Kids clubs and birthdays

[autumngirl714]

How do you approach children’s after school clubs when they clash with close family birthdays?

Do you let your child miss their club so the family can get together, or do you skip the celebration to keep to their usual routine?

In my family, we tend to miss the club, we’re quite a small family, so it feels important to make the effort and be there for birthdays. My sibling, though, always prioritises the clubs, even for milestone birthdays or the younger cousins, which I find a bit of a shame.

Curious how others balance it, do you think it’s fine to miss a week, or is keeping to the routine more important?

Yes I think you’re right. We all have different family dynamics and tradition's don’t we, and tbh nobody is right or wrong really.

I’ve never actually said anything directly to my sibling about this, and I wouldn’t either, I was just interested in others thoughts but I guess it’s quite difficult to compare with were in different situations!

Yes - this is exactly my point and what I’m trying to get across to you @autumngirl714. The actual time spent celebrating may not be “several hours” (or even a couple of hours 🙄) but by the time you’ve done the birthday AND everything else that needs doing on a school night, it’s a lot of time to give up - especially as you say you see each other loads anyway.

Who said anything about expecting people to take time off work 🤯.
But FYI we work office hours so that isn’t an issue.

What normally happens is that we will either pop round after school (so we don’t need to spend an hour getting changed as you suggested) and hang out together, eat and head off home when we want to OR we’ll pop round after tea when they’re already in their pjs which they love doing.

So no, it’s really doesn’t take several hours to pop round and see a relative, Birthday or not. If you want to make it sound like it does, then you certainly can do, but it doesn’t.

I enjoy seeing my family, it’s not a chore. I don’t need to tally the hours up to make it sound like one.

Christ I’m surprised you lot have any times for clubs the amount of time it takes you to get dressed and changed and school reading!

I think if you are seeing them all the time anyway and are round each other's houses all the time, then it doesn't make sense to miss clubs you've paid for at all. You can surely do the birthday bit in the slot where you see each other all the time. Why not do a birthday breakfast before school if you're headed on the school run together?

There's no way we would miss clubs and see cousins on a school day, because it's a 45 mins drive to do so.

We do have really close friends nearby but we fit the cake and presents with them around everyone's work/clubs and commitments. Many of the adults aren't home before 6pm anyway. We always find the nearest day free to do something.

I know families where the dc have sport, tutors or music lessons thay are a lot of money and I would not expect people to miss those at all. Especially for something we can do another time.

@redskydelightalso, don’t word it like I just have this expectation. Me and my family have prioritised birthdays for my whole life. We all do it. So it’s not just me who expects it.
We make the effort with each other, it’s never been an issue until just recently. And it still isn’t an issue, it’s just different and I thought I’d weigh in others opinions.

But you don't all do it?

The whole point of this thread is that your sibling (who presumably had the same upbringing as you) does not share the expectations of you and your parents and you find this (to quote your OP) "a shame".

If I wanted my sibling's family to be there to celebrate my child's birthday, we would discuss it in advance and agree a mutually convenient date. I would not expect them to prioritise a specific date it if it was inconvenient for them.

You are still following your childhood upbringing where you think birthdays must be a the main focus for everyone. Your sibling has reflected on this and decided that seeing a niece/nephew that they see pretty frequently anyway on their actual birthday is not a huge deal. It would be useful for you to reflect likewise - you can't expect other people to fall in with your view of how you'd like things to do done if it doesn't suit them. Perhaps this means changing the birthday day plans to something else. Perhaps it's means celebrating at a weekend. Perhaps it means several different celebrations with different people. As your children get older, you will naturally find that everyone dropping everything because a child in the family has a birthday is going to stop anyway.

Do they help you out with childcare?
Do they invite you out?

You mentioned that you thought missing clubs for birthdays was “the norm” but now isn’t the “the norm” in your family either. And family get together even over the weekend will reduce as the children grow older OP… it’s how things evolve

This this and this

“Prioritised birthdays your whole life”

but now your siblings life is entering a new phase… his children are getting getting older and becoming more committed to clubs and their social life will increase too.

So prepare yourself for more changes OP!

If during the week, why not invite some of your son’s friends over after school for a birthday after school play date?

We don't drop things, especially clubs run by volunteers, for our own birthdays and wouldn't expect friends and family to drop anything either. We celebrate birthdays at a time that suits everyone, and sometimes that means not everyone can make it.

We tend to be business as usual for birthdays, with added cake, presents and birthday person's choice of dinner.

Parties have always been at weekend whether that's family or friends.

We did schlep off to a cousin's Friday night birthday party because it was their 18th on that day. It was a bit of a rush after school, did battle with an infamous section of motorway network at rush hour. It took 2 cars because DH had been working in the opposite direction and it wasn't worth adding extra hours to dog-leg home. The whole thing was 6+ hours. Worth it (and the sunk cost club) for an 18th, but not for a routine birthday.

As an activity leader, at planning we look at the oldest members and what they need to do to complete their badges and awards before moving on, cover their needs then work the rest of the term's programme around that. The number of times you've planned an activity to tick the boxes and the person who needed it most hasn't attended is quite frequent!

I'm not sure whether it's more frustrating to lose the majority of the evening, or to upset the routine and other commitments for a 30 minute pop-in.

If you want family there, plan the celebration for a time when they're avaliable.

I volunteer with a uniformed organisation and it is really demoralising when we have put in a lot of effort and time to prepare activities for the children for them to then not turn up because they have had a better offer that night.

This week we had a Halloween party and a quarter of the children didn't come because there were school discos the same night. We always have food at parties so that meant that we wasted a lot of food and the party wasn't as much fun for those who were there because there were fewer children to play the games.

Would it not make sense to check when schools were having discos first?

I totally get what you’re saying about it being demoralising but I do think it’s normal for kids to attend their school disco.

Personally, when my child’s birthday feel during the week it was all about having school friends over for birthday tea and fun.

Family get together definitely at the weekend.

Can be tricky. My youngest is missing a class for a birthday party this weekend because next week she'll happily go backt o her class and this is a friend who will start school with her in August so we want to foster those friendships for transition.

My eldest, if he misses a class the break in routine can mean he'll never be willing to go back (Neurodivergent) so if prepaid sometimes the class comes first.

From my point of view other parents can do as they please, they know their child better than me

Absolutely this

The children are getting older op
clubs take on a different commitment then - it becomes more serious especially if the children are particularly talented at a sport etc.

So i think you are simply going to accept that was used to happen, isn’t going to happen anymore. And that’s just fine.

I honestly thought this was the norm, but perhaps not on MN!

why did you think it was the “norm” when you’re own sibling doesn’t do it - hence the thread!@autumngirl714 😵‍💫

As a single parent you only have your side of a family's traditions and pressures to fold to. Your sibling has a partner with input and a whole other set of family values to take into account. That's the difference

Plus two children and not one

But now your brother doesn’t have the same view Op. @autumngirl714 Or rather he probably does prioritise his own children’s birthdays, as I do. other close family children…. Weekends.

You keep talking about what was the situation in your family in the past

I think you should celebrate at the weekend when everyone is free.