DH argues non stop and it's making me miserable

[blmom]

DH has a high paid job, I'm a SAHM and we have a 5y DS. I do absolutely everything for DC, have no support whatsoever as we live far away from both families due to DH's job.
I would love to work, but I feel like a single parent as well as the only source of attention my DS has. We have friends and I do my best to allow DS to socialise, but everybody has their lives.
DH works from home and sleeps until 9am. Finishes work around 6pm and has the evening for himself. I also think he is autistic. He has no interest in socialising with anyone. Only talks to me and to his mom. Never wants to go out with DS. Parenting for him is watching TV all day long while DS is on a tablet. Same when we are on holiday. He just doesn't have a lot of energy to do much.

He has a lot of energy to argue though. Endless arguments on a loop about the most trivial things. I ask to stop multiple times. I say it's not the right moment. He simply doesn't stop until I break. Then I have "anger problems".
Example: I'm hosting a halloween party Friday for the kids. He took 3 days off. I asked him to have DS for one day so I can clean and organise the house. I asked if he can take DS out to the barbers, etc. He said he will do whatever he wants (watching TV) and I don't have a say in that. He has been arguing about it for 24 hours.

I think this is extremely draining to our relationship. I feel I'm wasting my life in a relationship where I have to shut down anything I want if I want to live in peace.

My question is: Is it normal to argue so much and so long for trivial things? Is it too much to ask my partner to have a day out with DS?

He has a half sister who is autistic level 3 of support but doesn't accept there is anything wrong with him.

I am so miserable. What would you do in my position?

Leave and take your 50%. Fuck this guy

I think the bait & switch is sometimes what it looks like when neurological conditions (eg ASD) progress over time. It is quite normal for someone on the spectrum to lose higher functioning abilities in some areas as they and their brain age. He may not have deliberately mis-sold himself but he certainly has very limited capacity for change now.

I agree with other commenters that IF you leave you must prepare thoroughly first. Think through child access arrangements and legal custody (will he cause constant arguments after separation too?) My exH has dragged us through years of family court simply because he cannot bring himself to agree to anything that was offered. He is now facing a child maintenance figure 4 times what I originally requested, and 70% less visitation time than originally offered. He has been humiliated in court due to his argumentative nature and ASD-typical, literal answers that come across as facetious. But this has cost me my life savings and caused me untold emotional stress. Be warned - these men may not be easy to divorce!

You are welcome to PM me any time.

I would leave that man’s sorry arse quicker than stink. What a prick.

There’s a support group on meet-up for adults with adults/ spouses of partners with autism

Where is that?

You're a lawyer and he's a high earner? Get a job and a childminder get back on your own two feet immediately. Then leave him.

Am sure this is a silly question, but if he works from home why do you have to live hundreds of miles away from family and support?

Exactly! I have the same question! We live here because he goes to the office 1 or 2 times a month. My family lives in another country. His family lives is Devon. He also doesn't want to drive to see his family. He has no friendship with his siblings.
Result: my DS has no contact with other family members and he is terribly lonely. And that's why I gave my everything to him since he was born.
But it doesn't stop there. We tried to live in my country after covid. The deal was I would provide and he would assist with DC. He didn't. I was never able to switch off from DC (basic things like making a packed lunch for school). I was actually caring more responsibilities than before. I therefore decided to come back to the UK as here he would work.

We live in an amazing town now. However, I would have never chosen such an isolated life for my DC if I knew all of this.

This mirrors my best friends experience entirely. His submissions to court are so embarrassing I can’t bear to recall them but he sank £50k of their assets (To date- they’re nowhere near finished) in his quest to be right.

OP you must prepare first, please. At the moment you have no income and you will need some .

he sounds horrible, i hope you find the courage to leave or get him to leave

What happened to all those long-running threads for people with autistic partners on the Relationships board?

Your story is so, so similar to many on those threads, OP.

the thing is, he’s acting this way cause in his head he’s bringing in the finances and contributing in that way. So this is why women should always maintain some sort of career/financial freedom, so men like him don’t use it against you.

My first ever LTB!

Here is the latest thread OP.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5355546-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-16?page=1

You are not alone.

It’s not normal no, and it’s damaging for children to have that type of dynamic modelled to them. Even when people think their kids have no idea about the arguing or how kid themselves into thinking the kids don’t know how miserable the main caregiver is, they sense it.

Does he think he’s autistic? And if he does and he isn’t willing or able to engage with parenting courses and therapy so that he can provide and emotionally safe environment for his wife and child, then you’re still in the same shit situation and your child is being taught that this is what relationships look like.

Im not a LTB type of poster and I know it’s not easy, I know some women choose to stay because they’re financially dependant, or feel like the “together” environment is better than a “broken home” but I also know and have worked with people who’ve ended up with various MH issues due to being raised in an environment where some minor inconvenience sets of fights. If your son ends up in a relationship where his partner treats him and his child like your husband treats you and his son, what would your advice be? Whatever it would be, follow that.

He doesn't think he is autistic at all. However, I have pointed out he has no friendships, no relationship with his siblings, no interest in doing anything rather than watching TV and eating. He is also not depressed. He spends hours laughing at comedy videos all by himself. He avoids people at all costs.
Apparently I'm the problematic one, despite the fact that I have multiple solid relationships with family members and friends for decades.
I didn't stay because I am financially dependent. I stayed because I couldn't cope leaving my son 50% of the time with him, knowing he would throw a tablet on his face for hours and hours.
Considering how difficult he is, I know he will want to stay with DC as much as he can to punish me.
Your advice was amazing. I'm reflecting on it. Thank you x

I hadn’t read your post about your childhood when I posted, your childhood is similar to mine and that of other women I know and it’s a headfuck when you realise your whole life and decisions have been shaped by something you didn’t know wasn’t ok. This reply will be long.

There’s a certain type of man who get drawn to women who had childhoods like ours, if your brain and entire world view was influenced by a narcissistic then it leaves you vulnerable to attracting other narcissists or abusive people and a lot of your husbands patterns match the controlling and abusive man script, yih saying he doesn’t think he even has any issues and it’s all you, is the same pattern a narcissist would have. The key thing for me that makes think this isn’t autism is you saying he’s try and have 50/50 just to punish you. That shows me that his hand off and current lazy parenting is fuck all to do with autism or being overwhelmed and everything to do with keeping you in your place. If he genuinely thought your expectations are too high and the way things are is normal, he’d not suddenly be able to be a full time parent 50 per cent of the time. I also imagine that if you were to stick your child in front of a screen all the time he’d be quick to pull you up about it? So again showing it’s fuck all to do with what he thinks is best for the child, but what punishes you and I bet that’s what behind his constant arguing with you.

By time you met him you’ve probably already developed some heavy people pleasing coping strategies, probably already had lots of experience of telling yourself if you just do this, or just do that, or lower your needs, be less demanding, be more patient, be more anything, then you’ll get the type of love you need, even if you weren’t conscious of them, having your brain shaped by a narcissistic grooms you to put their feelings first, and it leaves you vulnerable to doing the same when someone else comes along with the same traits and patterns.

Him taking you away from your family, him not wanting to go out, may not be due to autism but limiting the combats you have with others and reducing the chances of you making friends and reducing chances of someone telling you that you deserve better, it reduced the support you can have and stops you making him look bad to others, and I kind do think him choosing to plonk his child in front of screens the whole time also means you won’t ask him to parent his child more so you can have some downtime. Him working from home may also be so he can monitor and keep tabs on what you do all day.

I relate to you being worried you’ve repeated cycles for your child, it’s a frightening space to be and I had all these worries when I had my own child, I’m going to be honest and say that I know I have repeated some cycles, I’ve broken lots but I’ve tolerated behaviour I should not have, because I didn’t know any different.

My advice to you would be not to fall into a trap of looking for a way to convince yourself that he can’t help how he is and that it’s autism, be open to the idea he could be like your mum . I understand why you’d not want him alone with your son 50 percent of the time, if you’re stuck there for the time being then my advice would be to keep having the therapy you’re having, two years might sound like a long time but being raised by a narcissist takes a shit load of unpacking and there’s gonna be times it feels too scary to keep going. Keep doing what you’re doing with trying to make sure your son has friends, maybe consider therapy for him when he’s a bit older so that he has a neutral person to talk to.

Try and get yourself some friends, I know it’s hard when you can’t go out and can’t rely on your husband for childcare so you’re gonna need to be creative with it, my closest friends are online friends that started from a shared hobby group on reddit, I “speak” to them every single day for the last 8 years, and with time they know all about my past, sometimes it’s easier to open up to someone who you’re not going to bump into on the school run or gossip about you.

Im gonna finish by saying I’m really sorry you’re in this situation, you didn’t deserve the start in life you had and you don’t deserve this now.

Thank you for your reply. I read it many times and I'm still processing it in my brain. It's so hard to think he is abusive and narcissistic, but I heard that before from other people. I'm planning what to do.
I wish you all the best. You have no idea how much you helped me xxx

Hi OP, how are you doing?

OP, I grew up with a father like that, and I have to tell you it not only makes life miserable for the kids as well, it also pretty much ensures that if you have a daughter, she’s going to grow up and have relationships with men who aren’t good to her, as THIS is her example.

this is miserable (spoiler alert: even though I begged my mum to leave him when I was 12 and 17 and 30, she’s still with him and he’s even worse. He ruins every fun time and every holiday.)

if you can’t leave make plans to leave, it would be a gift to your future self and to your children.

im so sorry. It’s a miserable thing to endure.

Sorry OP, I’ve not read the full thread, just your posts. I hope you’re ok? I really empathise with you.

i was wondering how old your child is. If they are due to start school in the next year or two, that could be your opportunity to start working again and get your financial freedom. And also having a network of mum friends would really help you. Are there mums from the nursery whose children may end up at school with yours?

I really hope you find the strength to leave but it might take a bit of preparation, legal advice, and building a friendship network for yourself too.

Me too.
You need a divorce.
You cannot live with someone who is pathologically unable to cooperate. The stress will make you seriously ill.

People say you can separate out the unreasonable, selfish behaviour from the autism, but I'm not so sure. My DH fits the ASD profile exactly. He too could start an argument in an empty room. And once he starts, he cannot be stopped, agreed with, reasoned with, or allow that any other viewpoint is possible.

I can see that it physically distresses him not to demolish an opinion different from his... and by association, the person holding it. Which is usually me, but on occasion extends to family members and the dwindling number of friends we have left. I recently read a Reddit thread on this, which was very enlightening and gave me some comfort.

On the plus side (which complicates things, and confirms his view that he's right and everyone else is wrong) - he can also be very observant, kind, sensitive and helpful, sometimes more than I am. He is loyal, reliable, principled and super-diligent, as well as being super intelligent. Bills are paid, finances well managed, repairs are done, contingencies planned for, he's made the house easy to run. He constantly needs to be either learning or doing. He can't positively relax, or god forbid cut the odd corner - don't dare suggest it!!

That laser focus, combined with the rigid thinking and inability to engage in normal back-and-forth discussion - is exhausting, and often deeply hurtful and confusing to the partner. Latest example: I've been doing pilates for years, and have long been (gently) suggesting that it would be really good for him too. But because over those years I didn't find the exact form of words to explain the concept of 'stretching' to him - it's my fault that he's ended up stiff as a board with back problems.

Sorry for the long post, but finally I wanted to share a reply from that Reddit thread I linked to, which shows how one partner approaches it. It's not exactly comforting, but is at least an insightful response from someone who's grappled with this sh*t for many years:
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"1. I will never feel validated and that’s ok. That doesn’t mean my feelings don’t matter. It means his will always trumps mine and I need to stop seeking understanding from him. He literally cannot see it any other way than his way. If I need to hash something out, I go to one of my adult daughters or a friend. You can’t ask someone to fix something when they don’t have the tools available. If he can’t, he can’t.

2. He cannot see what I would deem as logic. His rigid thoughts are cemented. No matter how much I hurt, there’s no changing his mind until he decides differently, if he ever does. So don’t argue. Don’t use emotion. He doesn’t have a natural sense of empathy, so he can’t feel me. Rarely. If he does, it’s because I didn’t overreact and get him all keyed up first.

3. I might as well learn to discuss what is on his mind, and learn that I may not get to share what’s going on with me. If I get offended by that and try to make him see how he’s making me feel, it becomes an argument of how I abused him for years and years and that’s why he is that way. If I instead say “When you are finished telling me about “xyz”, I have a couple things I want to share with you!” I can at least get his attention and feel somewhat listened to. He feels threatened if I approach him as if he has a shortcoming where I’m concerned.

4. It’s a lonely life. I wouldn’t leave him if he had cancer, or if he was missing a limb. ASD is no reason for me to leave now. So I will be content to pour myself into our kids and grandkids and love him the way he needs to be loved. I’ll find my joy and contentment without tying it to our marriage. That’s not for everyone, but it’s what I know to be right for me. Good enough. There are amazing days where he really tries to make me happy. I will revel in those.

I’m not looking for sympathy, I’ve just finally at 50 had an epiphany on trying to find my worth through someone’s opinion and understanding of me. Once I removed the emotion from it, I can love him the way he needs to be loved and endure the rough patches. It’s definitely not for everyone, but it works for us."
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It doesn't sound like a life most of us would have chosen, but if MN teaches us anything it's that there are worse marriages out there. Hope this helps, OP. You're certainly not alone.

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