewards I suppose in the same way I will when I retire. I’m sure my kids will feel hard done by in comparison to me. I wouldn’t be surprised if state pensions are means tested by the time they retire of they exist at all. The pension age will probably be in the 80’s by then too.

@Blueyrocks very occasionally there are anomalies, people like myself and my husband have spent years playing the financial markets and overall have done well. Very high risk, it’s not for the faint hearted. Trump got in and the markets crashed, the panic on MN, people selling or cashing out, we bought. Markets have surged over 30% now. We made close to double our earned income last year. When I was at University I had to take a module on economics to fit in with my timetable, nothing to do with my degree but it was probably the most useful time I ever spent in the classroom.

I agree in general, but many older people can’t expect this because the fact people are able to do that in those cultures is largely because the grandparents help a lot with childcare and money earlier in adult life so that by the time they need care their children are in a much more secure position with careers and finances and have sufficient space to house them. You can’t have it both ways.

And if you read my first post, and many others here, you’ll see that in many situations that isn’t a relevant concern because the parents let their children and grandchildren struggle even when they have plenty of money to help them financially and cover any conceivable care costs for themselves in luxury. Some people are just utterly selfish.

They could do but only at the time of gifting that there was a reasonable expectation of potentially receiving care. As a PP said, where people get caught out is when they leave the gifting too late. But generally speaking it’s irrelevant anyway since most people don’t require paid-for care.

@WhatATimeToBeAlivethis is my first post to which I referred.

But when you "play the financial markets", you're still aquiring money rather than earning it. Aquiring it from a finite pot. So, aquiring it from someone else. Point is, the money you got came from somewhere in a system where some people work and still don't have enough, and others don't work and have more than they know what to do with.

It is what it is, but what's difficult is the millionaire pensioners claiming their kids feel entitled to their money, when if anything it's the other way around - it's the rich pensioners who feel entitled to live wealthy lives for longer than they worked, paid for by the labour of their working children.

Well, I've never once complained and never expected anything at all. I've told my parents to spend every last time on anything they want. They earned it, if they want to blow it all on a last trip somewhere, go for it. I've never felt entitled to anything from anyone.

@jonnybriggswasgreat not do Sure though that plenty may need to pay for some care, even if not care homes- that can still easily add up to £1800 a month if needed every day several times

My advice to anyone saving hundreds of thousands of pounds for care is this. Look into the monthly cost of your preferred care home. Take one months cost out of your savings and do something with it. Go on an amazing holiday, give some to family, buy your GC swimming lessons or driving lessons, get a new kitchen, give it to charity, whatever! The loss of one months care cost compared to doing something amazing for yourself or others is worth it. My DM is in a nursing home now and is living a nightmare, all memories gone, hallucinating and screaming every day. For the cost of one month she could have achieved her dream of travelling Australia comfortably for many months. I wish she had!

Yeah my in laws have £2.5m+ and share only a very fractional amount (think £1k our way a year). They also complain they have so much money they don’t know what to do with it. They’ve started collecting expensive watches now as investments (each watch £10k.+)
they also complain about their recent £10k holiday having too rich food and too much wine (and they love wine)
It is very draining to listen to but I’m quite good at hmmm and zoning out.

my mum on the other hand has a small amount of wealth in comparison - less than £100k and she sends us money each month for our children’s nursery bills etc. always sending random money in case we need it (she’s said she won’t have much to inherit but she wants to help us during her lifetime and also earlier in our lifetimes)

Yes, it's his money and it's his choice what he does with it. That's true of course.
But those choices reflect the kind of man he is, the kind of father and grandfather he is. And you're not being unreasonable to feel sadness at that.
Boasting about how much money he has while watching the younger generation suffer is particularly unpleasant in my opinion.
It will change how you feel about that person which gives a deeper feeling of loss that he's not the person you thought, or hoped, he was.

Id tell him there's no point in worrying about paying tax on savings now, because thats going to pale into insignificance with the amount the taxman is going to take as IHT. Let him stew on that.

Why would he care? He’ll be dead.

Some would call him prudent based on the cost of care homes these days.

@SinisterBumFacedCat I so agree. When the pil lost capacity it turned out they had £400k sitting in mil’s current account! Over the years their parsimony and stinginess was legendary. Not with themselves - they enjoyed splurging on (horrendous) ornaments and garden projects, but their presents were insultingly bad (eg out of date chocolates). And they always pleaded poverty!

Anyway, Mr Sunset Homes took the whole lot + their house. And it was a very basic home too as mil’s type of dementia (screaming) debarred her from any “naicer” establishment.

I wonder what will happen in the future with funding as post-boomers I doubt whether a) most people will have been able to amass giant coffers, and b) if they have they will be savvier and try to offload their savings.

Well, I've never once complained and never expected anything at all. I've told my parents to spend every last time on anything they want. They earned it, if they want to blow it all on a last trip somewhere, go for it. I've never felt entitled to anything from anyone
Same here! I have no idea how much money my parents have. I think quite a bit. It's none of my business. They raised to value self-sufficience and I have raised my kids with the sane value.

I have just read the thread from a sahm mum saying she feels guilty spending a large amount of money on a non essential item. Some responses are quite interesting, such as 'we all deserve a treat' without knowing the actual circumstances.

I can't help but wonder how many people who do believe they deserve treats are the ones also moaning that their rich parents don't share their wealth with them.

I think the sentiment of helping children/ grandchildren is nice and something we anre missing in today’s society but the entitlement is beggars belief. As many have said he probably is considering care options for 2 people - if he spent the money on you and your children, would you care for him in his old age?

Me neither. We have already told our children that they will not be looking after us under any circumstances.

My own belief is a ‘social care tax’ should come in at 45 of 2% on income - this is totally ringfenced - and only the first £50k of savings can be taken from an individual - above and beyond that itsall state funded. This would actually benefit everyone from those with not much apart from their house to the well off . It would cover not just residential and nursing care homes but carer visits etc -

I also think care homes should gradually be bought out and be brought under state control, so prices can be controlled .

that way people could actually pass on money along the line without panicking that they could be done for deprivation of assets or worrying that they need infinite amounts of money for ‘possible’ care

If he was a decent father and grandfather, he very much would care because the more money goes to the government the less his estate will pay.