i can’t do this anymore. step kids are ruining my life.

[stepparent55]

Hi everyone. Just want an opinion and whether to know or not AITA? I know i keep complaining on here about my situation. But this is the only space i have where i can talk openly about my life and what seems unfair. I can’t talk to friends / family as their response is always: you knew what you were getting into. While that may be true I wanted to know your thoughts on how I feel and whether this makes me a terrible person.
Do I have a right to think it’s completely unfair that I have to look after my husband 4 children from a prev marriage every weekend? My child goes to their dad every weekend. And what should be time to myself to reset and rest, instead becomes increasingly harder and I end up dreading every weekend. It seems unfair that on weekends my child’s going to her dad, and another woman’s children (4) come to me and I have to look after them so she can get free time off? Even when my partner does help out with his own children, I am still left cleaning up the house after them, cooking, buying groceries, washing their clothes, drying their clothes, bathing them and making sure they don’t get hurt the weekend when they are in my care.
Is it wrong of me to feel like this is an unfair trade? on weekends, what is supposed to be my time, i am stuck with someone else’s children. She gets her time off but i don’t… i can’t help but feel really bitter and resentful. not at the children but at the situation.
Sometimes, i feel like just leaving the house every friday before they turn up in the evenings and come back on sunday evening when they are gone. but then the house is a disaster, i mean legit upside down (curtains pulled off etc), dishes undone for 3 days which i was to do, i have to change my bed sheets and my child’s bedsheets at the kids have slept in them, peed in them etc. it’s just too much. I really regret marrying a man with 4 children. I wish i found someone with only one or two children.

Erm, doesn't everyone with kids parent every weekend? Maybe it's the injustice of balance that's getting to you? How about one in every 4 weekends you get to keep your 1 and she gets to keep her 4? I bet your ex would like a kid free weekend once in a while.

He moved in with you !!

Hopefully this is a short marriage and you can kick him out again, while retaining your home.

What possessed you to marry again? Your poor dd.

OP I feel your distress but I think you primarily have a DH problem not necessarily a DSC problem

So many questions!

How old are the kids?

How long has this arrangement been going on for?

Do you work too?

When do you actually see your husband?

What is the point?

Unless you live far away from his ex wife then every weekend seems a strange setup. His ex would never really get time to enjoy the children on the weekend or do something social with them. But then neither does your husband. When does he see his children? Why is he seemingly ok with not spending any time with them? His job doesn’t fit with his family commitments so he needs to change it. End of. What would happen if you upped and left? Why can’t that happen now? And again, what are you actually gaining from this relationship? Life’s too short, leave.

Why can’t they go back to court and agree a new set of contact rules. Dad works 12 hour shifts on weekends and cannot parent them. What does the BM do for a living? Why would she not want to see them on the weekend, presumably they’re at school all week. NRTFT how old are they?

it is very high and more than what the court would agree on. he pays her this to compensate for not being able to look after them, despite them being at ours every single half term (the entire week) and every weekend. it is incredibly unfair, everyone is just siding with the ex and somehow im the bad guy? she gets her full money + extra, with that extra money she should arrange childcare.

I gave solutions too. It was a bonus bit of help.

Two things stand out to me

1- most Mums dont get time to themselves as they the Dads are either absent or living in the same house

2- usually tbe point of children going to the non-residents parents house is to spend time with them and not to give the resident parent time off.

I think you need to tell both of them you are unavailable and go out and turn your phone off. After a few occasions of them being dropped at the restaurant and your husband having to close it I am sure things will change.

Does he.work 12 hours 7 days a week? It sounds like custody arrangements need to be changed or made more formal

Either he is lying about how much he pays or he's got a monthly income of £20k if he's paying CMS minimum. If he's earning a lot less than then it's some private arrangement and not one arranged and agreed through the courts.

On that amount of income he was in a flat share and now can't either hire some additional staff or a nanny or some sort of domestic staff? Come off it. If any of this is true he's a shit dad, crap man and terrible husband who married you for free domestic services with the bonus of a shag. He's willing to leave his four kids with an alcoholic ex who doesn't meet their needs?

You have a DP problem
why haven’t you reported to social services if she’s an alcoholic who can’t meet the basic care needs of her children?

In my opinion, the three of you should be thoroughly ashamed of yourselves. Obviously, more so the parents than you, but you are playing a part here.

These children are being neglected and abused by being left with an alcoholic mother who either can't or doesn't care for them to even a basic standard. They are neglected, unwashed and completely feral. What do you think their future holds if someone doesn't start looking after their physical and emotional well-being properly?

Then they are being neglected at weekends by a shit father who can't be bothered to remove them from their awful living situation but also has actively chosen a job that means he never has to see his children at all because he's found himself another woman/ complete mug to remove his responsibilities from him.

And then there's you. It doesn't sound as though you've done anything useful for these poor kids. Why have you not spoken to the safeguarding lead at their school to tell them the children are being physically and emotionally neglected by their alcoholic mother and completely absent father? Or gone to social services to talk to them about what needs to be done to rescue these children?

All you seem to do is complain about the fact that their mother is getting time off. You don't apportion the slightest blame to their appalling father, who knows perfectly well what's going on during the week but doesn't lift a finger to do anything about it. Neither does he bother to see them at the weekends.

For goodness sake, step up and be a decent human being. By all means, leave your husband as soon as possible. If not for your sake, then do it for your poor child's sake. They don't deserve to have been thrust into the middle of this complete shitshow.

But if you have an ounce of compassion and decency left in you, stop in at social services and the children's school as you leave and make sure they know these children are being abused and neglected by both their parents.

Then run a mile and do better by yourself and your own child in the future.

You tell him to move out - problem solved. If she dumps the kids on you call social services.

also “brang” is not a word. You mean brought.

So the solution is for him to reduce his working days/hours clearly or are you saying he should have no contact with his children?

His ex has them 5 days a week, he has them two. And it sounds like for a while he wasn’t seeing them at all when he was in the flatshare. So maybe this is her doing “payback” for all the consecutive weekends she did by herself without his support

If he wants more of a mix of weekends “off” from the children, then he and Op need to step up and do some week days.

Either way he needs to work less.

I agree with pp that none of the 3 adults have covered themselves in glory. What a mess.

Yeah I also see it as DH issue, not their mother’s. He has to find enough cover so that he can take time off on the weekends or pay for a nanny (probably 2 for 4 kids) to take care of them. He has a sweet deal with you looking after the kids and him living in your house.
don’t have more kids with this man!

Why are you being such a fucking mug?

Why are you so passive? You are talking as if you have no say whatsoever. Like it has just all happened around you.

Your husband needs to get a new job, Monday to Friday so he'll be able to look after his kids at the weekend. Shared parenting just doesn't work with a 7 day a week job.

You say she's an alcoholic who neglects the children - arriving unwashed in dirty clothes, not contactable all weekend - so he should really be looking for custody of his children, rather than leaving them with their mother.

You sound like you really dislike the children, so I think you should leave him. Hopefully he'll step up and parent his kids.

Why have you create a new user name midway through the thread?

Your husband should be looking after his own children. Their mother has them 5 days a week and he has them for 2 so yes, she is entitled to have a break. It's not her fault your husband is a useless father and doesn't look after his own children. Stop doing it and tell him to step up!

Seems sensible.

They won’t be this age forever,OP.
They seem to have quite a raw deal.
You at least had some say in what has happened.
But if you take a different mind set on and see this as your way of turning around their challenging lives to a more positive way of living, maybe you would enjoy it a little more.
Maybe they need weekend structure and routine.
Is there anything that you do with them that is enjoyable and not tiresome.
Build on all the small victories.
Could your DH make all their meals for the weekend and bring cooked food to you?

This. Why is he not looking to change his work/hours and going for majority custody?

Why should she have to do any of that?

It’s the age old ‘I can’t leave, what would they do without me’ then you leave and magically, they all find a way. You’re being used and abused. Maybe the kids can go into foster care as a last resort and everyone will have a kick up the ass. My mum was an alcoholic and my dad had sole custody of us, we looked after ourselves as that’s what you do with a mum like that, you learn to fend for yourself and make yourself as small as possible. Unfortunately, on weekends they’ve got skivvy (you) to run around after them and they use and abuse it.

This above all. Why should OP have subjected her child to these five strangers?? (Six if you count the vagaries of the ex)