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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to my sister's surprise big birthday dinner

72 replies

Greysowhat · 31/10/2025 06:58

I'm autistic and the youngest sibling by 12 years and not particularly close to any of them except 1 sister who understands me better than the others and is very empathetic about all things in the world. It's a different sisters big birthday coming up and her daughter is arranging a surprise party/dinner just before Christmas. I got the invite yesterday and have been filled with anxiety ever since. The thoughts of going has really upset me. I've always hated these family dinner parties. They fill me with dread and it's worse the older I get. I have anxiety about them for weeks and weeks in advance, it's like a constant black cloud on the horizon.

The dinner is a 70 minute drive away and I find the trip itself extremely anxiety causing and I'm exhausted by the time I get there. Then at the thing they are all so polite with each other it's like dinner at Downton Abbey with all the careful small talk until they all have a few drinks and at least then they relax a bit but I am rigid with tension for the first few hours and can barely say anything, I just sit there trying to smile. It can take me over a week to get over the burn out effect of one of these events. I haven't gone to most of them in recent years.

I have a lot on between now and then too, dental treatment including extractions, eye surgery, 3 hospital appointments for that. Work being done on the kitchen. My carefully constructed routine that keeps me right is already messed up and now this invite has me agonising.

So AIBU to think of declining giving the above reasons? Or am I a selfish bitch for thinking of not going to my sister's surprise party?

OP posts:
3luckystars · 31/10/2025 07:01

Could you say ‘I have surgery then and will be unable to go’ and send a big gift or celebrate with your sister separately another time. It’s ok to say no.

Just give one short reason, send a nice gift and don’t worry about it!

shellyleppard · 31/10/2025 07:01

@Greysowhat if it makes you that uncomfortable then I wouldn't go. Send your apologies nearer the time, say you are ill maybe?

Uhohuho · 31/10/2025 07:01

YANBU at all, just decline, send a card or whatever you usually do in that regard and enjoy your life, it’s an invite not a summons.

Original poster
Greysowhat · 31/10/2025 07:11

3luckystars · 31/10/2025 07:01

Could you say ‘I have surgery then and will be unable to go’ and send a big gift or celebrate with your sister separately another time. It’s ok to say no.

Just give one short reason, send a nice gift and don’t worry about it!

Unfortunately it's on a saturday but I could say I have a hospital thing on the Friday and would be already worn out by that. Sort of semi-true.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greysowhat · 31/10/2025 07:12

shellyleppard · 31/10/2025 07:01

@Greysowhat if it makes you that uncomfortable then I wouldn't go. Send your apologies nearer the time, say you are ill maybe?

I've done that lots of times before so now if I say I'm ill they'll all just go "yeah right!"

But still an option!

OP posts:
Evaka · 31/10/2025 07:12

I'm sorry OP. This sounds awful. I think you choose one of the medical things you've coming up and say that's why you cant attend. 'Oh no, that actually clashes with three horrible extractions. I won't be able to drive, eat, drink or speak for 5 days'.

Don't wait and say you're unwell closer to the time as it'll likely play on your mind in the run up?

Original poster
Greysowhat · 31/10/2025 07:12

shellyleppard · 31/10/2025 07:01

@Greysowhat if it makes you that uncomfortable then I wouldn't go. Send your apologies nearer the time, say you are ill maybe?

I've done that lots of times before so not if I say I'm ill they'll all just go "yeah right!"

But still an option!

OP posts:
Original poster
Greysowhat · 31/10/2025 07:12

Uhohuho · 31/10/2025 07:01

YANBU at all, just decline, send a card or whatever you usually do in that regard and enjoy your life, it’s an invite not a summons.

😂ohmygod, it does feel like a summons!!!

OP posts:
shellyleppard · 31/10/2025 07:14

@Greysowhat just have to invent a really horrible illness 😁😁 explosive diarrhea usually does the trick!! 😄

Original poster
Greysowhat · 31/10/2025 07:15

shellyleppard · 31/10/2025 07:14

@Greysowhat just have to invent a really horrible illness 😁😁 explosive diarrhea usually does the trick!! 😄

I could use colonoscopy only I just had one last week!!!!

Thanks everyone, I already feel better about it.

OP posts:
Evaka · 31/10/2025 07:17

Just to add OP, I stopped fretting about such things when I realised my presence doesn't make or break a party. I'm just not that important!

EarringsandLipstick · 31/10/2025 07:18

YANBU not to go, but be honest. Explain why it’s so hard for you - as your family, they surely know you are autistic and why this situation might be stressful for you? Then arrange to mark your sister’s birthday separately.

Tryingatleast · 31/10/2025 07:19

If you’ve so many siblings could you not tell them about Friday and ask can someone give you a lift? Then you don’t have the worries about getting there. If it’s a big birthday, it’s been organised by her daughter and you’ve missed so many you should go (from someone who never gets to see all their family together).

Id also add (as an autistic person) that you probably see it as downtown abbey because of the politeness, the waiting etc, that’s just the way they go on (I used to find it difficult too before I realised it’s what people like and I need to take breaths and stop thinking every experience has to hurry along and be done.)

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 31/10/2025 07:19

does your niece know about you being ND and what that means in practice for you? You could try being honest and sending something like the post above, spelling out that what she and others would find easy and normal you’d find so difficult? (Perhaps not saying she’ll be tense until she’s had a drink!)

If you live a 70 min drive from everyone else there’s not much that can be done about the location. But could you go the day before and stay in a hotel nearby? Or someone else pick you up so you don’t have to drive ? Your niece might have ideas to make it easier if she knows.

(I have assumed if her mum is the one lovely one, then her daughter has probably been raised to be sympathetic to other people’s needs as well.)

but otherwise just be honest about you not being able to go and see if you can arrange something with your lovely sister to mark her significant birthday 1-2-1 or just with her immediate family that’s lower key/lower stress.

sashh · 31/10/2025 07:20

I'm going through a series of hospital tests / visits and it has virtually wiped me out.

I'm fairly sure your appointments could have the same effect.

StokePotteries · 31/10/2025 07:21

Greysowhat · 31/10/2025 07:11

Unfortunately it's on a saturday but I could say I have a hospital thing on the Friday and would be already worn out by that. Sort of semi-true.

Show quote history

You could say you will be recovering from minor surgery and unable to travel. Then send her a lovely present to open on the day and maybe a birthday message that the sister who's organising could read out.

You don't have to feel bad for avoiding situations you absolutely loathe.

Meadowfinch · 31/10/2025 07:24

After all these years, your family must know such parties are not your thing, so just say that.

Send the birthday sister a bunch of flowers that she can stick on the table as a centre piece, and stay at home. No-one will mind, and if they do, they will just have to cope. Don't sweat it.

Original poster
Greysowhat · 31/10/2025 07:41

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 31/10/2025 07:19

does your niece know about you being ND and what that means in practice for you? You could try being honest and sending something like the post above, spelling out that what she and others would find easy and normal you’d find so difficult? (Perhaps not saying she’ll be tense until she’s had a drink!)

If you live a 70 min drive from everyone else there’s not much that can be done about the location. But could you go the day before and stay in a hotel nearby? Or someone else pick you up so you don’t have to drive ? Your niece might have ideas to make it easier if she knows.

(I have assumed if her mum is the one lovely one, then her daughter has probably been raised to be sympathetic to other people’s needs as well.)

but otherwise just be honest about you not being able to go and see if you can arrange something with your lovely sister to mark her significant birthday 1-2-1 or just with her immediate family that’s lower key/lower stress.

Thanks for all the suggestions but honestly that all makes it sound even worse!

And should have said, DH would be driving. But being a passenger is almost worse than driving myself. But i'd be in too much of a state to drive myself.

OP posts:
shellyleppard · 31/10/2025 07:44

@Greysowhat the colonoscopy comment made me chuckle 🤭 i think I'm just getting a bit crotchety as get older. If i don't feel happy doing something then I don't 🤔🤗

Original poster
Greysowhat · 31/10/2025 07:45

Evaka · 31/10/2025 07:17

Just to add OP, I stopped fretting about such things when I realised my presence doesn't make or break a party. I'm just not that important!

Haha! Yes, I know. But it's the whole polite thing that they're all so into. "How rude of Greysowhat not coming." Although I suppose if that's what they focus on then that's their problem. Then again they might just say well we didn't expect her to come really.

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 31/10/2025 07:47

In this situation I'd tell them that you aren't coming in good time and just keep the reasons simple, that you aren't up for travelling due to your health.

What you can't do is control how other people react to this or whether they think it's a good reason or not. You just have to deal with the outcome as best as you can.

Sixsevern · 31/10/2025 07:47

Just message them to say ‘sorry but I have eye surgery planned close to this date and have been told that I am likely to need to be resting and won’t be able to drive/travel. Thanks for the invite though and I will send a gift and catch up with X once I am well enough or prior to my eye surgery’

FrostAtMidnight · 31/10/2025 07:50

Don’t pull out at the last minute- I never understand why people suggest that. Just say thanks for the invitation, unfortunately you can’t make it (you can say it’s for health reasons if you like, which is both true and reasonable) but you hope they all have a great time. No biggie.

BreadandCircus · 31/10/2025 07:54

WhatNoRaisins · 31/10/2025 07:47

In this situation I'd tell them that you aren't coming in good time and just keep the reasons simple, that you aren't up for travelling due to your health.

What you can't do is control how other people react to this or whether they think it's a good reason or not. You just have to deal with the outcome as best as you can.

This. They may well think it’s incredibly poor form of you not attending, but there is literally nothing you can do to alter that.

You need to weigh up the discomfort of attending versus the discomfort of not attending and possibly being thought rude or uncaring by your siblings. The choice is yours.

If you haven’t attended most family gatherings in recent years, presumably no one will be surprised, though?

Chasingsquirrels · 31/10/2025 07:56

YANBU not to go, you have reasons for this and you have to do what is best for you.

But, you also need to remember that you reap what you sow.
The fewer event you attend, the less you are seen as an active member of the family. This may also flow down to any children you may have.
You may have considered this and be perfectly happy with it, which is completely valid, but if you havent then I think you do need to actively involve it in your decision making process along with the reasons as to why go / not go.

I think it is also better to be honest (maybe not about the Downton Abbey bit specifically) about how & why these events are difficult for you, and specifically at the moment combined with the other things you have going on which are draining your available energy bank.
It should be helpful for your family to understand this, and realise that you aren't just bunking off these events to annoy them, but because you genuinely find them difficult.

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