Page 3 | Would you expect a thank you

knowingmekniwingyou · 2025-10-30T18:27:34+00:00

Emergency at nursery so we had to collect children. I messaged my friend asking if she needed help to collect her kid as I could take them home on the bus. Didn't bother to respond to the message for an hour. And it wasn't "oh thanks for offering" it was just stating she was busy getting work sorted. Aibu In thinking she could have acknowledged me offering to help her. She goes on about the village and this is the second time I've offered. Other time when she was trying to get someone to look after little one after she had IVF. She didn't even ackoledge me. Ok you may think she doesn't want me to, which is fair enough, but just say "oh thanks I'll bare that in mind". I'm very hormonal today

Rumplestiltz · 30/10/2025 21:34

She is rude. ASC/Asd is no excuse - the first response when someone if offering to do something for you is to say thankyou. We all need to learn this, not make excuses.
its completely reasonable to use the word ick - this is someone who you see as a friend, who has behaved in a way that doesn’t correspond with your values.
and yes some of the responses on this post really underline why society is so atomised, and it seems no one knows how to behave any more.

Original poster

knowingmekniwingyou · 30/10/2025 21:34

Anywherebuthere · 30/10/2025 21:29

I was going to say it was rude but then you mention autism. In that case I'd not hold it against her.

Someone said autism is no excuse but there are varying levels of how people with autism function, no two people are the same.

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I don't understand autism. 121 she seems NT and she's really sociable. She's also mentioned other people offering to help her when she's had to go into surgery etc. so I don't know why she skipped my offer of help

OP posts:

Original poster

knowingmekniwingyou · 30/10/2025 21:35

MasterOfOne · 30/10/2025 21:23

Ok.... you seem to be taking it awfully personally.

Again, not dismissing the interaction, on the surface she was rude, however if I am in the middle of a crisis or respond in haste, i can pften come across rude or blunt.

I sometime have to "catch" myelf and rewrite emails to appear softer and polite.

But if it's really problematic for you, just don't offer again and protect your peace.

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Don't forgot I also had to collect my child. It wasn't a crisis, if was an emergency shutting of the nursery. Not a crisis, just a logistical neighmare having to put down tools.

OP posts:

Original poster

knowingmekniwingyou · 30/10/2025 21:36

MasterOfOne · 30/10/2025 21:23

Ok.... you seem to be taking it awfully personally.

Again, not dismissing the interaction, on the surface she was rude, however if I am in the middle of a crisis or respond in haste, i can pften come across rude or blunt.

I sometime have to "catch" myelf and rewrite emails to appear softer and polite.

But if it's really problematic for you, just don't offer again and protect your peace.

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She picked up messaging me about random shit for the rest of the evening

OP posts:

MasterOfOne · 30/10/2025 21:37

knowingmekniwingyou · 30/10/2025 21:33

From a person in the same emergency? Who offered help, which would put them at a disadvanatge as well (having to collect a car somehow)

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Yes.... just because you would react a certain way in the same emergency does not mean someone else would.

Well done for offering your services and being polite.... people will not always react and respond the way you would like or expect.

Its up to you to decide how to respond in that situation... you can ignore, challenge her or don't offer again.

Coconutter24 · 30/10/2025 21:39

knowingmekniwingyou · 30/10/2025 21:19

Make a word for friends because shes given me the equivalent

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She’s annoyed you?
It would be interesting to know what she actually replied to you because you mention she says something about work which could be why she didn’t say much?

Thelicaandlemontrees · 30/10/2025 21:40

Ahhh mumsnet. Where having basic societal expectations is seen as being precious and needy.

Op, I had a friend who often did this. She would be in a pickle and needed money or childcare or a lift or some kind of help. I would tell her I could lend her money or take her kids etc. She always found a way to tell me she didn't need my help which involved not saying thank-you. Sometimes she would just say she didn't need it and sometimes would just ignore it. I remember once offering to lend her hundreds of pounds and she didn't even acknowledge it. When she DID take me up on my offer, she didn't say thank you. I did babysit for her three times and each time she didn't say thank-you. On her birthday or Chrostmas I would hand her the gift and she would smile and say 'oh lovely'...but never a thank you. She would get out of the car if you gave her a lift and say 'bye, see you next week'. She never ever said thank-you. The joke is that she often talks about her impeccable manners, and to my amusement told us, incredulously, that someone accused her of being rude. She literally said 'ME!!!! You all know what a stickler I am for good manners!'

We have been friends since school and she has got better as time has gone on, but I definitely have suspected that she is on the spectrum for a very long time. In her mind she IS a veryammerly person. I don't go out of my way to offer her help and I prepare myself that she won't say thank you when I do. I stopped agreeing to babysit for her when her child was young but didn't have the communication skills to tell her why at the time. It's a shame as I loved kids and was happy to do it until I felt like I was being used.

Saying thank you is an act designed to please the other person. I say thank you for allammer of things that I'm not even grateful for, such as when the girl in the shop hands me my receipt or when someone gives me 5p change that I'm entitled to anyway. It's a thing we do for other people so they feel valued and respected. Saying thank you should be a reflex every time someone gives you something, offers something or does something for you. To me it's so weird to not thank someone for offering to help but OP I would try not to take it too personally. It's not normal to ignore an offer of help like that and so she probably does that to everyone. Don't take it to heart.

MasterOfOne · 30/10/2025 21:40

knowingmekniwingyou · 30/10/2025 21:35

Don't forgot I also had to collect my child. It wasn't a crisis, if was an emergency shutting of the nursery. Not a crisis, just a logistical neighmare having to put down tools.

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Okay.... and??

Again, I am fully aware you was offering a favour, your additional comments doesn't change what I said. ..yes she was rude in the lack of acknowledgement.....

Unless you tell her you're offended, what else would you like her to do if she doesn't comento this realisation alone?

blackwhitepink · 30/10/2025 21:45

Justcallmedaffodil · 30/10/2025 19:53

So you made an unsolicited offer to collect her DC because you were already collecting yours? And she didn’t need you to. I’m not sure why she’d be thanking you for offering help she didn’t ask for or need.

This.

Butterflywings84 · 30/10/2025 21:45

you have said she “didn’t bother” replying for an hour but then she did reply to say she was busy getting work sorted. It sounds like she was busy trying to sort her own arrangements out and maybe didn’t even see your message until later. It sounds like a factual reply. Thanks would have been nice but I’m not sure it sounds intentionally rude in that scenario (especially if she does have autism and is perhaps more factual generally). Either way if you only want to offer to help to get thanks and appreciation for it then don’t offer again. If you want to offer to be genuinely helpful then you perhaps just need to accept your friend as she is and presume that if she did in fact need your help then she would accept it. Also whilst she may have mentioned having offers of help from people before there is nothing to suggest she actually thanked them for it.

MasterOfOne · 30/10/2025 21:51

Would help to clarify what kind of friend she is?

Do you feel comfortable telling her she was rude and upset you today?

Or is she more of an acquaintance/fairweather friend?

Long term bestie that you share everything?

Netcurtainnelly · 30/10/2025 22:07

Yanbu people often dlnt behave the way we would expect though.

Original poster

knowingmekniwingyou · 30/10/2025 22:22

Butterflywings84 · 30/10/2025 21:45

you have said she “didn’t bother” replying for an hour but then she did reply to say she was busy getting work sorted. It sounds like she was busy trying to sort her own arrangements out and maybe didn’t even see your message until later. It sounds like a factual reply. Thanks would have been nice but I’m not sure it sounds intentionally rude in that scenario (especially if she does have autism and is perhaps more factual generally). Either way if you only want to offer to help to get thanks and appreciation for it then don’t offer again. If you want to offer to be genuinely helpful then you perhaps just need to accept your friend as she is and presume that if she did in fact need your help then she would accept it. Also whilst she may have mentioned having offers of help from people before there is nothing to suggest she actually thanked them for it.

Edited

Thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

knowingmekniwingyou · 30/10/2025 22:24

Thelicaandlemontrees · 30/10/2025 21:40

Ahhh mumsnet. Where having basic societal expectations is seen as being precious and needy.

Op, I had a friend who often did this. She would be in a pickle and needed money or childcare or a lift or some kind of help. I would tell her I could lend her money or take her kids etc. She always found a way to tell me she didn't need my help which involved not saying thank-you. Sometimes she would just say she didn't need it and sometimes would just ignore it. I remember once offering to lend her hundreds of pounds and she didn't even acknowledge it. When she DID take me up on my offer, she didn't say thank you. I did babysit for her three times and each time she didn't say thank-you. On her birthday or Chrostmas I would hand her the gift and she would smile and say 'oh lovely'...but never a thank you. She would get out of the car if you gave her a lift and say 'bye, see you next week'. She never ever said thank-you. The joke is that she often talks about her impeccable manners, and to my amusement told us, incredulously, that someone accused her of being rude. She literally said 'ME!!!! You all know what a stickler I am for good manners!'

We have been friends since school and she has got better as time has gone on, but I definitely have suspected that she is on the spectrum for a very long time. In her mind she IS a veryammerly person. I don't go out of my way to offer her help and I prepare myself that she won't say thank you when I do. I stopped agreeing to babysit for her when her child was young but didn't have the communication skills to tell her why at the time. It's a shame as I loved kids and was happy to do it until I felt like I was being used.

Saying thank you is an act designed to please the other person. I say thank you for allammer of things that I'm not even grateful for, such as when the girl in the shop hands me my receipt or when someone gives me 5p change that I'm entitled to anyway. It's a thing we do for other people so they feel valued and respected. Saying thank you should be a reflex every time someone gives you something, offers something or does something for you. To me it's so weird to not thank someone for offering to help but OP I would try not to take it too personally. It's not normal to ignore an offer of help like that and so she probably does that to everyone. Don't take it to heart.

Thank you

OP posts:

Splendidbouquet · 30/10/2025 23:08

NinaGeiger · 30/10/2025 20:17

Staggered by the voting results. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.
I'd be beyond grateful if someone offered to collect my children

I'm quite staggered by some of the replies.

There are routinely threads on MN about people finding a total lack of civility and manners in their every day life. And quite a few of the replies on this thread highlight how many people actually don't set any value on consideration and manners.

RandomMess · 30/10/2025 23:27

Someone nailed it about that her reply was factual. The stress of the situation would highly likely impact her ability to remember to use the required thank you etc. As in she would like find us proportionally more stressful than the op because of her ASC as it’s unpredictable and out of routine. Probably very much on the zone of sorting work out to leave and not able to deal with anything else.

It is very challenging for many people with ASC to “remember their manners” because it’s something not seen as necessary.

It’s like those work emails with all the shit in them instead of bullet points of what needs to be done. Then you waste time trying to work out what they are asking, do the tasks which are part of responsibility and get another email saying thank you. Wasting more time and energy even if it’s just to hit the delete button.

I wouldn’t be offended or think it’s rude if someone didn’t say thank you.

MasterOfOne · 30/10/2025 23:48

I think pp nailed it.... it's about is the ops reponse proportional to the situation detailed.... in reality no.

All those posters "staggered by the reponses" whats so interesting to me is how we (and I'll make the assumption thst we are majority women) have to be so unfailingly polite and apologetic in every interaction.

The op literally stated she offered something, and is upset by lack of acknowledgment.

Really... in the grand scheme of things, this truly isn't a big deal and not society going downhill.

MasterOfOne · 30/10/2025 23:48

Edited as double posted

Original poster

knowingmekniwingyou · 30/10/2025 23:48

RandomMess · 30/10/2025 23:27

Someone nailed it about that her reply was factual. The stress of the situation would highly likely impact her ability to remember to use the required thank you etc. As in she would like find us proportionally more stressful than the op because of her ASC as it’s unpredictable and out of routine. Probably very much on the zone of sorting work out to leave and not able to deal with anything else.

It is very challenging for many people with ASC to “remember their manners” because it’s something not seen as necessary.

It’s like those work emails with all the shit in them instead of bullet points of what needs to be done. Then you waste time trying to work out what they are asking, do the tasks which are part of responsibility and get another email saying thank you. Wasting more time and energy even if it’s just to hit the delete button.

I wouldn’t be offended or think it’s rude if someone didn’t say thank you.

Shes done it before, in a not stressful situation.

She was talking about childcare and how she had a preplanned hospital appointment and wasn't aure if she wasn't going to be back in time. I volunteered to help, which was ignored. This was for her IVF.

So perhaps she didn't want me to look after him, but all she needed to do was say "thanks but it's ok I'm on my way".

She's been messaging me non urgent stuff all evening so it's not like it's affected her evening

OP posts:

Original poster

knowingmekniwingyou · 30/10/2025 23:49

MasterOfOne · 30/10/2025 23:48

I think pp nailed it.... it's about is the ops reponse proportional to the situation detailed.... in reality no.

All those posters "staggered by the reponses" whats so interesting to me is how we (and I'll make the assumption thst we are majority women) have to be so unfailingly polite and apologetic in every interaction.

The op literally stated she offered something, and is upset by lack of acknowledgment.

Really... in the grand scheme of things, this truly isn't a big deal and not society going downhill.

She moans about having no village and she gets an offer of help and doesn't even say "thanks but no thanks".

She's been ranting about stuff all evening so much that I've muted her

OP posts:

Original poster

knowingmekniwingyou · 30/10/2025 23:50

Splendidbouquet · 30/10/2025 23:08

I'm quite staggered by some of the replies.

There are routinely threads on MN about people finding a total lack of civility and manners in their every day life. And quite a few of the replies on this thread highlight how many people actually don't set any value on consideration and manners.

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Yes exactly.

This is a long list of things with her ATM

OP posts:

MasterOfOne · 30/10/2025 23:52

knowingmekniwingyou · 30/10/2025 23:49

She moans about having no village and she gets an offer of help and doesn't even say "thanks but no thanks".

She's been ranting about stuff all evening so much that I've muted her

Edited

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OP - it's a big deal for you.

You said earlier she complained about no village. I am a single parent too, literally no family around me, I am lucky to have good friends who have supported me. But I still feel very vulnerable witg no immediate family around me no "village"

That's clearly my perspective...

Could that be hers too?

MasterOfOne · 30/10/2025 23:55

And can i go back to my earlier question about your relationship? Are you best friends? Neighbours??

It's hard to understand without knowing how close you two are?

Do you feel comfortable challenging her oj her rudeness?

lazyarse123 · 30/10/2025 23:59

Justcallmedaffodil · 30/10/2025 19:53

So you made an unsolicited offer to collect her DC because you were already collecting yours? And she didn’t need you to. I’m not sure why she’d be thanking you for offering help she didn’t ask for or need.

Maybe because it's the polite thing to do.

MasterOfOne · 31/10/2025 00:02

lazyarse123 · 30/10/2025 23:59

Maybe because it's the polite thing to do.

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Should we always be polite to every unsolicited offer?