Aibu and an ungrateful cow?

[Thimgsaregettingweird]

My mil has always done us a Christmas hamper.

Just to be clear we’ve never asked her for this and we are not hard up for food or anything like that but it was always a lovely welcome gesture. She’d put in some treats like a tub of chocolates, some hot chocolate, nice dips/sauces/chutney, crisps, biscuits, a few cooking sauces and a bottle of wine.

The past few years the hampers have gone really weird. It’s like she’s cleared out the back of her cupboards and there’ll be 10 tins of value/basics soup, a tin of corned beef/spam/tinned meatballs, a lot of the things are out of date with the record being something THREE YEARS out of date. Half used bottles of handwash and things that have clearly been regifted because they’re dirty/used.

Mil is not short of money.

I wouldn’t ever say anything to her, but aibu to feel it’s a bit of an insult giving us a hamper of out of date and weird random items?

I missed that post.

It could well be that. She clearly used to go out choosing some nice items but maybe she has got fed up of doing it but doesn’t know how to stop the tradition.

It's really weird.

You don’t need to be grateful for an objectively shit and thoughtless gift but if I were you I’d probably just have a laugh about it. Your DH could talk to her and suggest she doesn’t need to go to the trouble etc etc but I wouldn’t take offence.

One thing I didn’t add that is relevant.

We don’t live near mil, but will usually see her and fil over the Christmas period to exchange gifts so it could be between Xmas Eve and Boxing Day.

But mil will request that dh drives over to collect the hamper in the days leading up to Christmas so that we have got our hamper in time to enjoy it before Christmas.

It’s not even like she’s doing it to get dh to visit though, because she leaves it in the porch for him as mil and fil are usually out.

In that case announce you are doing some wacky diet that just involves eating….i dunno organic carrots and nothing else and say you won’t be able to eat the food and not to worry about a hamper

People dont have to be frail or elderly or reclusive to have something going with them neurologically, Op. I think it's very strange behaviour and worth noting.

I agree with others that this raises concerns about her health, and people in their 60s who have active busy lives aren’t immune.

A person can be in her 60s, be very active and have a full life, and still show signs of dementia.

Can you sit down with your husband and talk to him about it?
That you are concerned about his mother, and worried about her and her health.

Why are so many posters suggesting DH says something. OP could just say something too!

it’s pretty funny thinking she might be tying herself into knots trying to get out of this tradition and settled on giving you shitter and shitter things until you beg for mercy 😂

What do you give her?

Maybe just let her off the hook, say it must take so much time putting these hampers together and you don’t know what to do with the baskets and really it’s fine to stop putting in so much effort now. A box of chocolates or a bottle of wine would be fine.

My thoughts too

OP, does your DH have any siblings, or is it just you that MIL makes a hamper for? If there’s someone else, you could compare notes and see what they think. It’s very definitely odd behaviour - and I really would have got DH to point out the three year old thing. Could DH broach the whole hamper thing and the changes that have happened with FIL at all?

I agree with this, neurological conditions aren’t always apparent to begin with.

I would approach by FIL saying that the items in last year's hamper were out of date by 3 years and the bottles were half full. You are concerned about her using that was out of date food? Or perhaps, it a mistake and MIL had a clear out and thrown out the wrong items?

I am not averse to a bit of re-gifting, but only if the item is unused, with tags, in original packing (whatever is applicable). I would not be happy having to appear grateful for our of date basics items.

Suggest they buying for the children. You can get them a token gift from the children.

Then I think your husband should speak to her about it

I'd also suggest deteriorating health, if not dementia or something neurological, then perhaps her mental health?

I had a friend that used to buy me all kinds of random crap for Christmas. I don't think she meant it maliciously but she did have mental health problems and I think she believed that giving me lots of "stuff" demonstrated her friendship, without actually considering if it was stuff I would actually want. Maybe your MIL is struggling to maintain relationships and feel/show appreciation and so believes that quantity over quality is what demonstrates this?

Dementia??

My MIL went weird with Xmas gifts in the early days of her vascular dementia & Alzheimer's starting, does she have any other out of character odd things starting?

To be honest, I'd gift it right back or simply leave behind. If nothing wrong with MIL, then it is coming over as a bit rude.

My nan started giving really weird christmas presents as she got older. Really bizarre stuff.

• giant musical wind up ceramic carousel
• hair brush set that looked second hand
• violin themed tea cup and saucer (noone plays the violin)
• mug with my name spelled wrong
• cheap compact mirror, clearly second hand, used and old fashioned style.
• ceramic wesh lady traditional dress figurine

Before the bizarre present stage she used to buy me nice jewelry.
Then for some reason I had ten years of random presents. Tbh I still have most of them and treasure them.

That was my first thought. My mum wrapped cheese in Christmas paper and delivered it 3 weeks before. Wasn’t pretty when we opened it on Christmas morning.

Id put it in a wardrobe in a spare room so hadn’t noticed the smell.

If she left it in her porch to be collected, is there any chance someone else could have nabbed bits and replaced with out of date stuff? Just putting it as a possibility.

Maybe ask where she’s getting her hampers as it’s all been way past use by date, and you don’t want her to be embarrassed, or think you’re ungrateful, but you’ve had to throw it all out.

Christmas only coming round once a year might be a factor; if she is beginning to drift, weekly events will be more ingrained and carry on automatically.
I know this sounds bizarre, but when my late DM began to deteriorate mentally, it was the Christmas traditions which didn't quite come off that first rang warning bells for me.
She was a civil servant before she retired, ran a tight ship at work, and was totally on top of things like Christmas posting dates, but in the aftermath of her passing, several of her friends commented that they had first wondered if something was amiss when they didn't get a Christmas card.