To not go to my sister's surprise big birthday dinner

[Greysowhat]

I'm autistic and the youngest sibling by 12 years and not particularly close to any of them except 1 sister who understands me better than the others and is very empathetic about all things in the world. It's a different sisters big birthday coming up and her daughter is arranging a surprise party/dinner just before Christmas. I got the invite yesterday and have been filled with anxiety ever since. The thoughts of going has really upset me. I've always hated these family dinner parties. They fill me with dread and it's worse the older I get. I have anxiety about them for weeks and weeks in advance, it's like a constant black cloud on the horizon.

The dinner is a 70 minute drive away and I find the trip itself extremely anxiety causing and I'm exhausted by the time I get there. Then at the thing they are all so polite with each other it's like dinner at Downton Abbey with all the careful small talk until they all have a few drinks and at least then they relax a bit but I am rigid with tension for the first few hours and can barely say anything, I just sit there trying to smile. It can take me over a week to get over the burn out effect of one of these events. I haven't gone to most of them in recent years.

I have a lot on between now and then too, dental treatment including extractions, eye surgery, 3 hospital appointments for that. Work being done on the kitchen. My carefully constructed routine that keeps me right is already messed up and now this invite has me agonising.

So AIBU to think of declining giving the above reasons? Or am I a selfish bitch for thinking of not going to my sister's surprise party?

Just say “thanks for the invite, but I have eye surgery planned around this date & have been told I need to rest. Have a good meal.”

or if you dont want to say that “thanks for the invite but no thanks. Family dinners aren’t for me.”

Dear OP,
you don’t need to go. It’s ok. You don’t need to lie. Don’t compromise yourself. Let your sister know that she is important to you - that’s effectively what this meal gesture is - but do it in a way that doesn’t result in your burnout.

Do the important thing (letting your sister know she is loved) - but in a way that works for you. Don’t let dealing with an stressful event get in the way of what is important. And don’t apologize and make your gesture be all about how you can’t do something, accept yourself for who you are and take dealing with your response out of the equation - simply make a heartfelt gesture to your sister, and then congratulate yourself on handling a tricky situation with finesse.

(Because you do realize there are a few things going on here! It’s not just about the event of sisters birthday, it’s you wondering why the family can’t love you enough to accommodate you as you are - right? You wondering how many times you have to spell it out that these events just don’t work for you…. Eh, if they haven’t got it by now they probably never will, so you have to change the script in a grown up way) Find your tribe OP, and love your family in a way that works for you.

Don’t pretend to have a last- minute illness- people see through the lies.

You could tell them now that the date is during a period of multiple eye surgeries and you have been advised not to drive/ travel long distances until you are fully recovered. The surgery is genuine.

Your sister should understand why you don't take part. It can't be unknown to her.
Send a nice card.

Just say you can't go because of your appointment on the Friday , send a message today so you don't over think and tie yourself up in knots.

I think you need to work on desensitising yourself to what other people think. It won't be easy but imo that is the key here. We occasionally have big family get togethers and one or two of the family don't attend, you know what we say, either nothing or just acknowledge they don't tend to come. For all manner of reasons, just not their thing. We accept it now. Disappointing if you have that sort of family that keep asking but just practice saying "no I can't do that" and stop offering excuses. You don't have to explain yourself. Like others said, send a card and gift all will be fine.

I can get anxious in certain situations, I overthink every interaction, plan my travel 12 times, etc and whilst sometimes I do push myself to attend as they are important I don't always and I certainly don't do too many all at once, I wouldn't cope and my sanity/peace is more important.

Honestly just use the eye surgery as an excuse ? You’re going to need some recovery time and I wouldn’t assume someone who needed eye surgery would immediately be fit to drive long distance. Maybe just egg it on a bit and say you need to wait to be given the all clear to drive again or something

You don't have to explain yourself. Just say that you can't unfortunately make it and send a nice card (or gift) to your sister. Nobody else will give your absence as much thought as you think they do.

Recently diagnosed AuDHD myself and I would find this stressful but my family are amazing and supportive and most are the same as me anyway. So my new strategy is just to tell the bloody truth. This would mean I could probably put measures in place to ensure I could attend. BUT if my family were like yours, I don't think that would be doable. All that masking would absolutely lead to days of shutdown before and after and probably a fair few meltdowns along the way too. This is physically as well as mentally bad for you. If they can't see this, then that's their problem. Tell them the truth and see how they react. If they are good people, they'll want to help you attend in a way that doesn't make you ill. If they're not, then they're not your people and you should stay home and prioritise yourself xxx

With so much angst over it save yourself and just politely decline. As PP have said they must know it isn't your thing. I have a Brother and Sister in law who hate social gatherings (both autistic) sometimes they will show up (most of the time they are ill / working etc) but you can tell they hate being there and it makes everyone uncomfortable so I have stopped inviting them now to save them the angst.

x

Surely it’s perfectly likely that the OP’s siblings know perfectly well she’s highly unlikely to attend, given that she hasn’t attended most family events in years, but are just showing that she’s always included anyway? That it’s a gesture of inclusion, rather than the family ‘not accommodating her as she is’, more ‘We know you won’t want to come, but we haven’t forgotten you’?

Agreed that the heartfelt gesture to her sister is the NB thing here, rather than inventing excuses for not going. The OP should tell the truth and send her sister a nice card/present, and stop stressing.

I wouldn't go either.

Do your family understand?

I had a similar reaction when I received an invitation to my (now) sister in laws hen party.

But she messaged me the day after I received it to say that there was no expectation on me to attend but she wanted me to know I was invited and welcome to do so.

I didn't go but appreciated both the invitation and the message.

Be honest ‘your plans sound wonderful and I’m sure that sister will love it, but I’d find it difficult to cope with an evening like that. It is a celebration of (sister) and I would hate to derail that by coming along to an event that I know would make me extremely anxious. I hope you all have a wonderful time, and I’ll be sure to have a quieter catch up with (sister) separately’

How they react to that is up to them, not to you, but I think that inventing an excuse is probably the part the annoys people when you cancel plans. There’s also a chance that if you are very clear about the reasons, they might think about organising something different in the future, or pose your invites in a less formal, not optional way

No is a full sentence, just send your apologies with no excuse and say you can’t make it

Stop getting worked up by this. Send a message today saying ’Thank you for the invite but unfortunately I have dental surgery that week so won’t be able to attend.’

Then stop thinking about it, apart from sending your sister a card & gift nearer the time.

More I read more I think you red to be honest with your niece.

The younger generation are more understanding of ND and challenges, and it sounds like she’s been raised by the kindest of your wider family. Tell her the truth. Thank her for including you but explain why you don’t feel you can do it. (Make sure you are clear she should still go ahead with the meal for the rest of the family and you aren’t asking her to change the plan!)

Invite your lovely sister to celebrate with you some way you feel you can cope with for a date after the surprise party (so you don’t feel stressed on the day with your sister that you’ll accidentally spoil the surprise!).

I can’t believe so many people are encouraging you to lie your way out of this. Don’t, it’s rude and childish. Just be honest about why this is hard, as others have said your family are probably well aware.
you do have some time to prepare for the event though to try and find ways to make it more doable for you and you have your husband to support you with this.

i do think there is a lack of compassion in your OP though. It sounds very critical of your family who I don’t see have done anything wrong. Would you prefer that they just didn’t invite you at all? Try to
have some thought for the sister who’s big birthday you will miss.

If you don’t want to go don’t go. But you have to accept that when you repeatedly stay away from events that are important to your family that affects relationships. So don’t complain if one day they stop including you even where you would like to be included and do participate. And understand that you might upset your sister.

Don’t dump a heap of excuses on them. Just say you won’t be able to attend. Sounds like they’re used to you not turning up - at least have the courtesy to decline in advance.

I would thank them and say how much it means to you to be included in the invite. I would then explain (very briefly) that you think it would be too much after all the medical procedures especially as you find big events and travel quite overwhelming even when you are 100% physically fit. I would add that you hope everyone has a wonderful time. I would also send a gift.

You don't have to go. Just decline and then do your own thing. You don't even have to give a reason.

If it's big do and you are not close they won't even miss you.

Say you have surgery so will be recovering.

I would be honest about why you are declining. Autism is hereditary and there will be other and perhaps younger members of the family who will be on the spectrum. It's best if people are honest and make accommodations, which includes accepting that you can't make it with holding a grudge. Send your sis a huge bunch of flowers, nice chocolate or a lovely voucher for a spa. Free yourself from these expectations, they're fun and social for some and traumatising for others. Be true to yourself and honest with your family.

Actually the same niece did not invite me to a christening a while ago. I was relieved but my sister was very annoyed about it! The other sister, not her mother.

Hi Niece, thank you for the invitation. Unfortunately we won’t be able to make it but I hope you all have a lovely time celebrating. Catch up soon, love auntie x