Only children

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Are there any positives? I’m struggling with the fact we will only ever have our son. He’s four and I hate that he’s not having the experiences I had with my sister growing up. What can I do to make his life full? Will he grow up and feel lonely? I can’t stop thinking about it all

I have two boys and the age gap is 4.5 years. This means that they rarely play together, constantly annoy each other and fight like cat and dog.
They are also like chalk and cheese, they don't do the same hobbies, sports, they don't like the same food, they don't even like the same tv shows or characters. They different builds so hand me downs for clothes don't even work. Their feet are completely different so I can't rven hand down trainers. One has very wide feet, one very narrow.
They do love each other though, but I get a lot of maoning daily about each other. We had a huge blow up over a video game yesterday and it took several hours for them to get over it.
Its just not really that enjoyable habing two atm.

I hate the phrase 'only' child, it's nonsense really. I struggle to see many benefits to the child of having more than one, if parents want several thats fine, but it isn't generally as a benefit to the children someone already has

I have two children who don’t speak to each other. It’s like the other one doesn’t exist. It’s always been like that and they are in their teens. No guarantee that siblings will have a good relationship.

I am an only child and can honestly say that the only time I wished I had a sibling was when my Mum died and I had to organise her funeral, clear out her home and then sell it.

I felt it would have been really good to have someone to help me do that but I managed and who knows if I would have had a good relationship with any sibling. Many of the threads on here are about siblings falling out and being unhappy about who does what etc, so perhaps it was easy to do it on my own.

There are lots of single children who love being an only. There's lots of single children who don't. There's lots of people who have siblings who wish they didn't and lots who are glad that they do. All you can do is focus on making the best out of what you have.

I'm an only child and never missed having siblings as a kid - had loads of friends and benefited from being able to do lots of different hobbies and have better holidays than my friends. However as an adult I've found it harder than a lot of my friends to cope with aging parents and bereavements, but that's partly because I also have no cousins or other relatives around my age, and lost all the adults I was close to in my twenties. My advise to parents of only children would be to try and cultivate close relationships with extended family, or friendships that feel like family so your child isn't dealing with grown up stuff by themselves. You can't control what happens in their life, but you can create a support network for them

They can have great lives. Loads of attention, doing all the activities they want. They can become very sociable, making good friends. I look at my niece and think she had a wonderful time. Really close to her parents, extremely well loved. She belongs to a few clubs so is pretty busy. There's no rivalry or stress from that. I know so many families where one sibling is horrible to another. The hurt they can cause is huge.

Only child with 1 DD here. I echo so many of the great and true ponts made by others.
One thing I would like to highlight though is the point about being able to give your only more 'attention' as I think it's easy to skim over that as a given in the list of positives because it seems obvious.

But actually I've come to see how this is such an important one because being able to spend a decent amount of time listening to, and talking with your child every day, really does give them such a strong grounding. My DD (10) is really good at noticing and working through the myriad emotions they go through, because I've had the time and energy to be able to talk through the roller coaster of them with her.

I'm sure parents of multiples do that too, of course, but I know I'd struggle to manage that with several young people, and it would drain my energy so much.

It's ok to be grateful to have a bit left in your tank for yourself too.

These threads are always so offensive

Jesus.

Quality parenting over quantity. My wife was one of three, brought up skint in a divorced family, and literally hates her very competitive adult siblings. I was an only, our son is an only, and frankly I think the benefits can hugely outweigh the cons.

Hey OP, recently one and done following our fourth baby loss in May. We’ve decided to not go again or do IVF as I just can’t face the trauma of another pregnancy turning into a loss. I met with a fab counsellor this week and have a few more sessions booked in as I too am struggling with the anxiety and guilt. She’s helping me reshape my thinking. I’ve had a bad night tonight and not slept a wink, but this post has made me feel immensely better so thank you. I am leaning into the space of only focusing on what we can control, and for me that’s getting my physical and mental health in shape, and just giving our one amazing kiddo an incredible life. Sending love, understanding and support. Xxx

We have one DD and we all love this. All activities and days out only ever needed to be tailored to one age. She’s 13 now and on a two stop European vacation. She’s loved it. She’s had great experiences in her life. Could never afford if had two or more.

we are all close and no sharing our time and attention.

Don’t read them then. It’s a very challenging situation for OP to be in and people are sharing perspectives that help. Yes they’re all largely against multiple kids but OP has literally asked for positive stories - go figure. If it was someone positing about wanting another the masses would come in saying how tragic being an only is and that’s offensive to those who don’t have the choice on the matter.

If you’re more focused on having more than one kid and above all are able to, congratulations. Not everyone wants another kid and many aren’t able to. This clearly isn’t the thread for you, be grateful it’s not a situation you’ve found yourself in and let those that are struggling with their situations find some positives through others.

I wished I was an only child, the relationship I have with my brother is toxic, and my parents' funerals were horrific because of it.

My DS is an only, and he loves that! He's always had a fantastic group of friends, is now at uni. His best friend (who also has no siblings) is like a brother - they've been friends since they were 3, been traveling together, now visit each other at their respective unis etc.

Just make sure that your child has a wide group of people to socialize with and he'll be fine. Having just 1 wasn't my choice, but I'm privileged to have been able to have that one (and that he's so very lovely )

I'm an only child and honestly I love it. I didn't want a sibling as a child and I don't wish I had one as an adult. I had an amazing childhood and am really close with my parents. The stress my friends siblings cause them as adults always makes me relieved I don't have to deal with anything like that.

Yikes! That's one small family xmas. I note you had 2 though.
Also, "cousins" seem to be doing a lot of heavy lifting on this thread which obviously the only children's children won't have any. Mine lived in a different state. And they only have them as their grandparents had more than one child so it's a bit odd to be depending on cousins when your own childrens's children will have none.
And it's only on MN that people go NC with random members of the family regularly. It's not really that common. You may fight with your sibling but in 99% ( at a guess) of cases if your mum has a fall , you call your sibling.

Having another child is the worst thing I have ever done.

Both miss out hugely, it’s destroyed my relationship with no1 and no2 is a delight unless no1 is around.

I pray it gets better because there is nothing enjoyable about it at all at the moment.

You may fight with your sibling but in 99% ( at a guess) of cases if your mum has a fall , you call your sibling.

It depends what the fighting is about. Bickering and disagreement, or just being different people with different lives? Sure. But if there is deep-rooted conflict, fraud, theft, gaslighting (ask me how I know…) then absolutely not.

I'm an only. to be honest, it is what it is. All families are different and you can't really compare.

I think then they're younger you just have to make more of an effort to organise social stuff at weekends and holidays.

To be honest it didn't really bother me as a kid but I find it more of a challenge as an adult.

They’ll only not have cousins if an only child marries/has children with another only child. Which isn’t all that common but I suppose may become more so. Who cares if it’s a small xmas, large ones can be stressful and just read the multiple threads on here about wanting to spend it with thier own little family instead of at mils/parents etc. Not all siblings go on to have children, I know loads of people with siblings whose child doesn’t have cousins on one side as their siblings had no kids. I’d say that’s far more common than because of being an only child. It’s not really something that can be predicted or prevented by having have two children. Maybe if you have 3+ the chances are less.

Siblings can be great and i’m close to mine, except they both live overseas so if my surviving parent ( who I also have sole caring duties for since i live closest, not really by choice), has a fall it’s not my siblings i’m calling for help right away anyhow.

My only child has 5 cousins but is only really close with the one her age and they are quite different characters, not sure how it will be as adults. She has friends next door who she plays with daily and does loads of clubs and activities after school. She enjoys coming back to a quiet house where mum and dad can focus all their time on her.

For what's its worth, I had good relationships with my siblings growing up but always thought being an only would be great coz they got their own room that they could decorate as they wanted (I shared until I was 15 and older sibling went off to uni) and they could do exactly as they wanted after school etc.

What do you find offensive about it?

Mine’s an only child. He has lots of friends. Growing up it meant he could do the hobbies he wanted without having to work around a sibling. We managed to scrape together the £ to send him to private school, where he first discovered the instrument he hopes to make a living from! He’s an adult now and hasn’t suffered by being an only. He has friends with lots of siblings and slots into their families easily.

With what would be at least a 5 year age gap there would be no guarantee that they would have anything much in common, be close, not be lonely etc.

My family is full of onlys and are now on the fourth consecutive generation. It can take a bit of effort making sure that they have company of other children outside school and not rely on sibblings to keep each other entertained, but that is the only downside I experienced. My DC now has an only through choice.

I don’t think that is linked to age, more personality and although I know this won’t be a particularly liked view on here, sex. I know a lot of very close siblings with a biggish gap, although in the early years one takes a more caring role towards the younger one it does even out.

I think the older boy / younger girl combo is the worst one IMO.

To flip it i hated my brother growing up, wished i was an only, we’re fine now, not close though.
My daughter is an only and happy, has lots of friends, does various clubs, gets amazing holidays as we don’t have to spread money out too far, we’re focused on her, don’t have to split our time and attention.
She sees friends arguing with their siblings and says she’s glad she doesn’t have that.