AIBU to be angry at DH over insults used

[OnePunnyKoala]

DH got into an argument with DS16 over something petty and suddenly called him a "psychopath" as an insult. DS16 then got into another argument with him and said that the language he uses is unacceptable and shouldn't be used in any household. Instead of realising his mistake DH then proceeded to say I will have to start whipping you with a belt. What should I do? Is this common behaviour or completely unacceptable?

If the police officer was being a cunt, I don't see the problem.

Okay..keep tellimg your kids that. Let's see what lovely people they grow into.

Why would you assume that just because someone is older than you, their opinions are to be respected? I know many, many older people with really ridiculous opinions that need challenging. Some are even on this thread.

You can not see the problem all you like. You'll still be arrested though.

No it's not. But it is perfectly possible to have a relationship with your children that doesn’t involve this. I'll wager that in OP's case, the DH is modelling behaviour that the children pick up on.

I don’t think they’ll be harmed by hearing the truth.

This is the thing you don't get. It isnt about whether the child thinks it is right or wrong, it is about the child understanding that they have to submit to their parent's opinion on the matter. Even if they think it is wrong.

This is important because sometimes children don't understand why something is right. They don't have the expeience and knowledge to comprehend why some thiimgs are right or wrong. That is why they need an authority figure who tells them what is right or wrong. Ideally that person is trustworthy, fair and loving.

If they think that they don't have to Obey their parent or other adults unless they agree with their decision, you end up with a little shit. An unemployable little shit at that.

I don’t disagree that the 16yo has probably learnt by example, but I also think it’s standard for teenagers to rebel, assert their independence and get it wrong occasionally.

You are being absolutely ridiculous. There is a world of difference between not allowing your kids to argue with you and being an 'authority' and people going round calling the police cunts. Do you have no ability to see nuance? Your parenting style is unusual in this day and age, yet you believe all children who aren't raised like yours are disrespectful and calling police officers cunts? Btw I wasn't raised like your children and I'm a successful adult who's managed to not get myself arrested yet. why have you hijacked ops thread with your archaic nonsense?

Why would you want your children to submit to someone - ever

Good grief you're ridiculous. It's a miracle we've got anyone with a job in this country at all!

So pleased I've never had to work in a job where I 'submit' to someone.

I haven't hijacked anything. The OP said her son was arguing with his dad. My natural question is why the child would think it is okay to be in an argument with their dad. I think it starts from there: a child believing they have the right to go back and forth with their parent

Your children respecting you isn't ridiculous in most of the world. It's a shame we have so many adults who believe they need to let their children scream their opinions in their face to have raised them to be independent.

Where did Op say anyone was screaming in faces?

Didn't say the OP did. I have just had this conversation with parents before. The idea that having any authority over your children is oppressing them is a pervasive one in certain families.

@MyWorthyDenimFinch

Yes I do. My kids dont believe they are equal to their parents or other older family members so would not find it appropriate to stand up and "argue" with us. They respect authority. They understand that they are children and the adults around them ultimately make the rules and they have to follow them

Good grief your home sounds like North Korea. Most people don’t live like this and that’s not a bad thing.

It is a bad thing when your children cannot be told anything because they think they are equal to all adults. We now have some of the most violent, unproductive, harmful children we have ever had across many generations. It's no wonder why when parents think they are their mates.

Seems like the child has better judgement than the adult in this situation. Teenagers shouldn't be taught to blindly respect authority figures. It's also on the parent to manage communication and not become embroiled in arguments with a child.

100%

As PP mentioned, healthy conflict in the work place is a skill.

Children practice this skill with thier parents. It is the parents role to hold boundaries and ensure the conflict stays respectful and constructive.

Children do have rights, lots of them in fact. The UN wrote a whole list. As parents we aim to raise independent, assertive thinkers who can respectfully raise issues when something is wrong.

OP, I would be proud of your son for, correctly, raising that your H's language is not acceptable.

Maybe if DH was given a safe space to learning debating and conflict skills as a child, his reaction to being corrected would have been less defensive.

Children should blindly accept their parent's authority. And their teachers for that matter. Do they need to accept the authority of a guy on the bus? No. But their parents and the school their parents have put them in? Yes.

Again, this is why we have the trouble that we do with children these days. They've been led to believe they can decide where and when to do as their told by their own bloody parents!

Evidence for some of your ridiculous statements might help your cause

Your mistaking "children have rights" with "children have equal authority to their parents". This is why we are in the state we are today

School refusal is up. Serious youth violence is up. Antisocial behaviour is up. Just need to read the papers.

@MyWorthyDenimFinch
So how do you believe families should approach these situations where, as you've already commented, the parents are not always right?

And does this "obey your parents" mentality continue forever, even when the "child" is well into adulthood? If not, at what age do they get a say? If it does continue, how does that work when the "child" is in the prime of adult life but the "parent" is now elderly and potentially with declining cognitive faculties and/or less understanding of how the world works as things have moved on?

Parent says "You must do A" or "A is the correct view here" etc.
Child (apparently even soon to be adult child) disagrees. You believe they should not challenge their parent.

Do they then:
a) prioritise obeying their parent, even though the outcome will be bad because the parent is wrong? And the child now has to suffer the consequences of a decision they disagree with.

b) ostensibly agree with their parent but silently do what they believe is right? (so now introducing deception and lack of integrity, but a better practical outcome)
c) something else? (please explain)

As you have eliminated:
d) explain to parent, who should, as an adult, have decent emotional regulation, why they disagree, and then discussing/exploring the issue, both explaining their perspectives and coming to the best outcome by having explored multiple perspectives, which includes the parent's possibly more broad or experienced understanding of the issue.

Can you please also explain, if children are not allowed to argue with parents, how do they develop the skills to make good judgements when they themselves are parents to children? Or do they simply pass on the "I have authority and should be respected" perspective, regardless of whether their level of education and understanding merits them having this degree of authority?

I see people are piling on, but maybe you can explain in a way that will promote understanding rather than polarise disagreement.

Are there any limits to your view on accepting parental authority? For example, what should an child do if their parent is abusive, or if the parent believes a child should follow a course at school/career which the child does not want to, or if the parent wants/does not want the (adult) child to have a relationship with a certain person or type of person?

@MyWorthyDenimFinch

Children should blindly accept their parent's authority. And their teachers for that matter. Do they need to accept the authority of a guy on the bus? No. But their parents and the school their parents have put them in? Yes.

OK let’s play this out a bit. Lets imagine I’m someone with a father who has been sexually abusing me for years. Should I constantly accept his “authority”? Lets say my parents are members of a cult and they hand me over to the leaders of the cult to manage me in a Scientology style 1000 year contract. Should I accept this unimpeachable authority? What if my parents keep me off school because they don’t believe women should be educated or feed me a starvation diet?

Your logic is ridiculous. Of course there’s a place for parental authority but not at the expense of common sense, compassion and the law. In this specific scenario the father is very clearly not deserving of authority and has clearly undermined his children’s respect for him through poor behaviour and inappropriate language. Why should he get to retain loyalty like a feudal king due to the accident of being their progenitor?