Would this have bothered you

[leopardprintisnotaneautral]

DC is in small class under 20 kids.

Year 3.

Tonight 5 people from their class turned up trick or treating at our house. All same gender and over half of that gender that are in his class.

Two are very good friends with DC, do after school clubs together, playdates etc. only one with one of the four parents of these two (iyswim) were present, it was the Mum, she's never actually been to our house (knows full well which village we live in) the Dad does the play dates Mum has a super full on job but we have both been to their's - we get on very well as couples with both families. One doesn't live in our village. The other child used to live in our village but they have moved just outside, their parents weren't there.

Three others live our village DC is friends with one, and friendly with the other two but not very close - they are super, super sporty, DC is into sports but two very niche ones for younger junior kids and they aren't the be all and end all but not be all and end all like two of these. One can be a bit mean but they all rub along. I know two of these parents very well socially outside of the village and the kids. One can be a bit of a bitch. One is fine.

Children 1&2 I had 0 idea were friends with (in fact I am pretty sure there was friction at some point) with 3&4, parents certainly don't socialise. Poles apart.

1 and 5 friends pre dating school.

The school together with the tennis club normally put on a brilliant Halloween party but DC adamant out of leftfield wanted to go trick or treating at the last minute yesterday. Checked in with some neighbours who always go to see if we could tag along - it's not something we've done before

DH went I stayed in doling out sweets. And it really really pissed me off when these 5 turned up at the door. With 4 out 10 parents - 3 of whom know full it's our house.

Turns out the kids have all been taking about it between themselves and 'it's been arranged on the what'sapp but not the school one DC' told me. So DC knew, that's why they wanted to go out. But they've clearly been left out of this little gathering haven't they.

AIBU to think A this is shit but B it's outrageous for them to have the cheek to turn up at our house wanting sweets. One of the Mum's was even like 'oh where's Leopard's child are they in or are they trick or treating' whilst trying to crane their bloody neck into my hallway.

No it wouldn't bother me and yes you are overthinking it OP. Definitely wouldn't expect parents to boycott our house because DC wasn't invited - TBH that wouldn't occur to me. Maybe your DS just wanted to go out trick or treating because everyone else was? Maybe next year ask parents of one or more of his friends if they want to get together as that is obviously something you want to do.

I used to just take DC to a handful of neighbours and, frankly, that was enough

Your DH is right, you are massively over thinking it.

Parents who plan these things can’t invite everyone to everything because it would be logistically impossible. You especially can’t expect invitations from people you call a bitch.

You can be disappointed your dd wasn’t invited, but if you didn’t plan anything then you can complain when others do. It is weird that you would complain that they came to your house when you were obviously open for trick or treating.

I did wonder from the use of ‘gender’ rather than sex & the way the OP flips between using ‘he’ & ‘they’ for her child whether there was something more going on there.

But I’d guess it’s just that they’re all boys & the OP might have been less upset if it was a mixed-sex group coming to her house.

The old saying 'you need to get a life' comes to mind @leopardprintisnotaneautral

I understand why you were a little miffed but luckily your DC seems pretty sensible and managed to make sure he/she was out to ensure there wasn't a tricksy situation.

Parents (especially mums) get so over invested in their kids social lives.

Yabu.

So out of the 5, only 2 are really good friends with your DC. Could it be one of the other 3 organised it and therefore it wasn't on the 2 your DC is friends with to then invite extra people.

Also if that bothered about whether your DC went out with friends, why didn't you ask around if anyone wanted to do it as a group?
Sounds like your DC went with their dad and was happy enough with this.

I think you are dramatising this. I am not sure why you wouldn't want known kids at your door. My daughter has classmates living near by, she went to them and they came to us. She didn't at any point expect to go with them and just spoke to them briefly at the door.

Sounds like it is you who feels you missed out.

YABU, maybe these kids always go trick or treating together? Maybe their parents are more friendly with each other than they are with you and coordinated to arrange it? Maybe the kids didn’t think to include yours because the past 4 years they haven’t been available anyway because they normally go to a Halloween party instead? Whatever the situation, they did nothing wrong knocking at your door.

I think the way you wrote your post was hyperbolic, so for that I think you’re being a bit ridiculous. But the point I think you are making is your child was left out? We had similar last night and I felt the same. Really sad for a laughing and smiling group of my son’s friends, including his bestie, to turn up at the door requesting sweets and my son wasn’t with them.

I tried to work out why no invitation had been extended in his direction by chatting to DS and got nowhere. So no idea, but mental note to self that next year I’m going to ask him to specifically ask his mates what they are doing for Halloween and he might actually then end up being with them.

That some kids came trick or treating? No, wouldn’t bother me at all

Op, you're going to have an unhappy life if you get this wound up every time your DC isn't invited to something.

I can sympathize with feeling like your child is left out of something. But it happens and how you process it is going to be witnessed by your child. I think putting on a slightly thicker skin around this kind of event is going to help both of you because this is not going to be the last time this sort of thing happens. You can't force or insist on being invited to everything and you can't take umbrage when you're not. You need to shrug and say "that's ok we'll do it a different way, or with other people" and keep moving forward.

Jeeeeeeez such a complicated post to follow 😅 If I get this right, you're upset your child was left out of sth some of his classmates did together. That's understandable, but it doesn't mean it was done with malice. Also, is your child upset about this? Maybe try and organise sth with classmates (bonfire night, Christmas activity...) next time?

Christ, I feel dizzy after reading that

Apologies for the convoluted post, I have however seen posts get picked apart and respondents wanting all the detail and dynamics to form an opinion.

Hey, I know it’s horrible when you think your child has been left out, but the parents may well have bumped into each other on the way round. If he’s not bothered, try not to be x

A year 3 child is still being supervised by parents so the difficult truth is; you have been left out, not your child. It doesn’t mean anyone dislikes you but you’re obviously on the outer edge of a friendship group and so the invite didn’t extend our far enough to encompass you. My instinct is that some activities happened over half term that got the kids and adults together and that’s when these plans were made.

You are massively overreacting.

OP this would have devastated me if it had happened my first born. Four kids later and it wouldn't cost me a second thought. These things will happen, and they'll happen again. One day your kid might be the one leaving someone else out and you won't even realise it. We as parents can't police who they are friends with and who is invited, as PP have said it would be a logistical nightmare to invite the whole class. It could be something simple as the parents are better friends, or they live closer etc.

I think you need to chill out OP. It would have been nice for DS to be invited but not everyone gets invited to everything.

We bumped into quite a few little sub groups of my child's friends out trick or treating, it didn't for one second make me annoyed!

And I know not everyone has to be invited to everything it was the turning up at the house asking if DC was in it felt mean/pointed.

@holachicatita two of them line round the corner. That's why it felt mean.

But the fact that they knocked showed their intent was not ‘mean’! If they’d been deliberately ostracising you or your child they would have avoided your house 🤦🏻‍♀️

But you didn't say to them either about doing anything. How are they supposed to know you are sat waiting for an invite?
You say your child normally goes to a Halloween party but changed their mind last minute. Maybe the other kids know that's what they normally do so didn't consider they would be available. When your child changed their mind why didn't you message the parents that live in the same village and say to them DC has decided to miss the Halloween party this year and would like to go trick or treating, wondered whether you were around to go together?