Asked not to attend my grandma's funeral

[Chickencuddle]

Content warning added by MNHQ (concerns CSA)

My family situation is a mess. I was 0ut in foster care when I was younger. There was abuse at home. My uncle also I think abused me. People on here have told me its classed as sexual abuse. He made me watch sexual things on tv. Lots of nudity. Spoke to me graphically about sexual things and made me comment on it when I didnt want to.
I had contact with my grandma over the past few years. Phoned lots of times and wrote and visited her twice. (She lives in England. I live in Ireland)
My grandma passed away last week. I knew she was sick and went to visit her. Days before she passed away. Im really grateful I got to see her and say everything to her.
My uncle messaged me details of the funeral. I have not been in contact with anyone else on that side of the family. When I say that side its really just my uncle and his wife and my brother. My brother I was in contact with until he let my parents know my where a bouts. I got pregnant with my first child and decided I couldn't have that in my life for sake of my child (He was also on drugs and has since had social services involved with his child) he was awful to me as a child but I always felt it wasnt his fault he was just a child.
Anyway sorry about waffle. My uncle messaged me funeral date but not time ot place and said there will be a live stream I can watch and they would prefer "as a family" that i didnt come and csn i please confirm that will be the case.
Tbh I didnt really want to go as didnt want to see them, but I was battling with myself as I felt its not fair I miss the funeral because of them.
Now that ive got this message I will not go and ill watch on livestream then visit the grave at a later stage.
However I do feel its so unfair and I dont think my grandma would have wanted me told I cant go as she always wanted contact with me. Ive started writing a message saying I will watch on livestream and visit at a later date. I was going to put " but is that what grandma would have wanted..me to be told that? "
But ive not sent yet as I do also feel like everyone's grieving ans my grandma probably wouldn't want a big argument or for there to be any bad blood at the funeral. I dont know
What should I do?

Keep well away from these awful people. Watch the livestream if you can and visit your Grandma's grave on your own when your can. She won't know you couldn't attend in person. Have a special day just you and her at her graveside once it is all settled.

I’m sorry for your loss.

personally I would take back control and say.

I can imagine it would be awkward seeing me in person. I don’t want that either. Nanna and I loved each other and I will watch in live stream.

I would reply and ask for the details of the Live Stream and say that you will be watching that. I would not mention about visiting her Resting Place at a later date. I think it could cause issues. The on;ly reason I would confirm that you are going to watch the live stream is because your brother works for the undertakers so I would be afraid that they would turn off the live stream to be cruel to you if you did not confirm you would not attend.

Do you know who the funeral director is? - you can get the live stream details from them - probably on their website.

It would seem best for you to have as little contact as possible with those who have given you grief over the years. Watching the livestream will mean you can say a personal goodbye in your own way and you will be able to visit the grave at a later date.

But you wouldn’t surely be treating your grandmother’s funeral as an opportunity to settle scores with abusive family members?

If you have never reported your uncle’s abuse, that’s still an option. You’ve done what you thought was responsible in engaging with social services about your brother. Starting to tell the family at large what they did at the funeral of someone you loved is going to be potentially damaging and traumatising for you, and is highly unlikely to bring you any sense of resolution or validation. (I say this out of my own recent experience.)

I say this with total sympathy as a fellow survivor of CSA. Get support. Find a specialist therapist. Don’t hope for any form of validation from your family.

Im sorry for your loss.💐

ETA. And of course it’s not fair. It’s not fair you had a miserably abusive childhood around adults who didn’t protect you. But saying it to the very people involved won’t get you anywhere. Seek support from qualified professionals. I’ve found therapy transformative.

Im so sorry OP, for everything you have been subjected to and for your current situation. Is there anything you can do on the day of the funeral to remember your Grandma? If you are religious could yous it I church and light a candle? Have her favourite lunch / cake afterwards? Or go somewhere beautiful where you can just remember? I recently watched a live stream funeral and you couldn’t see the front rows so you would likely see your uncle etc. I also think they’ve purposely not given you live stream so you have to contact them. I’d block his number.

Whilst I understand your Grandma wouldn’t want you to be banned she would want you to have your interact with your abuser either

Of course not planning saying it at a funeral or anything. Just meant in general. Ive kept silent mostly for the sake of myself as I know they wouldn't admit it and it would just cause a whole mess again and lots of hurt. But I just feel its so unfair and im the black sheep. When I was a child who suffered because if these people. Yet im the one that is almost punished. Part of me wants to say everything and then cut them off.
You did this. You did this. That was wrong and THAT is why we dont have contact goodbye.
Kind of thing. But anyway not now.jyst meant in general

OP, the most important thing is that you saw your dear grandmother before she went, and you know she loved you.

Leave these abusive damaging people to do their thing and save yourself the upset if having your goodbyes tainted by the worry and damage of being in contact with these people.

Your memories are safe in your heart.

Visit the resting place in your own time.

I am not even sure I would watch a funeral managed by them. It may be full of lies and falsity.

I am so sorry you went through such a childhood and have lost your Gran.

Thank you that's a loveky thought.

As someone who recently spoke to an adult who knew I was being sexually abused in childhood and didn’t act, I can tell you that it was one of the single most bleak and invalidating experiences of my life. It made me feel actively worse. I’ve barely eaten since. And I did that with therapeutic support.

In your shoes I would seek support and think about what I would really be hoping for in having a showdown with your awful family — because it’s highly unlikely to have the effect you hope for, in bringing you some closure and peace of mind. I think you risk handing them too much power, when this family is clearly an unsafe environment for you. You have already cut them off. They don’t have any power over you now. Get help. Best wishes, OP.

Thank you for this. I'M So sorry for all you've been through.

No message back about time or place or link or anytjing. Going to ignore now and if I dont get anything will do my own thing for my grandma and go visit her resting place when I can. I know the area she will be buried and I can find her if I need to.

OP I would be wary of watching the live stream. I attend a lot of funerals as part of my job and someone will give a eulogy. They may say things that upset you, re-write history.

If I were you I wouldn’t reply. Let them stew. I would simply have my own “funeral” for her.

They make you out to be the bad sheep because they have been abusive and it’s easier than admitting it. I’m sorry to say you will never get an apology from these people, and it would be healthier for you to come to an acceptance of this. Take control.

Good luck OP.

I really do think it is worth contacting the funeral director. I am sure there is a way to find the link. But, as others have said, do you feel strong enough to watch these relatives who have let you down mouthing platitudes?

On top of the childhood trauma your uncle inflicted, I hear loud and clear your sense of injustice that he has turned you into the black sheep. And I really do understand this. It is unjust, it is wrong, it is bound to make you angry.

The most important thing is to work out is what can you best do to ensure your wellbeing going forward and this will involve finding something to do with your entirely justified anger and hurt. They will eat you up if you do not seek help to deal with them.

Can you afford counselling? Some counselling organisations have sliding scale of charges. And often the NHS via your GP will actually come up with help for those who have suffered CSA.

You need help to unpick all this and find the best way forward for you.

Don't go to the funeral, don't contact any of them or give any information about your plans to attend, watch the livestream if you feel like it, cut all further contact with these horrible people.

I'm sorry for the loss of your grandmother.

Onein4.org.uk is somewhere to access counselling for this. There us also NAPAC who can signpost you to help.
It is worth goggling counselling for adult survivors of CSA.
Taking a concrete step like this might help you.

I think you've sort of answered your own question here.

Set aside what your grandmother would have wanted for a second. The message you're thinking of sending to them is combative and will only start an argument. I expect the main reason they don't want you there is to avoid a similar thing happening in public, given your history with various members of the family.

It might not be 'fair', but life often isn't. Sometimes you just need to be the bigger person.

So its the day of the funeral. I left work early to come and watch the live stream and the link ive been sent jyst says
Video unavailable.
So my grandma's funeral is happening right now and I just feel so sad i cant be there cant even watch the video and be part of it. Im her family too.
But im excluded an outsider and the shame which I try my whole life to tell myself isnt mine is real and is drowning me.
Anger too....some of that.

@Chickencuddle I am so sorry to hear this. Please accept my deepest condolences today. How heartbreaking for you .

I will keep you in my prayers tonight.

OP, I am so sorry. Sending you support. As a PP said, your gran would not want you to be exposed to abuse - and as long as you have memories of her, she is not totally gone. I hope you can look after yourself and care for yourself.