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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday fall out

97 replies

Holly1212 · 30/10/2025 21:48

Looking for some advise as I am very close to having a breakdown. There are alot of factors before this but I feel like tonight has been the tipping point.

Short version is that it's my partners birthday and he was very clear he wanted to go away for the week so I have booked a long weekend away which with hotel, travel costs came to £950. I made it clear for his birthday I would pay for everything so all the meals, activities etc. Just to be clear not a special birthday just thought it would be nice as I have a new job.

While here I have paid for everything so far.. every meal, drink, additional dessert etc, while i said i woukd i do feel like it has been abused slightly becuase I am paying. Then tonight after a very expensive meal sat at the table and asked me for £200 for his birthday to help him pay a bill. I was a little shocked. I had already said I would get him some trainers he saw earlier in the day for an 'actual' gift.

Move forward to now.. got back to hotel as agreed about 9pm. Asked me what we were going to do.. so I assumed a nice quiet one even thought his birthday as had a nice time out, plans for all day tomorrow and agreed to go out properly tomorrow amd Saturday night.

Erupted into a massive argument as it's his birthday and I was being boring as didnt wanted to go out. I explained that I didn't feel like it as it had been a long and expensive day. There was no need to just go back out for the sake of it when we have plans all the rest for the 4 days. He has stormed out of the hotel to go out himself.

I feel like I have paid so much money so far for nothing and that he is being ungreatful but he has put it all on me because I wouldnt make an effort.

Is it me?

OP posts:
Agapornis · 30/10/2025 22:22

They're his kids and he eats the food? He should pay at least proportional to your incomes for childcare and groceries.

Sounds a lot like a cocklodger. Bizarre that he wants you to pay for his new car if it's not a family/shared car.

Sounds like you're both a (outsourcing) nanny with a fanny AND a nurse with a purse!

Okiedokie123 · 30/10/2025 22:36

It sounds like he is having a tantrum because you’ve shut your purse for today. Having had it open all day.
He’s taking you for a fool I think. I’d bin him

Grammarnut · 30/10/2025 22:40

Holly1212 · 30/10/2025 22:03

We have been together 4 years. I recently started a new job which is well paid so because of this he made it clear that I should pay more as I earn more. He recently got a new car and told everyone I wouldn't help him pay towards it. Despite my belief I was as I pay more into bills, all childcare and all food shopping. I just keep getting told everyone things I am in the wrong for not helping.

Show quote history

He's an abuser. The red flag is that you are always in the wrong. Dump him. You can afford to but also you cannot afford not to.
And what on earth is this 'he made it clear' - this sounds like a demand or orders. Bills should be 50/50 surely? And you have a child with this person? Please leave.

Sunflower10S · 30/10/2025 22:47

Do you earn more than him in your new job?
If so I see it as he is not happy with that fact and behaving like this as a way to make you feel shit tbh. He sounds horrible.
Wouldn't a normal reaction after the day you had to cuddle, be thankful and grateful... instead he is being abusive and horrible to you?!

Rosesanddaffs · 30/10/2025 22:53

He’s sounds like a brat! He doesn’t deserve all this effort.

Icecreamisthebest · 30/10/2025 22:53

OP this is really upsetting to read. He has made you doubt yourself so much. Please don't.

He is blatantly using you as a purse. That is incredibly obvious.

Please reach out for some RL emotional support while you consider your next moves.

I hope you consider breaking up. Posters can give you great advice on your legal and financial position if you are willing to share a few more details about which country you live in, ownership of assets, marital status etc. You can have a life where you feel happy and secure and at peace. But I don't think that will happen while you are with this man.

Gilgogirl · 30/10/2025 22:54

Wow, you need to take a long hard look at this man’s morals. He’s demanding that you pay an outstanding bill in the hotel on his birthday expensive hotel getaway that you’ve paid for and has now left you bc you want to relax and whatever and he’s left you in your room after you’ve been more than generous. Ask yourself what’s wrong with this picture. You need to pack up and leave and leave him with the bill and then just block this human turd out of life forever. He’s a cretin, get out now before it’s too late. This man will take you for everything you have if you let him.

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 30/10/2025 22:56

Paying £900 for a birthday is excessive and god only knows why you would say you would pay for everything whilst there.

Gilgogirl · 30/10/2025 22:56

AutumnalCrows · 30/10/2025 21:58

He asked you for £200 to pay a personal bill of his own??

Lol

TheatricalLife · 30/10/2025 22:58

I'm surprised you haven't got the massive ick from that. The asking for £200 to pay for bills as a gift while sitting at an all expenses paid dinner would have made my bits drier than the Sahara, let alone the storming off in a sulk.

Littlemisscapable · 30/10/2025 23:00

Halfblindbunny · 30/10/2025 21:55

What are his good points? because so far he sounds like a complete knob.

This. You haven't convinced us yet... time to get rid of this parasite

MumChp · 30/10/2025 23:00

Holly1212 · 30/10/2025 22:03

We have been together 4 years. I recently started a new job which is well paid so because of this he made it clear that I should pay more as I earn more. He recently got a new car and told everyone I wouldn't help him pay towards it. Despite my belief I was as I pay more into bills, all childcare and all food shopping. I just keep getting told everyone things I am in the wrong for not helping.

Show quote history

You have children together?

Gilgogirl · 30/10/2025 23:02

I don’t mean laugh but I’m stupefied by balls of this person. I hope you can see away out of this relationship bc this isn’t a relationship. This is him demanding you do what he wants and then has a tantrum when you don’t cave. You need to never cave again. This man has shown you who is tonight.. believe him.

Anyahyacinth · 30/10/2025 23:02

I lived with someone who did the storming off on repeat when we were away - older and looking back I think the rows were engineered so he could do what he wanted as a ‘single man’ late at night …beware

Suednymph · 30/10/2025 23:04

Sounds like my ex. Run now. Honestly he sees himself as totally entitled to you and everything you earn, everything about you and I guarantee he gives minimal back. He will not change he will get worse. Save yourself years of heartache and financial pain.

pinkdelight · 30/10/2025 23:12

I think it’s okay that he wanted to go out rather than stay in if you’re away somewhere nice, and it’s a shame the expense has made you not want to go out. However he shouldn’t have kicked off about it and you should be able to talk openly about the cost issue and be more of a team about things rather than having this pressure to spend so much on him, that’s bad. Seems like this has brought something to a head about it being a bad dynamic so perhaps it’s been worth what you paid to find out that he’s not a keeper.

Strangecat · 30/10/2025 23:13

You actually need a reality check.. you paid £900+ for the break, god knows how much for 1 day, planning on getting him trainers £100+? and he is still asking for £200 to pay HIS bill!!!! Wake up!!!!!! He clearly doesn’t care about you.

I took my partner to Paris for a long weekend for his birthday and we both paid for meals, activities, drinks…

He is taking advantage of you and your money, treating you like a mug!

Take your things and leave tomorrow first thing, cancel the rest of the trip. He 10000% doesn’t deserve your kindness. take this opportunity to teach him a lesson.

pinkdelight · 30/10/2025 23:15

MumChp · 30/10/2025 23:00

You have children together?

Show quote history

Oh yikes, I missed that. But maybe they’re OP’s DC not his… grasps at straws…

Gilgogirl · 30/10/2025 23:18

Anyahyacinth · 30/10/2025 23:02

I lived with someone who did the storming off on repeat when we were away - older and looking back I think the rows were engineered so he could do what he wanted as a ‘single man’ late at night …beware

Yup, old man about town using his wife’s money. Ewww. What a catch

ChaToilLeam · 30/10/2025 23:21

Sounds like a scrounging cocklodger to me.

moto748e · 30/10/2025 23:25

He recently got a new car and told everyone I wouldn't help him pay towards it.

Say what, now! 😡

What everyone else said. You've given more than enough reasons, OP.

Suednymph · 30/10/2025 23:26

Anyahyacinth · 30/10/2025 23:02

I lived with someone who did the storming off on repeat when we were away - older and looking back I think the rows were engineered so he could do what he wanted as a ‘single man’ late at night …beware

Same except we were not living together thankfully but yeah he would engineer arguments and storm off so i would be left with the bill. I actually shudder at it all now.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/10/2025 23:28

Holly1212 · 30/10/2025 22:03

We have been together 4 years. I recently started a new job which is well paid so because of this he made it clear that I should pay more as I earn more. He recently got a new car and told everyone I wouldn't help him pay towards it. Despite my belief I was as I pay more into bills, all childcare and all food shopping. I just keep getting told everyone things I am in the wrong for not helping.

Show quote history

What a fucking prick.

Give it two years tops and he will suddenly find a reason to cut back his hours. Then another two and he will stop working altogether but he will frame it all around him "being there for the kids" so you are guilted into it. Then he will be primary carer and when you finally tell him to fuck off, he keeps the house, the kids AND you have to pay maintenance.

You have got yourself a trainee cocklodger. See a solictor, gather up the kid/s and get rid.

LBFseBrom · 30/10/2025 23:29

He sounds awful.

I used to pay for things to celebrate my late husband's birthday, once a weeks holiday and once a short break (when we were younger, far less). However, though I wanted to pay for everything, he always chipped in and I remember when it came to paying the hotel bill for the short break, he insisted on taking care of it, no argument.

Your man is selfish and unappreciative, he doesn't realise what a gem he has in you.

Ydkiml · 30/10/2025 23:29

What an ungrateful immature bell end . He ll only get worse so leave now