Aibu and an ungrateful cow?

[Thimgsaregettingweird]

My mil has always done us a Christmas hamper.

Just to be clear we’ve never asked her for this and we are not hard up for food or anything like that but it was always a lovely welcome gesture. She’d put in some treats like a tub of chocolates, some hot chocolate, nice dips/sauces/chutney, crisps, biscuits, a few cooking sauces and a bottle of wine.

The past few years the hampers have gone really weird. It’s like she’s cleared out the back of her cupboards and there’ll be 10 tins of value/basics soup, a tin of corned beef/spam/tinned meatballs, a lot of the things are out of date with the record being something THREE YEARS out of date. Half used bottles of handwash and things that have clearly been regifted because they’re dirty/used.

Mil is not short of money.

I wouldn’t ever say anything to her, but aibu to feel it’s a bit of an insult giving us a hamper of out of date and weird random items?

Your DH needs to speak to her about it and just be completely frank. “Mum. These hampers have been getting stranger every year - we really don’t need a pile of tinned food, we can buy our own so please don’t do one this year”

Hmmmmm it comes across as cost saving to me… regardless of perceived wealth or cost saving for whatever reason even if they are well-Off

Can still get dementia in your 69s though. It's the most rational explanation unless the year before this started you said something mean about her abd her hamper in her earshot.

Look either your DH says something or you take control if he won’t. I’m sure if he’s being a effing coward you can think of an excuse to break tradition.

Every birthday / Christmas my husband’s sister gives him just cook boxes that are 2-4 years out of date. We never say anything just throw them away, it does upset him a little though. Another year she gave him a ladies perfume. I won the regifting lottery one year when I got a Liz Earle gift set worth about £50, I don’t think she realised 🤣

Do you and your DH receive separate Christmas presents from your MIL in addition to this hamper?

If your PILs are very well off, preparing a Christmas hamper with all the out of date stuff from her house that she doesn't think is good enough for her and your FIL to eat is quite mean and insulting.

Yes she gives us all presents, the hamper is separate.

Tbh her gifts have always been wild. For example she’d buy dh loads of clothes in size small when he’s quite clearly at least an XL, but she’d never have the receipts. Or stuff she should know he’s allergic to, stuff for a bicycle when he doesn’t have a bicycle, things like that. That went on for years. Dh asked her to stop though and she did. I’d always get a random selection from home bargains.

She always tells us what she wants in August 🤣

sounds like she falls apart over christmas shopping
that is understandable

Can you just say no gifts going forward? I don’t buy for anyone outside of dh and young children and I don’t get unwanted shite

Its not really usual to give someone out of date tins, tinned meat and used toiletries as a Christmas treat is it?

You're not wrong. It's almost unbelievable.

She sounds like a tight arse.

Her age is slightly irrelevant I think. People are diagnosed with dementia younger than her. We think mum had dementia for a number of years before it really began to show.

She's mean.
Or she has grown mean with age.
What would annoy me more is your husband gaslighting you that its a mistake, leaking soap.
That would piss me off more.

This sounds like my Inlaws. They buy the weirdest shit without putting any thought into it. We stopped buying for them years ago, and suggested they did the same, but they still buy 🤷🏻‍♀️ I think it’s more so they can feel good about themselves than actually wanting to buy something we would like. Charity shops do well out of us after Christmas 😂

Oh god this reminds me of my ex-best friend of 20+ years who was always notoriously tight, and her gift to me once… A big hamper, containing 2 reduced tops from Primark in 4 sizes too small for me (she knew my size), some very old bottles of Dove, a toiletries gift set that was faded and bent, basically all the crap she no longer wanted and/or had been given many christmases ago.
She was incredibly proud of herself for it, too! It was the only time in all our years of friendship that she’d ever given me any kind of gift - despite what I’d bought for her and her DD previously.
YADNBU OP, it’s insulting.

My nan's alzheimer's disease began to really show in her early 60s.

If my MIL gave us a hamper filled with crap like that, my DP would get the point across with a 'joke' laced with honesty, e.g. "Mum, you do know we can afford to buy our own baked beans and spam?! Did you get bored of this hand wash half way through?!"
We don't expect or need gifts, but we would definitely question a box of clearly used and out of date stuff, even just to say please stop, it is not necessary!

Yeah same here, seems like a weird thing to do especially putting opened things in there

My in-laws love shopping and hate throwing stuff out. But they buy indiscriminately and end up with so much (shite) they don’t want or need but won’t part with because charity should begin at home and food banks just give to immigrants. A mental loophole is that they can give it to me and DH and they do whether we want it or not. Rather than fight it, I just give it to the charities and foodbanks. I’ve always considered it vaguely generational (not the racism etc, but the saving for a rainy day at any cost way of thinking) Just wondering if it could just be that, as the only difference is that ours doesn’t come in a nice basket

I don’t think this is Alzheimer’s/Dementia and that’s saying it as a daughter of someone that started showing signs in their early 60’s and is now in a nursing home in their early 70’s.

OP I think you need to tell your DH that you both don’t want anymore hampers and then think up an excuse such as you’re trying to eat less tinned and more fresh food.

My Dad became extremely anxious about money in his later years, despite being pretty well off.

I think the update you’ve provided on the sort of presents she usually buys is telling. The nice hampers were an anomaly (perhaps regifted and she hadn’t realised they were nice, and now she’s making her own).

It seems all her present choices are odd
/ thoughtless / mean. It’s the sort of stuff you read about on the stately homes threads about narcissistic parents.

Well you know what to give her this year!! Random shit she gave you last year and stuff you don’t want from the bottom of the cupboard and random shit from B&M!! Ignore her lists!! She is well aware of what she is doing and this is passive aggressive - she is not a nice person and this is only out of spite she is doing this to you and your husband. I guess he isn’t the golden child or the favourite and your kids are not the favourite grandchildren?

Does she ask for expensive gifts for herself? If so, I wouldn't buy what she has asked for. I would save the crap from the previous year's hamper and re-gift it to her.

Hilarious! 😀
Buy some used, useless rubbish, eg some tasteless china ornament in a charity shop (which you chip if it isn’t chipped already) then gift it to her this year.
See if she says anything.

My MIL was extremely generous with food when I first met her. Would over buy for when we visited, lots of treats, if anything got near a sell by date it would thrown out before you could blink.

She has done a complete 180 in the last few years. She now lives alone and gets really stressed over every little bit of food. When we go to visit now, we even have to take some essentials with us as she will get so stressed over buying things that might not get fully used up. One poor piece of lettuce kept being presented at every meal in a tiny ramekin (it was literally a shred) until it was brown and limp. She had to be persuaded it was OK to throw it away.

She also says its because she was born in the post war generation but it isn't, it's a new thing for her.

Again, plenty of money and very secure so that isn't a factor.

I know it's slightly different but it's so noticeably different to how it used to be. I think it's because although her life is full of friends and family, due to losing her husband and retiring, her world has shrunk daily.