To ask if you would agree with a law forcing absent parents to step up?

[LisaSimpsonsHamster]

I was reading a post on another group and wondering what other people thought. Should there be laws forcing absent fathers to step up and parent their children? (I’m more referring to absent fathers who have multiple children with the same person/ planned children rather than ONS where father disappears completely before the child is born but can include those if you want) but the post I seen was referring to the former type. I don’t mean financially but should they actually be forced to be a parent? Aibu to say I can’t see how this would work out and I don’t think it’s beneficial for the children which is why there isn’t a law forcing this but people were arguing that they have been forced to be a full time parent.

Thing is it needs to be about maintenance. Forcing a father to have contact with a child he is unwilling or incapable of parenting is damaging to the child.

Maintenance (or lack thereof) however is a serious drain on the taxpayer.

Not according to the mums that were commenting, they were very angry that maintenance was seen as a substitution for a father and said it’s insulting. that what they want is an “actual break”

A terrible idea. You can't force someone to be a parent. That is in no way in the best interests of the child, which should be the priority.

I know the focus is on the fathers here, but imagine a women giving birth to a child who she does not know who the father is, or he has just vanished altogether. She wants to put the kid up for adoption. She gets told no... she has to parent that child. There would be an uproar.

I think a lot of mums forget this, they said they are forced to be parents but actually no one is forced.

Definitely not. Any parent who is absent (ie hasn't made the effort to see their child regularly when the courts will support them) can't be bothered.

Which also means they won't be bothered to feed their dcs a healthy diet or look after them properly, or ensure they are in school, or provide them with a clean & safe home environment, putting those children at risk of harm.

Absentee parents should be forced to step up financially - the CMS needs a boot up the bum, and a lot more teeth - but children are safer and better cared for away from bad parents.

If they're mentally well and physically able to then yes they should look after their own blood.

How can you force someone to look after and parent a child?
Kids get removed from people who can't look after them properly.
How would this be in the best interests of the kid?
Are you providing a good home for that kid, or punishing their dad (or mum)?

No it doesn't it make women responsible for sticking their head in the sand and getting pregnant to a useless person

Men are responsible for being useless women are responsible for ignoring it, but no one these days thinks about the children they create it is all 'it is my right to have baby'

I think they're more than capable of looking after their children but choose not to...but once they know by law they have no other choice I believe many men will step up or think twice before getting someone pregnant. I also would like to add in these circumstances regular checks should be made for the welfare of the child, the dads should get support in looking after their children too. I just think it's a better idea of kids being with their father rather then nurseries and with childminders, which itself is a financial drain.

That is still forcing someone to look after a child. It does not matter if you think they can manage it.
How is this fair on the kid? Children are not like plants. You don't just feed and water them, and let them get on with it. They need love, attention, nurturing, mentoring etc.

So who is going to pay for all this and you dont think men and woman should work so who pays for the kids?

So you are talking 50/50 care or the kids live with the father, and mothers would just happily go along with this

None of it makes any sense

When did I say men & women shouldn't work,

Well if a child is in a nursery it is sometimes because a mother works so if you want the dad to be the replacement nursery what about his job?

Looking at this dispassionately, some people aren't fit to parent. They find it difficult to put their own selfish wants aside and to centre their children's needs. And a larger proportion of these people are men than are women.

I suspect uninvolved parents fall into two categories - there are those who are too lazy to do their share when there is someone else who will pick up their slack but do love and want a good life for their kids so will step in if forced to, and there are those who won't do their share even if there isn't anyone who will do it for them, but are happy to let their children suffer rather than step up.

Your plan might help with the first group but not the second. Not only will the second group never add anything to their children's lives but they often create work, divert attention away from their children and create stress and tension in their children's lives. Their children are often poorer for having them around. Where a mother is a barely adequate parent herself, often a stressful and abusive relationship is what pushes her over the edge into becoming inadequate. Men like these are parasites and no one, especially not children, should have to endure them. It might be galling that no demands are made of this group but it's because they are so useless and toxic that actually they're best kept at arms-length.

I'm sure arrangements can be made...stop thinking too deep ...it's all talk nothing like this is likely to happen anyway....if by miracle it does then need to work around it I guess.

If the father was being forced to pay properly to include at least 50% of childcare costs then you could argue that mum would be able to afford to take some time for a break whilst the children are in childcare

The best thing my child’s bio dad did for them was to disappear out of their life for years,from when they were a tiny baby. My now DH chose to be in their lives and be their parent, he was able to put their needs first in a way their bio dad wasn’t able to do. Being a parent is not all about biology.

Should it be socially acceptable for dads to be able to walk away from their kids? No it shouldn’t be, men who do this should be judged as a mum would be if she abandoned her children.
The dad’s family and friends should think less of him, new potential partners should think twice about getting involved with a man who has already walked away from his kid(s).
if the dad tried the “ I do want to be involved with my kid(s) but my horrible bitch of an ex stops me” nonsense then he should be called out on it, and not treated like he’s some hard done by hero for paying the minimum maintenance he can get away with.

I think they were more talking about overnight breaks or weekends. I don’t think that could ever really substitute that but that’s of course just my opinion! I know I’d rather choose 50/50 contact than maintenance but each to their own.

I think they want the father of their kids to step up the one who actually created the child as well not to stick their kids in childcare.

No but they should be equally responsible if their children suffer neglect

My ex husband hasn’t seen our 3 young children in months….i am one of the few that was married over ten years together nearly 20 years …children all planned and no red flags bar the usual niggles of washing not done or clothes on floor.

i don’t want a law forcing him to parent. He made it clear when he left he was leaving because he didn’t want to parent anymore. I want him to have a relationship with his children based on genuine love and desire to spend time with them not one based on a legal minimum requirement

i don’t need a break from my kids. I didn’t have kids to only see them 50% of their lives. I’d rather have no CMS (I don’t get any anyway) and zero break.

if anything I’d rather there be a law where a mother can take the father to court to have his parental responsibility rights removed more easily. My ex husband clearly doesn’t want to see is children or pay for them so he should have any residual “rights” removed - I don’t want to have to ask his permission to take them on bloody holiday!

Certainly in the case of drug/alcohol use or criminal behavior; no. Add in those who are physically mentally emotionally and financially abusive; no.
Those parents who are no contact obviously are that way as they are incapable of being decent enough humans they shouldn’t be around children.

They are linked. Being a parent means supporting your child and that includes financially. There's a lack of accountability and responsibility with absentee fathers. Why should the society pick up the cost for these feckless men?

A parent not parenting properly/abandoning their child is damaging so we shouldn’t be forcing them to have contact. And we need to stamp out the narrative that mothers who enforce healthy boundaries are protecting their child not being mean to a reckless father. Pure misogynistic ideas.

We need a better maintenance system where a decent amount is enforced and not to be made to feel greedy for expecting maintenance.

Financially - yes

Childcare - absolutely categorically NO