Asked not to attend my grandma's funeral

[Chickencuddle]

Content warning added by MNHQ (concerns CSA)

My family situation is a mess. I was 0ut in foster care when I was younger. There was abuse at home. My uncle also I think abused me. People on here have told me its classed as sexual abuse. He made me watch sexual things on tv. Lots of nudity. Spoke to me graphically about sexual things and made me comment on it when I didnt want to.
I had contact with my grandma over the past few years. Phoned lots of times and wrote and visited her twice. (She lives in England. I live in Ireland)
My grandma passed away last week. I knew she was sick and went to visit her. Days before she passed away. Im really grateful I got to see her and say everything to her.
My uncle messaged me details of the funeral. I have not been in contact with anyone else on that side of the family. When I say that side its really just my uncle and his wife and my brother. My brother I was in contact with until he let my parents know my where a bouts. I got pregnant with my first child and decided I couldn't have that in my life for sake of my child (He was also on drugs and has since had social services involved with his child) he was awful to me as a child but I always felt it wasnt his fault he was just a child.
Anyway sorry about waffle. My uncle messaged me funeral date but not time ot place and said there will be a live stream I can watch and they would prefer "as a family" that i didnt come and csn i please confirm that will be the case.
Tbh I didnt really want to go as didnt want to see them, but I was battling with myself as I felt its not fair I miss the funeral because of them.
Now that ive got this message I will not go and ill watch on livestream then visit the grave at a later stage.
However I do feel its so unfair and I dont think my grandma would have wanted me told I cant go as she always wanted contact with me. Ive started writing a message saying I will watch on livestream and visit at a later date. I was going to put " but is that what grandma would have wanted..me to be told that? "
But ive not sent yet as I do also feel like everyone's grieving ans my grandma probably wouldn't want a big argument or for there to be any bad blood at the funeral. I dont know
What should I do?

Do not subject yourself to these abusive family members any more than you need to. Watch the livestream and remember your grandma in your own way. I'm sure she would be proud of you

Don’t send the text.
watch the livestream and visit the grave later.
have no further contact with them - you don’t gain anything positive from having contact with them.

I think you should do whatever is right for you (or least wrong). Your abuser cannot decide who can attend a funeral. I'm sorry for your loss. If you do decide to go in person, can you take someone with you for support?

Personally I dont think I'd send much back.

If you're not to fussed about getting along with them going forward I wouldn't respond to the message at all (but I would livestream the funeral).

If you want to maintain a relationship of some sort with them I'd just send something like "thanks for sending the link", and leave it at that. Adding anything else plays into their stupid games.

There's obviously an awful lot more to this if you have been asked not to attend. But I suppose that's not really relevant here.

I would say that if those are the wishes of the people organising the funeral then unfortunately you need to respect them and grieve in your own way. You can still watch the stream at least and then visit her grave separately to show your respects.

Don’t send the text. Nothing good will come of it.

This is so sad. Lots of love to you. I don't really know what the right answer to your question is. But I'm sure you are right that your grandma would not have wanted your family to ask you not to attend. I guess I would be tempted to avoid as much conflict as possible - for your own peace of mind, not for the sake of the unkind family members.
I hope that you get the chance to visit your grandma's grave and say goodbye to her there. xxx

Awful attitude. Nobody should ever turn up to a funeral where the children of the deceased have directly asked them not to.

I dont think I would contact them. But if you do want to stay in touch just send a message saying thank you for the link.

Well social services spoke to me about my brother and asked me to give evidence for the child they were taking away and I went and told them stuff im sure he wouldn't have wanted me to. But I had to be honest for the child.
Also my uncle did things wrong that ive just written on here.
We havnt had contact in 20 odd years.
So thats quite alot of reasons already that they dont want me there. They're also probably upset I chose not to attend my mothers funeral. (That's his sister)

Also I do not want contact with him or my brother...

I wouldn’t reply, you never intended to go anyway.

A couple of years ago we lost my step grandad - he had a massive falling out with his daughter years ago. She was never told not to attend the funeral and informed us she wasn’t going to attend. I know she did quietly attend, sat at the back and left - no one else seen her and just assumed she didn’t attend. If you really wanted to no one can stop you doing that, but is it worth it to be around people that have abused you ?

I can't see any good for you in going, too many wounds opened. Funerals are for the living, you paid your respects before she died by visiting her.

I don't think it's fair but I think I'd do what you are doing and watch the live stream and go to the grave after.

I am sorry for your loss x

Don't send the text.
If you watch the livestream be prepared for family members to talk about events you remember entirely differently and it to be very upsetting.

Best to cut all contact. Completely and totally ignoring them and not responding at all will upset them a lot more than reacting. Sorry for your loss.

Honestly, I think they have done you a favour! I would stay away for my own peace! Like you said, you don't wish to have the contact!

You went to see your Grandma before she died, to say goodbye and you could mark your Grandma in your own way on the day and just be at peace away from these toxic abusive people!

I wouldn't message back - protect your own peace!

Ignore the text, watch the livestream if you wish and maybe light a candle in her memory. Don't give them a second though.

Ignore the text. Don't reply. Block the number

Watch the live stream, but think about muting the sound if the stream begins before the actual formal service or ends after it. It might be very hard if you were to overhear any family drama or gossip in relation to yourself or your past.

I dont know details of live stream though so I have to reply for that

The children of the deceased in this case are abusers, and it's OPS grandmother.

OP should do what's right for her. In this case I probably wouldn't go, but I don't think the requests of an abusive male take precedence over OP or likely the grandmothers actual wishes.

Ah, then keep it factual, no emotion.

"Thanks for your message, please could you provide the details for the live stream"

It is unfair.

But I wouldn't reply.

I'd remember my grandma in my own way without the risk of upsetting comments or negative attitudes from others.

Sorry for your loss.

ETA: In that case, request the details.of the live stream and leave it there. Don't say anything else. Not even to confirm that you won't be attending but will watch the live stream.

I would send the thank you for the link post then block their numbers and change yours. This is a very good time to have no further contact with your abusive family and draw a line under your troubled past. If you want to watch the livestream, then you will be able to do it in the privacy of your own home and visit the grave.

This, 100%. The OP does not owe any particular respect to the man who abused her. In addition, she had a relationship with her grandmother in her own right, and if she wanted to attend the funeral would have every right to do so regardless of the wishes of her uncle or anyone else.

That said, OP, I think in your case I’d just watch the livestream and remember your grandmother in your own way. I don’t think there is any need to put yourself through what sounds being a very stressful day, and I’m sure your grandmother would have felt the same way.