Asked not to attend my grandma's funeral

[Chickencuddle]

Content warning added by MNHQ (concerns CSA)

My family situation is a mess. I was 0ut in foster care when I was younger. There was abuse at home. My uncle also I think abused me. People on here have told me its classed as sexual abuse. He made me watch sexual things on tv. Lots of nudity. Spoke to me graphically about sexual things and made me comment on it when I didnt want to.
I had contact with my grandma over the past few years. Phoned lots of times and wrote and visited her twice. (She lives in England. I live in Ireland)
My grandma passed away last week. I knew she was sick and went to visit her. Days before she passed away. Im really grateful I got to see her and say everything to her.
My uncle messaged me details of the funeral. I have not been in contact with anyone else on that side of the family. When I say that side its really just my uncle and his wife and my brother. My brother I was in contact with until he let my parents know my where a bouts. I got pregnant with my first child and decided I couldn't have that in my life for sake of my child (He was also on drugs and has since had social services involved with his child) he was awful to me as a child but I always felt it wasnt his fault he was just a child.
Anyway sorry about waffle. My uncle messaged me funeral date but not time ot place and said there will be a live stream I can watch and they would prefer "as a family" that i didnt come and csn i please confirm that will be the case.
Tbh I didnt really want to go as didnt want to see them, but I was battling with myself as I felt its not fair I miss the funeral because of them.
Now that ive got this message I will not go and ill watch on livestream then visit the grave at a later stage.
However I do feel its so unfair and I dont think my grandma would have wanted me told I cant go as she always wanted contact with me. Ive started writing a message saying I will watch on livestream and visit at a later date. I was going to put " but is that what grandma would have wanted..me to be told that? "
But ive not sent yet as I do also feel like everyone's grieving ans my grandma probably wouldn't want a big argument or for there to be any bad blood at the funeral. I dont know
What should I do?

The children of the deceased lose all right to such consideration when they have sexually abused the person they want to stay away. Of course he doesn’t want her there, he won’t want anyone being reminded who he really is.

OP I wouldn’t go if I were you. You might be able to find out about the live stream another way, but I’d miss that too rather than reply to your uncle’s message. Find your own way to remember your grandma separately to these awful people and don’t have anything more to do with them.

Keep any messages you send as short, unemotional and factual as possible. Watch the livestream if you wish to, but otherwise disengage entirely. I’d think of it as closing that chapter of my life, and then starting afresh and turning the page. Move on now with your life and be happy.

I too think no good would come of your attending, but i wouldnt be responding to that text or 'confirming' anything. You said goodbye to your granny and thats the main thing.

Saying goodbye to a loved one is a very personal thing. Could you do something on the day to mark her passing? Or if she is being buried could you go at a later date without the pressure or presence of the family and say a personal goodbye? That would make it more meaningful and poignant to you.

They say funerals are for the living, so that is what you need to focus on here. What is right for you? If you are not bothered about going, dont go. If you dont want to watch a livestream, dont. Or if you decide you do want to, go (but not alone).

From what you have said, though, I would lean to not going, visiting the grave in your own time and spending the day remembering your grandma as you see fit. You dont have to be in any particular place to do that.

I am sorry for your loss and how much you have been through.

Do what YOU want to do. You would be be there to pay YOUR respects.
Part of me thinks that your uncle is worried that you will open a whole can of worms about the abuse and is just trying to protect his own interests.

What would be best for you? I can’t imagine seeing these people will help you.

Although I don’t trust your uncle to have anything other than his best interests at heart.

There will be lots of memorial type churches over Christmas to remember loved ones, maybe this would be a better alternative for you.

Have you missed the bit where she describes her uncle abusing her?

That's why he has asked her not to attend. Because she knows stuff he doesn't want other to know, ie. that he is a fucking paedophile....

I am not sure what on earth is going on with those posters who think you are morally obliged to respect the wishes of this disgusting man.....

Of course you can attend if you wish to, you absolutely have that moral right. However, I would think pragmatically if I were you. Will attending make you vulnerable to more abuse from them, for example emotional abuse?

I just messaged saying I will watch live stream and visit resting place if he sends over all the details.
There's a part of me that wants to jyst tell everyone everything everyone did. Its not fair.

I agree with this.

It sounds like in your family there was a lot of abuse and unacceptable beahviour but to them it was normal so even if you did raise it they wouldn’t see it as problem.

Yes that is very much the case. I know that which is why I've never said anything what is the point. But also just to know ive said my bit.
Im in contact with my cousin and my "aunt" who is my dad's brother ls ex wife. If I think about it they are the only ones id want to be in contact with. Maybe my dad's brother too, but I know he would never go against my dad.

I’d say i’ll watch live stream and attend and sit at the back, and then leave after the service. No-one can tell someone else that they can’t attend a funeral. Anyone can go.

I'm pretty sure when I arranged my mother's funeral, my extended family had to contact the Funeral Directors for details about the live link because it was part of the service they were providing. I didn't have to pass the details on to anyone myself. I know it's possible it's not the same everywhere but it might be worth contacting them direct if you can find out who's handling the funeral then you need have no further contact with your uncle at all.

Watching the livestream is probably best. These aren’t people you want to be in the same room as, really.

However, it’s not unheard of for a member of the family to be not mentioned at all. I would circumvent this by ringing the priest (I’m assuming local parish), having a chat, say you can’t be there, tell a Grandma anecdote or two. He should then be sure you are mentioned in the prayers, at least, as one of the family.

If it’s at the local crematorium, you could ring them and ask for details of the funeral directors concerned. From there, get the name of the celebrant and carry on as above.

Another thing is my brother works at the funeral directors and is arranging the funeral. 🤨

I wasn't suggesting you needed to share it all on here OP, absolutely no need if it's upsetting. I just meant that it was clear and awful lot had happened.

I honestly don't think anything good will come from you attending at the same time as them, you won't be able to grieve properly with your abuser there anyway. Do it in your own way in your own time and it will be much more peaceful for you.

What? Her uncle is a child abuser! A pedophile! Who cares what he says, how dare he dictate that she can't come? I wouldn't go, just because I wouldn't want to see him or the rest of them, but your take is utterly bizarre.

Please don’t subject yourself to seeing theses people. You can mourn your grandma in your own way.

Don’t go but don’t message back either.

In a small funeral that will be impossible

Watch the stream and go later.

Sorry for your loss OP and it's good that you got to spend that time with your grandmother.

Do whatever feels most comfortable for you whether that's attending or watching the funeral Livestream.

I also want to commend you for speaking to authorities to protect your brothers child, that is you breaking the cycle of family abuse and is so difficult to do when we have grown up in an abusive family dynamic where being silent was drummed into us, we learn early that speaking out and "betraying" the family is an act worse than the actual child abuse.

I'm a survivor of childhood abuse and can highly recommend Connect Counseling here in Ireland. It's run by the HSE to provide support for survivors of all kinds of childhood abuse, it's a free service in person or by phone, you can just have a one-off call or can have counseling on a long term basis. All the therapists are trauma informed and trained in early childhood abuse.

If you need support here's the link

https://connectcounselling.ie/

If you want to go, go. If you want to watch the livestream do that. And if you want to ignore your whole abusive family then id 100% do that.

Sorry for all the shite youve been through. So many family members have let you down. Youve tried to do the right thing to protect more children. That’s amazing. Youve been so brave.

keep in touch with only the nice ones you like, the women, if you want to.

watch the live stream. I would dress in black, buy a bunch of flowers to put in my vase and light a candle at the same time as the live stream in remembrance. I believe she will know you care and she will be with you in spirit. 💐

You don't want to have contact with them so I wouldn't be bothered that they've asked you not to come. For your own wellbeing, you need to keep contact to an absolute minimum. Just request the details of the livestream and remember your Grandma in your own way. If you're religious, you could go to any church and light a candle for your Granny on the day. I'm sorry for your loss 💐