Only children

[Ungap11]

Are there any positives? I’m struggling with the fact we will only ever have our son. He’s four and I hate that he’s not having the experiences I had with my sister growing up. What can I do to make his life full? Will he grow up and feel lonely? I can’t stop thinking about it all

“Are there any positives?!” As an only child, with an only child: this is massively offensive and (almost worse) unimaginative.

To add to my last post, both of my in laws have siblings. And they have both lost any sense of closeness decades ago, leading to a situation of perpetual resentment, in both directions . They are very different people now, and blood ties have not managed to overcome that, even during the challenges of old age. I think I would rather have no siblings, rather than siblings who frankly just don’t care.

Hiya. I think it's fine, really.
I had my only DS at the age of 41 and then just didn't get pregnant again. He's 8 now. Without a doubt our lives would have been different if there had been another child, and every now and then he says he wants a brother, but ... he's fine. He's a nice, loving, friendly boy with lots of friends at school, so, socially, he's doing absolutely great. As for the way our family functions - well, it's more of a triangular thing than if he had siblings, I suppose. It's Mum and Dad and DS, rather than "Mum and Dad" in one set and "the kids" in another. But in some ways, that's really nice.
I suppose I do a bit more organising play dates than if he had siblings to play with. But then, that means I've got some other adults to talk to. And I don't spend so much time sorting out sibling rivalry.
The other thing I like to do when I'm feeling sad about there only being one of him, is to remind myself of just how lucky I am to have him at all, and how I absolutely love him to bits :)
Take care xx

DS is an only child. He sort of wanted a sibling for a while, then he spent time with his cousin who had younger siblings and learnt that they'll play with your toys. Put him off the idea instantly. Now he just wants a dog and two kittens (we have one cat who absolutely wants to be an only cat.)

Why don't we ever get threads titled 'Multiple siblings, are there any positives?' or 'Very close together siblings, are there any positives?'

Having one child is no less 'normal' than any other parenting model. I've got one, I might have just fitted in two before menopause but being 'three bears' like tge fairytale felt great. Enjoy what you have because anything goes. Sibling relationships can be over rated or fabulous or ho hum. I had a great relationship with my much older only sibling, DH is eldest of four and couldn't wait to escape a crowded house. One never knows.

I'm an only.
I had plenty of cousins,so had friends but also space.

But my mother was very overbearing.
Very over protective, wasn't allowed to do anything.

So the only thing I'd say is don't be like that.

I am an only child as are coincidently three of my friends. All of our parents would say we had a good childhood but none of us really did. Materially yes we did, but otherwise we definitely missed out. It has undoubtedly become much harder as our parents have aged, that's when the loneliness really kicks in.

Foster close relationships with cousins and encourage them as they grow and become adults. Make them the siblings your wee one doesn't have.

That's exactly what my mother says about my childhood but she's wrong. Loads of material wealth holidays etc but money and resources as a child aren't important especially in adulthood.

My daughter is 10 and throughout the years always asked why she didn’t have any siblings and said she was sad about it
I was abused by her dad who basically forced me to have an abortion before her and I had a miscarriage some years after she was born and an ectopic pregnancy
we are lucky that we live in a block of flats where some of her classmates live so she gets to hang out with them often plus sees my brothers kids often but there are many days when ut was just me and her alone and she does get bored and I do feel sad about her being an only child as I grew up with siblings as I know what it’s like having siblings to play with - but I often fought with them too

often she’s on the ipad for a long time as I’m working from home and I was disabled for 3 years until I had an op
the thing to remember here though is that your child doesn’t know any better - it’s not like he had siblings who were then taken away from him - I take my daughter many places , everywhere - museums , shopping , cinema. kids activities, holidays , coach trips , enriching her experiences so she’s not stuck in , I see friends with kids and was taking her to playgroup until she was 5
I still feel sad about it at times - and guilty too and that’s okay - not all kids have siblings , it’s not something you can change right nke so don’t worry about it

try and visit friends with kids if possible, enroll him in things outside of school, soft play , visit the children’s centre see what they have on , theatres ect . My daughter isn’t too bothered about siblings now . He will be okay . Don’t feel bad about it !!!

I’m an only child. My parents gave me a great upbringing, I had lots of friends. It’s offensive to think my childhood was lesser. Have a word with yourself.

I’ve been a single parent for over a decade and my brother has stepped into a father role for my children (he is single and childless). I’m not sure what I’d have done without having a sibling. When our mum died it was a relief to have support and someone to look back on my childhood with. I’m glad I had a sibling, even though we didn’t always get on as children.

i have four children and the different combinations get on in different ways, some are closer than others. I think they are all happy to have siblings!

However, on flip side my friend only has one and I’m a little envious of the adult attention and experiences she is able to have (she has both parents and a step parent with no other children in the mix) compared with mine.

End of the day, they will adapt to whatever their situation is.

I am an only child and so it my son. The main positive for my growing up was that activities could be largely focused around my likes and dislikes, same for him.

He'll grow up with your undivided time, energy, attention, financial support etc. His life can be full of friends and wider family. All that really matters is that you love him; children don't need much more than that for happy childhoods.

Of course there are positives, my children often tell me they wish it was only them! (No siblings)

My best friend was an only child. The benefits as far as I could see it from a child's perspective were mainly that she got 100% of her parents’ love and attention. She never had to share. She never felt that her parents were ‘siding’ with anyone else. She never got told off at home like I did for ‘setting a bad example’, and she never had to put up with being annoyed by / having to share with / being picked on by siblings.

She had plenty of friends and neighbours to play with, she just got to escape from them when she wanted to. As a child I really couldn’t see any downsides!

Only children benefit from:

More parental time & attention
More resources
No early sibling rivalry

but can still have all the social benefits provided by cousins and close friends.

I was one of six in a FSM household. Never enough of anything. No privacy or space/quiet to study. One bathroom between eight. Excluded from anything that cost money. Didn't have a room of my own until halls of residence. I hated it. Couldn't wait to leave.

My ds who is an only, has everything I did not. He is calm, happy, confident. Has a far better childhood than I did.

Exactly. I grew up as the eldest of a far too big family, and while it was a miserable experience for all of us, I don’t sit about pontificating about the perils of big families in generalo. I’m sure some parents can parent five or more well. Mine couldn’t.

I have one child by choice. It’s a neutral for him, but definitely a positive for me.

I’m an only child. Honestly he won’t ever know the difference because it’s the only thing he’ll know. As long as you have a loving and supportive home he’ll have a great childhood. X

I’m an only child as is my husband. I had an amazing childhood and was never lonely. I have 2 myself. My home life was so calm and conflict-free that even now at 40, I find their fights shocking and I can’t get used to it. It’s constant! Endless!

My friends say that my girls are very tame and they laugh when I say what they do and say to each other- to them it’s just standard sibling behaviour. Your home really is your sanctuary when no one takes your things or knocks down what you built, and you can leave a cookie on the table and it’ll still be there later!

I learned to interact with adults, had my parents time and their money went a lot further so I experienced going to interesting places and trying out extracurriculars.

It was hard when my dad died, but I imagine sharing the experience with a sibling I didn’t on with would be worse than going through it alone.

I was an only child and like everything there are positives and negatives. My mum was a single parent who worked full time and I think would not have financially/practically managed with more than one child (plus irish catholic family and one out of wedlock child was enough). My family was different to my friends but I didn't know any different so it didn't bother me. I did have a few books that where the main character was a little girl who had a single mum which I liked reading as most books were about big families. In general I have positive memories of my childhood and I think thats more to do with just having a glass half full perspective than actual reality. My husband is one of 4 and now as an adult two of his siblings are NC with each other. No family is perfect and your son is very young and will have lots more ups and downs that are nothing to do with being an only child, try to lean into things you can enjoy doing together to create fun memories!

You’re being ridiculous. I was an only child and I thought it was fantastic. I personally have two children, but I have them because I wanted to be a parent to more than one child, not for them. They fight like cats and dogs, and definitely aren’t thrilled with the other’s existence. Most people aren’t hugely close to their siblings. Even the ones who are, are likely still closer to friends and a partner and eventually their own children in adulthood.

I, for one, am certainly not lonely. I’ve never wished I had a sibling. In fact, I’m grateful my parents, who were a hot mess, did not try to bring any more children into that mess. It certainly would have made a complicated family life even more complicated. I have a very full and happy life with friends and Dh and my dc. I don’t even think about a sibling ever. Children thrive with happy healthy parents most of all. If you can be that, then you’ve ticked all the boxes.

OP, like much of life, you will just never know if your kids life would be better or worse with or without a sibling. If there is no decision to be made then you have to abandon the 'what if' because you will always think of your child as losing something they never had which is quite a sad way of looking at things.

Of course they can benefit from being an only child! Lots of attention and more money are the most obvious.

I have 2 siblings, one I am close to and the other who has made life incredibly difficult for everyone - it will be a lifelong responsibility for me to care for this sibling who can be very nasty unfortunately. My point here is that it could go either way, but you need try to look at it as your son benefitting through the experiences you will be able to give him.

My best friend is an only. In her 30s her parents have retired and they are so close that her, her DH and her parents have all bought a large property together.

They have a 4 bed house that they could never have afforded without the significant financial boost of buying with her parents, who are happy living in the much smaller annexe. There is a door between the two and her parents provide childcare on demand for their DGC. Go round for coffee with her, we play with the kids for an hour and then she suggests “why don’t you go and show Nan what we’ve been doing?” And the kids will rush off next door and me and DF get an hour to natter! They would never have been able to provide her this kind of support if she wasn’t an only child.

Her kids have 4 adults to help raise them, they are mortgage free in their 30s so they both can work part time before the kids start school, no one is stressed about money or time- it’s an absolutely wonderful set up! There’s absolutely no way they could support this kind of set up if DF had siblings.

My daughters an only child, it's only now at 13 that she says she'd love a baby brother! However, we chose not to have another simply because we can't afford to. I would have to give up my job and my husband doesn't earn a fortune. My daughter gets everything she needs and we live a comfortable life.

I'm an only child and had a happy childhood. Frankly I (and your DS) don't know any different. My parents made a great effort to make sure I wasn't spoilt - irritatingly! I think for me it is more of a slight issue now as my parents are healthy but elderly and I am aware that future issues will fall only on my shoulders. Also, once they are no longer with us, that's our little family gone.