i can’t do this anymore. step kids are ruining my life.

[stepparent55]

Hi everyone. Just want an opinion and whether to know or not AITA? I know i keep complaining on here about my situation. But this is the only space i have where i can talk openly about my life and what seems unfair. I can’t talk to friends / family as their response is always: you knew what you were getting into. While that may be true I wanted to know your thoughts on how I feel and whether this makes me a terrible person.
Do I have a right to think it’s completely unfair that I have to look after my husband 4 children from a prev marriage every weekend? My child goes to their dad every weekend. And what should be time to myself to reset and rest, instead becomes increasingly harder and I end up dreading every weekend. It seems unfair that on weekends my child’s going to her dad, and another woman’s children (4) come to me and I have to look after them so she can get free time off? Even when my partner does help out with his own children, I am still left cleaning up the house after them, cooking, buying groceries, washing their clothes, drying their clothes, bathing them and making sure they don’t get hurt the weekend when they are in my care.
Is it wrong of me to feel like this is an unfair trade? on weekends, what is supposed to be my time, i am stuck with someone else’s children. She gets her time off but i don’t… i can’t help but feel really bitter and resentful. not at the children but at the situation.
Sometimes, i feel like just leaving the house every friday before they turn up in the evenings and come back on sunday evening when they are gone. but then the house is a disaster, i mean legit upside down (curtains pulled off etc), dishes undone for 3 days which i was to do, i have to change my bed sheets and my child’s bedsheets at the kids have slept in them, peed in them etc. it’s just too much. I really regret marrying a man with 4 children. I wish i found someone with only one or two children.

I don't think that gramnar is the main issue here, do you?

I mean, as a parent you don’t really get a day off anyway. You only got that because you got divorced. You’re married again now.. if you and DP had any children together that’s your precious time to yourself gone again regardless - who are you blaming then?

Tell DH to help more, and suck it up basically.

Jesus OP your taste in men is disastrous

You do understand that you are also that mother who’s sending her kid to their dad on a weekend? All she’s doing is the exact same thing YOU do with your own child

Well yes quite. Sounds like you need to be calling social services.

You brought a man with 4 children into your childs home, and then married him, therefore giving him rights to your home?

Awful behaviour.
Your poor child.
What an utter shit show of a childhood.

I'm going to disagree with everyone else and say both the DH and the ex wife are at fault here.

It's much harder work (in my view) to parent 4 young kids over the weekend than during the week when they are at school much of the day. Especially if the kids are a bit feral.

Mum and Dad should be doing alternate weekends. Plus some time each during the week.

Poor kids, but it's not OP's responsibility to parent 4 of them alone all weekend every weekend.

I don't think anyone here can give you a magic solution OP. I think I would leave.

If she were that bad abd they were neglected and unwashed surely SS would be involved?!

Yeah it is incredible how these too busy to see kids men manage to find new partners.

It sounds like is hiding from his kids tbh and also this lack of rest could backfire and he could wind up unwell.

He needs to take at least one day off a week. Preferably two.

I don’t disagree that it seems, given his business he needs to work weekends. He has a couple of options. 1) You have the kids weekdays instead and he doesn’t work those days. 2) He doesn’t work weekends and either hires someone to work those days or legally pays her less maintenance as his income will drop. 3) you change when your ex has daughter so you can spend decent time with her at the weekend as a family (I suggest option 2 alongside this). 4) Leave.

How sad that none of these poor children’s parents want to see them on weekends (other than your ex, apparently). Surely you share the weekday and weekend time so everyone gets the best time with their kids. You’re not ingratiating yourself by your attitude to your own daughter, let alone your step kids.

He IS the sort of man who never sees his kids!

Either leave him completely, or go away every weekend, he'll have to find a way to make it work then. He'll have to rearrange his schedule or hire a nanny

So he doesnt see his children at all then? Hes just using the 'every weekend' to reduce his child support while not spending any time with them whatsoever?

Your husband is responsible for his children regardless of his working hours. If you don't want to help him on his contact time, he needs to source alternative childcare.

If their mum is an alcoholic and they are dirty then he needs to pull his finger out and have them more, not less. Honestly, your 'free time' is the least concerning thing here. If you are unhappy, discuss it with your partner. You're an adult and have control over whether you stay in your relationship or leave. The children have no say in any of this.

(Also, why do you see your child's time with her dad as your 'free time' when you're supposed to relax... contact time is for the child, not to give either parent a break. It's a really weird way to look at it.)

I really don't understand what you're looking for from this thread other than for everyone to say "yeah you're right, OP your DH's Ex is a selfish bitch!" Even if she is, what difference does that make to you? You can hate her all you want, OP but will it make your life any less shit?

When you chose to marry this man you commited to his children, and by extension their Mum, being a part of your life. They aren't going to change or disappear.

Your DH has 4 children and works 12 hour days, 7 days a week. The Maths here simply does not add up, which is why no woman with children would have the choice to work those hours. If he hadn't married you he would have two choices, either reduce his working hours (even if that means a change of career) or pay for childcare. The reason literally every single person on this thread agrees that you have 'a DH problem' is because he thinks it's acceptable to leave you in the shit instead of doing either of those things.

If you're unhappy with your life then instead of posting endless threads on MN complaining about your step-children (who, unlike you, had no say in any of this) you need to do something about it. Either tell your DH you're no longer willing to do his job as a parent for him so he needs to find an alternative, or leave him.

But you’re a two parent family, why do you need a weekend off? I have a child with my husband and we have him 24/7.. because that’s how it works! Is their mum single? If so, she does it all week on her own.
Your DH needs to help out more though.

OP - I think all your principle have got really messed up here, and I would take two immediate steps.

I dont think spending every weekend apart from your own DC is a good set up for your relationship with them. I think it’s even more disastrous if you spend those weekends with other kids. Fix this immediately before your DC are really wounded. I would speak their dad and agree that you have your own DC at least every other weekend.

Kick your boyfriend out and tell him you no longer want anything to do with him his kids or his ex. It doesn’t sound like you have a good relationship with the step kids and even if he’s the best thing since sliced bread you need to focus on your own life and happiness and FFS prioritise your DC.

Good luck extricating yourself from this mess.

You are not tied to this man, you do not have kids with him. It would be easy to just split from him and take yourself out of this position. It will not get any better. I would just split from him and in the future do not marry anyone with kids or more than one, as it is a lot of work. You will only resent this guy and his kids if you stay.

Then leave!

Where were you before? Or is it your house?

Does he not have staff?! Why does he have to pay so much in child support (indicating he has a significant income) but can't afford to pay a chef or manager to cover him at weekends so he can care for his children?
Either the business isn't making much money in which case he needs to have a reconsideration of the CM he pays, or it is and he has to pay someone to cover when he needs to have his kids.

If they are genuinely with a neglectful parent who struggles with them I would advise they stay with you Mon-Fri when you have your child there and then both sets of children go to the other parents for the weekend.
That way the children who need have more care, structure and routine stay with the people who can give it.
The child support would decrease as they would be with you more, the children healthier and happier, and you would have your ‘downtime’.
Only you know if your description of their mum is accurate but if it is and I was in your shoes, I wouldn’t be sending 4 children who I cared about to live with someone who is struggling with addiction etc

Surely, social service are involved if the mother is an alcoholic (nice drip feed by the way) who is neglecting the DC (also nice drip). What I can't understand: why is DH not having full time custody of his DC given the mother is so unwell and cannot look after them. It would also mean he wouldn't have to pay 2k in maintenance and could work more normal hours and be much more involved in their upbringing.

You clearly have strong dislike towards the ex but that is misplaced. You shouldn't be parenting the children but on the other hand, he had 4 DC. what did you think live would look like???

That's not neccessarily the case. OP says her child has one overnight per weekend with her ex. Presumably this is for her child to maintain a relationship with his/her father, which is reasonable.

If you were single you would get the weekends off just like her. You seem to resent their mother when she is doing the bulk of the parenting and her ex partner isn't. She has to look after 4 children for 5 days every week I presume solo. Least he can do is have his own children at the weekend. Your resentment is misplaced. Your husband needs to step up.