fell out with freinds gf i believe shes being controlling

[ReapersSideKick]

so me and my freind have been freinds for about 4 years she started dating somebody a couple of years ago only once have me and my freind met up without her gf being present ive always let it go because i dont like confrontation and i knew it would only open a can of worms if i said anything but over the last few weeks its got worse if my freinds gf has something planned with a freind of hers or family member me and my freind will arrange something her gf will then cancel her plans and come with us so last thursday i spoke to her about it saying me and my freind should be able to make plans without her always being there at first said we were all freinds and thats why she always wanted to go with us i said no sorry im freinds with your gf weve been freinds since before you started dating your gf should be able to spend time with her freinds without her gf always having to be there she accused me of picking on her then accused me of bad mouthing her freinds which wasnt true its her thats being doing that saying that theres a couple shes freind with who dont make a good couple she makes fun of the way one of them walks behind her back etc but shes went back and told her freinds its been me thats doing this then today she played victim on the bus i heard them both on bus didnt speak to each other but she tried to make out she was scared to walk past me when getting off as if i would have done something to her although i didnt even look at them i only knew they were on bus because i heard theyre voices ive never been violant shes never saw me being violant even we we argued i didnt verbally abuse her or threaten her

I don't really know what you want from this post OP as you seem happy with your approach. You don't agree with the majority of the advice given here to stand back, and that's fine, but do you want opinions or advice or just somewhere to vent?
Nobody here is telling you to turn a blind eye, they are saying to stop intruding. There is a difference. You can absolutely be a support for your friend, but you can't insert yourself into a relationship and tell the couple what they can and can't do. Do you think a confrontation has done anything to help? Seems it hasn't. It's actually caused more issues.
Your friend is an adult (presumably). She has to be the one to make the decisions in her life. Be there for her by all means, but you've made her life more difficult now by causing a rift, not better. She's now in the middle of two people and will feel the need to pick sides, potentially making her more isolated.
You are entitled to dislike her partner and you are entitled to not want her in YOUR life. You can't tell your friend to feel the same way.

no your reading comprehension is terrible ive already said my freinds confidance is at rock bottom and didnt have much confidance before she started dating her gf ive seen her gf bellitle and embarress my freind in front of me with the way she speaks to her and thinking its ok to have a go at my freind my freind just sits there and takes it doesnt stand up for herself so sometimes its not about choosing not to stand up for yourself thats how bullies work they destroy your confidance

it may have been a mistake with the way i handled it i realise that now but as i said its difficuilt when you see that going on to just sit back and say nothing especially when its dragged on for so long

So how has your intervention helped?

Has it helped your friend?

now your just being a smart you know what how do u think that helps?

There’s a lot of information online around coersive control and also cults. While you have meant well, your approach generally has the opposite effect (You’ve become the bad guy and the partner may well seek to isolate your friend more).

I have had a not dissimilar situation in my family. It is not about turning a blind eye at all. It’s about being a supportive, steady, rational influence, not feeding the drama, not putting someone in a position where they feel the need to choose sides and not getting involved in the relationship. It’s actually a harder path to take as you have to bite your tongue a lot!

When the person starts to truly recognise the situation they are in, it is you they will turn to. This worked for my family.

thanks harbour ill try and bite my tongue and be there if freind needs it

thanks harbour ill try and bite my tongue and be there if freind needs it

I can see that you are very angry about it and that you are trying your best to be a good friend which is lovely.
You wanted to help, it's gone awry, it's where to go from here.
Speak to your friend, explain that you love her and will always support her and be there to listen, but you can't be around her partner anymore and support what you feel is a toxic relationship. If she would like to meet up separately, you'll be very happy to do so and she can ring you anytime.
I would also do some self preservation and remember that if the partner feels threatened by you (even if she is pretending) she could throw some accusations out that might cause you a lot of issues.
You've had your say now, it's done and they know how you feel. Speak to your friend, then give it all some space. She'll come to you when she needs you.

I'm not being smart, I'm actually curious, you're so convinced your confrontation plan is the best way to help your friend, I'm wondering if it has actually helped?
The fact that you won't answer seems to be an answer in itself.

I personally think there are better ways to support your friend, confronting their abuser is generally one of the worst things you can do in situations of genuine long term abuse. It's NOT the same as sticking up for a friend when someone insults them or belittles them on a night out, which would be perfectly acceptable, this seems to be a long term situation, and all it has done is given the GF the push they need to try and get rid of you completely from your friends life.

You should really contact a domestic abuse charity for guidance if you really want to salvage the situation and help your friend escape.

from what I can understand,, I’ll try helping you out.

do you think it’s a serious relationship? Do you think they will stay together for a long time? In that case, it’s going to be difficult for you to end this relationship.

around how old are you? 14–16? 16–19? This helps to see whether it’s really going to be a serious relationship.. most of mine only lasted a couple weeks when I was 14.. Is there a big age gap? Or maturity gap? 15 and 17 is a major age gap and maturity gap..

try not writing anything on text as she might show her gf and then her gf will have a real reason to hate you..

talk with your friend, maybe by call or whatever.. and try telling her this isn’t right,etc.

im assuming this is a wlw relationship, so is she smitten with her gf? It’s harder for people to see sense then. Try provoking in a way her gf to see if she’ll yell at you in front of your friend and see if your friend changes her opinion on her..

wishing you the best, if there’s anything else I can help with I’d love to

mumsnet sometimes likes to put people down, I assume it’s because the text is mostly a block etc etc, try ignoring them and they’ll be disappointed they didn’t get a reaction. If someone wanted to help they would.

take care!