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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Birthday fall out

97 replies

Holly1212 · 30/10/2025 21:48

Looking for some advise as I am very close to having a breakdown. There are alot of factors before this but I feel like tonight has been the tipping point.

Short version is that it's my partners birthday and he was very clear he wanted to go away for the week so I have booked a long weekend away which with hotel, travel costs came to £950. I made it clear for his birthday I would pay for everything so all the meals, activities etc. Just to be clear not a special birthday just thought it would be nice as I have a new job.

While here I have paid for everything so far.. every meal, drink, additional dessert etc, while i said i woukd i do feel like it has been abused slightly becuase I am paying. Then tonight after a very expensive meal sat at the table and asked me for £200 for his birthday to help him pay a bill. I was a little shocked. I had already said I would get him some trainers he saw earlier in the day for an 'actual' gift.

Move forward to now.. got back to hotel as agreed about 9pm. Asked me what we were going to do.. so I assumed a nice quiet one even thought his birthday as had a nice time out, plans for all day tomorrow and agreed to go out properly tomorrow amd Saturday night.

Erupted into a massive argument as it's his birthday and I was being boring as didnt wanted to go out. I explained that I didn't feel like it as it had been a long and expensive day. There was no need to just go back out for the sake of it when we have plans all the rest for the 4 days. He has stormed out of the hotel to go out himself.

I feel like I have paid so much money so far for nothing and that he is being ungreatful but he has put it all on me because I wouldnt make an effort.

Is it me?

OP posts:

CoffeeCantata · 31/10/2025 06:37

I think youve been treated appallingly, OP, and I’d be considering my situation. He sounds awful.

Honestly - this makes me roll my eyes. We’ve been together happily for decades and never spent more than £30 on each other’s birthdays. I do think all the childish emphasis on celebrating at great expense and all the expectations and disappointment and offence it causes is a red flag in relationships. I’d be wary of anyone (male or female) who demanded or expected this level of fuss and expense on their birthdays. It’s immature and to me, a turn-off.

Linenpickle · 31/10/2025 06:56

Have you got kids with this leach? Don’t give him the £200 and review this relationship as he’s nasty.

ClairDeLaLune · 31/10/2025 08:32

He’s a taker and a user, please dump him. Do you have children with him?

Grammarnut · 31/10/2025 12:02

Bobiverse · 30/10/2025 22:07

Why have you stayed with him after he revealed his true behaviour? Or if you don’t leave then why not at least behave with some self respect. Why have you paid for this trip the way you have, and handed him cash and trainers?

At what point will you tell him he is selfish fucker?

Show quote history

He's not selfish, he is an abuser, gaslighting you OP. That's why he is telling you everyone thinks you should have paid for his car! Leave him. Run far, far away!

August1980 · 31/10/2025 19:42

Oh how awful for you! He does sound a bit spoil but I just wanted to say my husband is incredibly outgoing. We can have back to back busy days and nights and it wouldn’t bother him. I am outgoing too but I will need a day:night/afternoon off! Maybe he is just like my hubby? Perhaps a quiet night on his actual birthday wasn’t the right call but still he doesn’t deserve you!!

bigboykitty · 31/10/2025 19:46

Time to say 'you must be fucking joking' to this cocklodging grifter.

BellaTrixLeStrange1 · 31/10/2025 19:49

He sounds like a spoilt child!!!

ShenandoahRiver · 31/10/2025 19:50

Are the children his?

ShiftingSand · 31/10/2025 20:24

LBFseBrom · 30/10/2025 23:29

He sounds awful.

I used to pay for things to celebrate my late husband's birthday, once a weeks holiday and once a short break (when we were younger, far less). However, though I wanted to pay for everything, he always chipped in and I remember when it came to paying the hotel bill for the short break, he insisted on taking care of it, no argument.

Your man is selfish and unappreciative, he doesn't realise what a gem he has in you.

Your late husband sounds like a lovely person😊

Horses7 · 31/10/2025 20:38

mbosnz · 30/10/2025 21:53

I'd be feeling a bit like I wasn't being appreciated as a loving, thoughtful and giving partner, but more being perceived as an amenable ATM. And not impressed at all. He's being a rude, spoilt ungrateful brat.

First post nails it as usual!

MMAS · 31/10/2025 21:02

You need an exit plan and be extremely strategic in how you do it i.e. lock down your finances beforehand. I think though that piece of advice is far too late and he has access to everything financial. In which case get a good Lawyer.

Playdoughy · 31/10/2025 23:11

I voted you are unreasonable simply because you found yourself in this situation..it is absolutely not normal to spend that money on a boyfriend and be in a situation where he is perfectly comfortable to ask for more. Him going out himself while you payed to spend time together -- do you know what an actual respectful relationship looks like?
(And btw this is coming from someone who certainly has been a doormat for others on more than few occasions).

therewasafishinthepercolator · 31/10/2025 23:19

He sounds awful. That's a ridiculous way to behave. No excusing it.

What you did was lovely and he threw it in your face. You deserve better. Don't accept it.

Don't spend another penny on him. I'd be checking out, going home and packing his stuff. What a selfish, ridiculous lump.

therewasafishinthepercolator · 31/10/2025 23:23

I just reread your op and it makes me feel so angry on your behalf that he makes you feel this way.

You did a lovely thoughtful thing. He makes you feel you are having a breakdown? That's not love.

Leave this one and give yourself a chance to get what you deserve. Don't give him a chance to make you feel this low again.

Jenpen31 · 31/10/2025 23:25

Run for the hills girl!!!! He sounds vile. So many red flags here in this one post.

FourCatMama · 31/10/2025 23:28

Don't let the door hit him on the ass on the way out.

Rhaidimiddim · 31/10/2025 23:54

This nails it - the ATM bit, and ghe lavk of appreciation.

I'd check out while he's gone.

Fairywingsandroses · 01/11/2025 00:00

Aren’t you tempted to go home while he’s out?

Sockdays · 01/11/2025 02:18

You are being used by him.
Start saving.
You are going to need the money.
You have children with this loser?
Stop paying more.
Start saving to go it alone.

Becky3825 · 01/11/2025 08:11

He is financially abusing you. His attitude is emotionally abusive and that is part of financial abuse too. Despite what you earn. You could be a millionaire this IS FINANCIAL abuse

dottiedodah · 01/11/2025 08:55

I think you are a nice kind ,generous giving soul.He sounds like a manchild with a massive chip on his shoulder. Im guessing he earns less than you, and seems to want a high standard of living at your expense! I dont think he will change really .You have to decide where to go from here

Partypants83 · 01/11/2025 20:56

Horrible abusive man.
You are worth so much more

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