To not go to my sister's surprise big birthday dinner

[Greysowhat]

I'm autistic and the youngest sibling by 12 years and not particularly close to any of them except 1 sister who understands me better than the others and is very empathetic about all things in the world. It's a different sisters big birthday coming up and her daughter is arranging a surprise party/dinner just before Christmas. I got the invite yesterday and have been filled with anxiety ever since. The thoughts of going has really upset me. I've always hated these family dinner parties. They fill me with dread and it's worse the older I get. I have anxiety about them for weeks and weeks in advance, it's like a constant black cloud on the horizon.

The dinner is a 70 minute drive away and I find the trip itself extremely anxiety causing and I'm exhausted by the time I get there. Then at the thing they are all so polite with each other it's like dinner at Downton Abbey with all the careful small talk until they all have a few drinks and at least then they relax a bit but I am rigid with tension for the first few hours and can barely say anything, I just sit there trying to smile. It can take me over a week to get over the burn out effect of one of these events. I haven't gone to most of them in recent years.

I have a lot on between now and then too, dental treatment including extractions, eye surgery, 3 hospital appointments for that. Work being done on the kitchen. My carefully constructed routine that keeps me right is already messed up and now this invite has me agonising.

So AIBU to think of declining giving the above reasons? Or am I a selfish bitch for thinking of not going to my sister's surprise party?

I honestly think you should tell them the truth. You’re not likely to change so best to let them know exactly what the situation is rather than keep having to think of a different excuse every time.

I declined. I feel shit now! 😩😅

It is done now send her a card and some birthday flowers, we can only do what we can manage sometimes,

Don’t feel shite, you’ve done the right thing, you would have made yourself ill with worry if you were to try and go. It’s better to decline now than flake at the last moment after agonising over it for however long.
My DS wouldn’t be able to attend such an event, too many people, noise, chit chat, sensory overload etc. Some people understand and some don’t.
I really think you have done the right thing.

I don’t have any diagnosis but I get massive social anxiety with things like this. As I’ve got older I’ve just started rsvp’ing as soon as invites come out, with a polite “thank you, but I can’t make it”. No further explanation required. In the past I’d accept and then either spend weeks agonising over it and make an excuse to pull out at the last minute or go and feel so uncomfortable that it would leave me feeling drained for days. All my good friends and family still invite me to things, but accept that I’m unlikely to attend. They’re fine with it, and I’m far more relaxed for not forcing myself to attend things I don’t enjoy.

Ah thanks so much for the kind replies. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't a special big birthday party but I'm really thinking about what the lovely sister will think of me. But hopefully she'll understand. And my mother won't be impressed with me when she hears! 😅

But you're right, I would make myself sick with anxiety once December comes around.

I will send lovely flowers for the night.

This is my view too. Occasionally we have to do things that are very hard for us because they are important to others or important to show others that we care about them. This is one of those times - it’s not actually about you enjoying the dinner, it’s about your sister enjoying her birthday with all her family around her, showing her they value her enough to come and celebrate with her. It’s unfortunate that you’ve made so many (made up) excuses for previous events that this time, when it sounds like you really don’t have any more capacity to cope with difficult things, you are now feeling unable to use the genuine health reasons without judgement. I absolutely don’t think you have to go to every family event when it takes so much out of you, but if you choose to go to none of them you are actually sending a very clear message to your family. Equally, if they are genuinely unempathetic (that is, you have explained that these things they find easy are very draining for you and they haven’t tried to understand or support you) then they are sending you a very clear message. If you really can’t ever do these gatherings, which may be the case, then I think you should be putting some effort into thinking how you can show you care. Of course, if you actually don’t care about your sister/wider family relationships, then definitely don’t put yourself through the anxiety because you don’t have to do anything for people who you don’t care about (beyond basic politeness/kindness, of course!)

The flowers are a good idea.

I know, you are right. I feel awful now. I will sleep on it for a few nights and see if if I might change my decision. The whole thing has me in a knot of anxiety and stress. Not helped by the bloody fireworks going off for the las hour. 😬

Just play on your Friday appointment and stick to it, i know it isnt ideal but it might be less .hassle.

Don’t be.
remember guilt is easier than resentment.

I don't know what that means

@Greysowhat don't go. Honestly, no one who loves you should expect you to do this. It might be that they've just invited you to be polite and to not exclude you, but don't feel bad. I bet some things that you enjoy, they wouldn't? Personally, I would enjoy a weekend of lectures on Anglo saxons, zoonotic viruses, and slime molds held at a cat cafe. Would I expect my brothers to enjoy it? Nah

It meant that the guilt of not going will be easier to resolve within yourself, compared to the resentment and trauma of trying to go.

But won't the guilt stay with me for a long time whereas the resentment will be gone the day after the party, taken over by the relief that it's over. I feel terrible guilt now. I might go after all, I know it would be the right thing to do. Oh GOD ! ! ! !

You don’t have to lie. Just decline. Put yourself first

OP, whether or not you attend this party, you need to find a way of managing your anxiety. Regardless of your autism diagnosis, there will be things you can do — it is not good for anyone to be thrown into such a level of distress by an invitation.

You’ve declined. Now put it out of your mind.

Has there been any push back from your niece? If your family knows you at all then they invite you so you don’t feel excluded but have no expectation of you attending.

This. Your sister will understand.

I think you just need to be honest with them and show them the first message you posted about this and how it makes you feel. If you can't be honest with family then what hope is there really?

Thanks everyone for the input. I've changed my mind and I'm going to go. I can't do it to my sister to not show up for her special party. I'd never cope with the guilt. I'll deal with the anxiety better!

My anxiety yesterday was exacerbated by it being Halloween! 🙄

I wouldn't go. I no longer attend any family events unless it's literally just calling in for an hour for drinks.
I have a "lovely big family " but there are a lot of inter-politics that I find exhausting and, like you, they make me so anxious for weeks ahead that DP has all but banned me from going (not in a controlling way). I'm also on the spectrum. Any background noise and I can't hear a bloody thing and there's no point me being there.

I have this method: receive a family wedding invite - book a weekend trip away, politely decline invite.

Receive a family meal invite, reply saying I'm working but the kids can come (they love seeing rhe kids) and I'll pick them up after and spend 30mins or so.