To ask if you would agree with a law forcing absent parents to step up?

[LisaSimpsonsHamster]

I was reading a post on another group and wondering what other people thought. Should there be laws forcing absent fathers to step up and parent their children? (I’m more referring to absent fathers who have multiple children with the same person/ planned children rather than ONS where father disappears completely before the child is born but can include those if you want) but the post I seen was referring to the former type. I don’t mean financially but should they actually be forced to be a parent? Aibu to say I can’t see how this would work out and I don’t think it’s beneficial for the children which is why there isn’t a law forcing this but people were arguing that they have been forced to be a full time parent.

And I understand where you're coming from with this.
When I first became a solo parent I was so mad that he got to just opt out. He wanted to start going out so he did, and I was left doing it all. I would have very happily given up any amount of money from him for him to have taken some of the burden and so I could get some sleep and rest.

And someone like my ex H would have stepped up if he had been accountable to someone in an authority figure. If it had reflected badly on him at work etc he would have dine 50/50 just to make himself look good.

As no one gave a shit though and he was never asked why he didn't bother, he didn't care. He just told people I made it too hard and everyone just nodded and believed him. Had it been made into an official document or something others could see and shame him for, someone impartial assessing him doing nothing, he'd have hated that and would have done 50/50

I bet a lot of men would do more if it was made public knowledge and the mum wasn't the one being made to look controlling or 'being difficult'

It always shocks me on here how much some women judge others who they deem to have been "feckless" with who they have as a partner and co-parent.

A lady I know got married and everything was lovely. Then she fell pregnant (planned) and her husband turned abusive. Apparently, this is not an unusual thing to happen (men turning abusive once their partner is pregnant). How can woman predict that?

People also lie and cheat, sometimes after years and years of everything being fine.
But it seems women are expected to have a crystal ball, and know that they will be a single parent 8 years after having a baby. Saw one woman be berated on here for just that. She should "have picked better".

No. An unwilling male parent could be a danger to their child.

It needs to become not socially acceptable for a man not to parent. An uncomfortable truth is that it can suit future partners if a father is not involved with his children or is a 'every other weekend father as they - and their future children - benefit from more attention and time for their children ( although often the pattern repeats)

No but there should be a law that would make parents who never see their children contribute a much bigger child maintenance . You cannot make someone be a parent but you sure as hell should be able to make them pay financially. The U.K. is absolutely ridiculous. I should add I say this as a solicitor of ho see all sorts of excuses and ways man make to nit pay child maintenance or pay a pittance .
People who don’t pay should have their wages garnished, if they have no wages they should have their savings and property garnished. No excuses

Unwilling parents who were able to abandon their children would simply abuse, neglect or otherwise psychologically damage a child.

You can't force an emotional relationship.
Statement of the blindingly obvious

Thank you, I’m glad someone can understand where I’m coming from, no amount of money could make up for the resentment I feel.

No. My donor deserted us. I refused to put his name on the BC as I didn't want him to have anything to do with her in later life. A bit of maintenance would have been nice, but, because she had problems at school, I couldn't have a job, and they would have just taken it back off any benefits.
I can think of nothing worse than any absent parent being forced to parent a child they're clearly not interested in

Maintenace isn't included in benefit calculations

No there should not (especially when they were clear about not wanting the child from before the child even arrived).

Financial support is all.

Child maintenance is disregarded for benefits. Your child's father could have been giving you £10k a month and you could still claim.

Oh. 😮 Nearly 38 years ago, I was told it was, and thought that ever since! Thank you
Bit late now, isn't it 🤔

Absolutely not

We dont know how many women are saving their kids from terrible men by not chasing their bio dads

Things are fine. Maybe it should be easier for the resident parent to claim child support but thats it

Yes it was taken out of benefits back then so that is actually correct

This .

Oh trust me, I get where you're coming from. I used to get so resentful.

And then I made the choice to stop thinking that way. My DC are amazing and that's down to me and only me. When I'm old and decrepit I know they'll look after me. Their dad, not so much. He's lost out on a relationship with the most amazing people I've ever known. Every time he didn't turn up to see them was bonus time that I got to spend with them.

Its not easy, but my MH improved so much when I flipped my thinking.

Its not a good idea for the reasons given.

But also how would this work for those mothers that actively prevent the father from being part of the children's life?

YABU because laws have to be enforceable. Who is going to enforce your proposed new law? How? What is a useful and enforceable standard of “stepping up”? It could be, for example: you must have your kids 3 nights a week minimum. Plenty of parents could meet that standard while still neglecting the child. In those scenarios it would be harmful for the child.

But fathers should take financial responsibility for their children.

No, my eldest 2s father was a narcissist and he could be pretty mean to eldest especially after a drink. He had alcohol issues too. I did try to push to stay in contact for kids sake but he always used communication as a way to verbally attack me. Over the years of odd bits of contact (normally he would parade them to new part ers for a couple of months) and the nasty verbal attacks against me the kids learned he wasn't a person they wanted in their lives. We are living a far happier life now.

I'm sure a child would rather a absent parent than one that's around but hates and resents them

I don't disagree with your basic stance. I'd have loved 50/50 when ex upped and left for ow. Was never ever raised as an option and I was too stunned to really do anything but I look back now and wish I'd asked what plans he had for driving 100 miles 2/3 days a week for the school run. You seem very annoyed that people aren't talking about what you want but there's nothing else to say...it is absolutely not in the child's interest to somehow force an unwilling parent to "step up" in order to give the other a break. I've relied on my parents and siblings and made use of the limited contact he does have. As others have said, if maintenance was better, you could afford paid childcare. In the end the system is about the child, not the parents.

I saw a post be a youngish man on IG proposing automatic salary deductions for 18 years equal to 50% of the cost of raising a child. And prison for up to 18 years too. It was a bit more detailed but I thought it had some merit in terms of making a point. Raising a child is an 18 year term for most mothers.

Haven't read the full thread, but I suspect someone must have mentioned this. There will probably be a lot of women who would not want to have contact with their ex partners, so if fathers are forced to "step-up" then the mothers will be forced to maintain contact. If fathers have been abusive to the mothers then forcing them to "step up" could cause resentment and lead to abusive behaviour towards the children. I think in theory it sounds like a good idea, but in practice it's a car-crash waiting to happen.