Only children

[Ungap11]

Are there any positives? I’m struggling with the fact we will only ever have our son. He’s four and I hate that he’s not having the experiences I had with my sister growing up. What can I do to make his life full? Will he grow up and feel lonely? I can’t stop thinking about it all

I am probably sticking at one, and I'm the youngest of four.

Whilst I'm close to one sister, frankly being one of four was a drag. I remember plenty of rows with teenagers when I was a young child, and there was very rarely much focus on me as an individual - either personal focus, material things, time or money.

I also had to live with rules made up for my much rowdier older siblings - which weren't fair because I wasn't a wild child that needed containing!

If we didn't live so remotely, I'd have said my best years were when they'd all moved out!

My brother lives 10m away and I haven't seen him in over a year.

We wanted a second and tried IVF to have one but it didn't work. At the time I was upset but now I am glad. It has become clear that DS is profoundly dyslexic and after 6 years in mainstream school with regular 1:1 support he cannot spell at all. He also has significant issues with working memory and problem solving.

We have realised that he needs a secondary school that specialises in dyslexia and there aren't any state schools that offer that. Thankfully because he is an only child we can afford to send him to one of the best specialist schools in the country when he turns 11.

OP I could have written your post apart from my ds is 2. I feel upset some days that we won't have another one and he won't have a sibling. Reading all these messages on here have really helped. Lets focus on the positives!!

DP is an only child and I am - hand on heart - incredibly envious of him for this. He has a quiet self-confidence that only comes from being your parents’ sole focus and having your passions and interests fully supported/validated throughout your life. He also has the best relationship with his parents that I have ever seen, and makes friends very easily / is very likeable.

I’m still on the fence about having a baby, but if we go down that route we will definitely stop at one (both my nephews are onlies too). Multiple children just seems bonkers to me 😅

I would prefer not to have experienced my sister growing up - we certainly are not close now

all children miss out on some things. Why he needs to be lonely I don’t understand- he can make his own genuine relationships

if you can’t stop thinking about it that sounds extreme - are you transferring your personal sadness as potentially his ?

rather than trying to find a positive of one, have you ever thought about the negatives of two or more?

I am one of 3 and haven’t spoke to my two siblings in years. Money was always tight as was mum and dad’s time. I never felt like they actually had anytime just for me. I certainly don’t believe they had more children’s so I wouldn’t be lonely I believe they did it for their own wants.
My daughter is our only child out of choice she wants and needs for nothing obviously when she gets older she may disagree.

DH and I both have siblings. We aren’t close to them and one of them causes particular drama.

DD is an only. It’s pros and cons. But the pros are we’ve been able to fund private school (she needs a bit of extra support, so this has been beneficial). She’s also fallen in love with horse riding & we are able to support her expensive passion.

Ignore the absolute stupid trolls on here who are saying that you are being offensive. Your fears are very valid indeed you are allowed to feel worried that your child is an only child. Luckily as people have said before he’s not going to feel any different because he doesn’t have anything to compare it to, but there is an actual difference between being an only child and having siblings.
with siblings, there was always someone to attend your birthday party if nobody else turns up, being taken out on trips by parents on your own entirely different experience than going with siblings and having that chitchat along the way and being with other children playing with them at home being naughty and living with other children is different than experiencing life on their own / without siblings
Visiting family and friends isn’t the same- my child started questioning in this when she was around six and became more aware of her surroundings
because others were fine with being an only child doesn’t mean that you can’t ask this question
Yes there is a bloody difference but it’s not a negative one- just different - and although your child will be absolutely fine and have a good childhood because you’re probably a very good mother it’s definitely not the same as having siblings and don’t let anyone else tell you it isn’t . My child is very sociable and thrives around other children, but she’s quite withdrawn when she’s on her own.
my child is an only child and she has the best of everything that I can give her holidays play dates seeing friends, family and cousins who are like extended siblings but at the end of the day Iwhen it’s me working from home and she’s just in her room on her iPad or watching TV or playing quietly on her own it’s not the same and she often feels lonely because of it. She will come home to an empty house when she’s old enough to come home alone from school and I’m still at work. I read an article in the paper recently from an only child perspective and she did say that was one of the worst things but to be honest, your child will be absolutely fine. Make friends and keep him interested in things. Visit play groups and outside classes

I was an only child and my mum forcing friendships onto me had a MUCH more damaging effect than being an only child and the absence of siblings ever did

I realise now that my childhood was unhappy but NOT because I was an only child it was 100% because I had immature parents

I’m the daughter of an only child, the mother of an only child and I’m an only child. It’s fine.

My DS is doing just fine and is now a sociable and happy teenager.
In contrast, my only sister and I have pretty much no contact these days - she made my childhood hell and is a self-centered and demanding adult.
Not all only children are lonely, and not all siblings get on.

I have one teen dd and love it! She does too and apart from once when she was 4 has never asked for a sibling. She tells us she loves being an only child.

she has lots of friends and cousins. Plays sport at a high level that we can facilitate in time and money. She’s just back from a training camp abroad and my dh was able to go as a part chaperone (he’s also involved in the sport). This would’ve been tricky with more than one dc.

we are fortunate to not have money worries and we love to travel. We have 6 holidays a year , mix of us three, extended family, my friends and their dc and past two years I’ve taken her and her bf abroad for a girls trip.

I think that I’m a very good, patient and loving mother to her. She’s a great girl who honestly has never given us any bother- other than the usual parent/ teen worries.

we have money to help her through uni, house deposit etc. dh and I have both been able to advance in our careers and the past 5 years I e been part time.

Another 'only with an only' checking in. I enjoyed finding my own tribe in the many activities that I went off to (and which of course my parents could afford more easily with it being just me), and my son (now 14) seems to be doing the same. He enjoys Scouts, and another intensive hobby activitiy which takes him off on camps/ all day holiday workshops. Other families like having him over because he gets on well with everyone (then comes home and enjoys the peace & quiet), and I make sure that our house is welcoming to all his school friends as we obviously have it easier in terms of childcare - I have a mostly term time only job too, which helps. We now also invite one of his friends to join us on holidays so that their siblings can have some undivided parent time. As others have said, our son has the benefit of more of our time/ money than he would have otherwise, so we don't have to think as hard about what we can afford for him.
People do say weird, ignorant and offensive things to parents with only children in the early days, but this fades out after baby/ toddlerhood in my experience.

I believe that one-child families are becoming more usual now, so you can enjoy the greater freedom, flexibility, money, and even the 'saving the planet's resources' aspects of it all.

Finally - I'm sorry you're feeling down about your situation. There's always something to feel guilty about as a parent, but try not to let this be one of them. Get your lovely son signed up to Squirrels (baby Scouts) or kids' drama classes, or children's choir or football - whatever he's into, and he'll get all the friends he needs, then bring him back home to his peaceful house with the undivided love of his mum.

Short answer - fine when DD was younger, less fine as she’s got older.

Fine if you have lots of family and friends, less fine if you don’t (we don’t).

Fine if they have hobbies or activities, less fine if they don’t (DD doesn’t).

Financially she’s fine.

Ds 11 is an only.I couldn't have coped with a baby and a toddler and the risk of Post natal depression again and another horrific birth experience wasn't worth it.

It's absolutely fine. Siblings aren't guaranteed friends, so many don't get on or even bother.

DD11 is an only and often tells us she's so glad she doesn't have any siblings.

DH has a good relationship with his sister, I have no relationship with my siblings. It really can go either way and there's no way of predicting it, but we're totally confident with our decision to be one and done.

We've been able to pour all of our time, resources, affection etc into her. She's confident in her abilities, comfortable spending time alone but a social butterfly in groups and makes friends quickly. She's been able to pursue hobbies and visit places we never would have been able to with more children because of time/cost.

I hate this idea that an only child is a sad lonely lacking childhood. DS is because my body wasn’t able to carry another. I won’t be made to feel guilty and DS in no way whatsoever lacks a socially active childhood. He has 5 boy cousins and many school chums. He also has 2 very loving parents which I think makes him a lucky little boy.

Positives are that we were able to afford life enriching things for DD like private schooling, expensive hobbies etc which we would’ve never been able to do if we had another child. She had a very different upbringing to me and for that I am proud.

Does he have any cousins close in age? DD and my sister’s little boy (2 years younger, also an only child) were like siblings and it certainly filled the gap for her.

I have a seven year old only DD, by choice. It gets so much easier as they grow - I struggled for a long time between the ages of about 4-6 about whether or not to give her a sibling, even tried and miscarried - but ultimately it ended up being a blessing in disguise. Whilst it was horrible and I would never wish it on anyone, It was the wake up call we needed to realise we never actually wanted another baby, at all. We were doing it for the wrong reasons (didn’t want DD to be lonely, societal pressures etc) We are happy, have a great quality of life, have no financial worries, have freedom, have plenty of time to ourselves/one on one with DD/one of one marriage time, little stress… it’s amazing. There is so so much joy in having one. You never know how life will go but I can guarantee I will be much closer to my only DD when she is older than I am to my own mum as I was one of 4.

edited to add she is also very happy, incredibly social, friendly and confident. You will all be ok ❤️

I understand your anxiety but I never understand these threads. A person's experience of an only child is going to be unique to them just as it is with siblings. You get people who hate being only children and people who love it and people that hated when it when they were younger but liked it when they were older and vice versa. Its exactly the same as siblings, not everyone gets on them (myself included).

Unless your child is going to live on a remote island it's highly uhlikely they will be lonely. They'll have friends at school, nursery, work, jobs etc. They might meet a partner, have kids and make lifelong connections through this. People with siblings experience lonlieness too, it isn't some sort of cast iron guarantee they'll be friends and companions.

I must admit I never understand how ONE sibling can possibly allievate lonlieness for a person. If your sibling was your only person in your life, that would be a lonely life indeed. Lonlieness doesn't come from a lack of family, it comes from a lack of friends and connections to others.

What on earth is wrong with a small family Christmas? I find it so infuriating that a small family Christmas is somehow less special or worth less than a massive big family one.

I only ever had my immediate family at Christmas and have always had fantastic Christmas's.

The positives are you’ll be less tired and have more time for your only child. If you aren’t able to have any more there’s nothing you can about it so it’s better to just focus on what you do have.

Exactly. I am an only child, as is my partner. I would like to have a child, but I am on the older side and would likely only have time for one. It worries me so much that my child would have no siblings, no cousins, no uncles or aunties. It doesn't feel right to bring someone into such a lonely set up. It makes me very sad.

Why would your child be lonely? When looking at research and indicators a lack of cousins, aunties and uncles is never mentioned as a contributor to lonlieness. It's lack of friendship and lack of engagement that are the main ones. I don't know any adults who are close to their cousins or prioritise them over their friends. And many people like myself aren't close to our siblings, they don't feature in our lives and aren't lonely.

You seem to have this rather enmeshed view of family from your previous posts where family members would solely rely on each other for support and companionship with no need for anyone else. It isn't a healthy way for a family to be.

Your child would have their own friends and build their own family and close network as they got older, like the vast majority of people. It seems strange you keep saying you want children but then aren't having them based on some hypothetical scenario. You need to own your decision instead of blaming everything on being an only child.