DH argues non stop and it's making me miserable

[blmom]

DH has a high paid job, I'm a SAHM and we have a 5y DS. I do absolutely everything for DC, have no support whatsoever as we live far away from both families due to DH's job.
I would love to work, but I feel like a single parent as well as the only source of attention my DS has. We have friends and I do my best to allow DS to socialise, but everybody has their lives.
DH works from home and sleeps until 9am. Finishes work around 6pm and has the evening for himself. I also think he is autistic. He has no interest in socialising with anyone. Only talks to me and to his mom. Never wants to go out with DS. Parenting for him is watching TV all day long while DS is on a tablet. Same when we are on holiday. He just doesn't have a lot of energy to do much.

He has a lot of energy to argue though. Endless arguments on a loop about the most trivial things. I ask to stop multiple times. I say it's not the right moment. He simply doesn't stop until I break. Then I have "anger problems".
Example: I'm hosting a halloween party Friday for the kids. He took 3 days off. I asked him to have DS for one day so I can clean and organise the house. I asked if he can take DS out to the barbers, etc. He said he will do whatever he wants (watching TV) and I don't have a say in that. He has been arguing about it for 24 hours.

I think this is extremely draining to our relationship. I feel I'm wasting my life in a relationship where I have to shut down anything I want if I want to live in peace.

My question is: Is it normal to argue so much and so long for trivial things? Is it too much to ask my partner to have a day out with DS?

He has a half sister who is autistic level 3 of support but doesn't accept there is anything wrong with him.

I am so miserable. What would you do in my position?

Get copies/photos of his finances - salary, investments, pensions, savings, income other than salary, mortgage and LTV details

See a solicitor. Find out how long the finance split will take

Work out what you're entitled to

Talk to Women's Aid and Citizens advice

Find somewhere else to stay. You can't live with the cunt whilst you divorce him. He'd probably destroy you completely

Divorce him.

You’re a much better person than I am. I couldn’t tolerate him for one single solitary day - the selfishness and self-centred attitude would drive me absolutely mad. I couldn’t live like this, never in a million years.

I absolutely could not live like this. Does he even want to be a husband and father or does he simply want a wife and legacy?

They’ll need to agree a financial split. A solicitor can’t tell you how long that will take.
It completely depends on how complex it is, and how cooperative and reasonable they are.

he’ll have to declare finances in the financial split- I don’t know about you but none of that stuff you mention is on paper in my life in 2025?

maybe start a spreadsheet recording what you know OP.

but- I can’t emphasis enough -don’t expect everything from him in terms of funding, aside from a potential meagre child support. You will be expected to support yourself post divorce, after the financial order has been awarded. Plan for this. Be smart.

Is there a reason why you can’t work at least part time while your DC is at school? You will have to manage work and childcare if you split up.

I just want to say thank you to all the replies.
I'm sobbing as I write this. I feel more empowered by your messages than in 2 years of having therapy.
He always said my "expectations" of a husband and a dad were not realistic in British culture (I came to this country because of him). But I could see in school other dad's helping. I could see other people enjoying their lives, going out and having fun as a family. All your replies only opened my eyes that I am not crazy. I'm not asking too much.
Thank you! I wish you all a life full of blessings ❤️❤️❤️

That's unbearable, I couldn't live like that. It's absolutely not normal. It sounds to me like he enjoys making you uncomfortable and upset; he doesn't actually care about the things he is bitching about, he's doing it just to do it. Dump the bully and go and have a lovely and peaceful life without him.

Leave him - thats the only solution he is making your life a misery and will eventually make your childs life just as bad.

If you’re unhappy then obviously you can leave. You don’t need permission from anyone on here.

But I disagree with posters calling him a “cunt”. A man who likely has autism and works fulltime to enable the OP to be a SAHM. He’s not drinking, taking drugs, gambling, sleeping around or hitting the OP. But it suits everyone’s narrative to make him out to be the worst person in the world because the MN general stance is to want other people’s marriages to fail.

Surely you try counselling first?

He always said my "expectations" of a husband and a dad were not realistic in British culture (I came to this country because of him).

ALLLLLLL the red flags.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Why have you stayed for so long? Leave. Divorce him. Don’t give him a second chance, don’t give him ultimatums. Just leave him. You may have to continue living in the same house until the financials are complete and divorce is done, but loads of divorcing couples have to do that. It’s short term pain.

See a solicitor and serve him divorce papers.

The way he behaves is how an awful husband and father behaves. It is not because of British culture. He is just a shit husband and dad.

Your bar is in hell.

“She is basically a single mother and he is emotionally draining but hey - he does not cheat, take drugs or hit her so is he really that bad?”

Jesus H Christ….

This is an unbearable situation to be in OP.
You need to leave him, and it sounds like you are ready to start putting the wheels in motion to do so. You sound lovely and I am sure you have a happy, full new life ahead of you!

Divert him onto this thread and get him to argue with the entire internet instead.

God this is so sad to read. @blmom you sound utterly worn out and no wonder.

This isn't normal, and it's not acceptable.

I'd be finding a solicitor and filing for divorce. Don't waste any more years of your life letting this selfish man grind you down.

A mixture of coming from a broken home, having a narcissistic mother and believing all his excuses. I'm used to not have a voice, to be pleasing others instead of myself. Initially the problem about not having a life was money, so I created a whole life for us (I'm a qualified lawyer and convinced him to qualify too, helped him in everything I could).
Once I became a mom I realised I wouldn't do to my child the things my parents did to me. My perspective about how I am treated by others completely changed. Only then I realised I'm used to abuse.
However, I'm no victim. I was trying to live with him as he is for DC stability, but the arguments are relentless.
Sometimes it's ok for 3 weeks, I think "now it's going to change" and then all happens again.

I promise you, living in a home with parents who argue constantly and a dad who is disinterested and mean, and selfish is not stability.

What you’re doing is not the best thing for your kid. I’m sorry but it’s just not. The home life you have is not what you want your kid to see, and it’s certainly not how you want your kid to behave as an adult.

I agree with @Bobiverse
And also it's easier to leave when the kids are younger.

Do you mind if I ask you and everybody else what is a happy stable home in your eyes? I don't have a reference.
How often a healthy couple argue? How do they resolve things? How do you feel in a relationship?
I have suggested counselling but he thinks I'm the problem and he doesn't need counselling.
Your reply made me think I'm replicating exactly the home I had as a kid and that's scary.

Is it ok if I PM you?

We've "argued" three times in 18 years. By which I mean that one of us has been upset at some point during to conversation. Other that that we have discussions, one or both of us compromises without it getting to a point where one of us is upset . Even while arguing, neither of us has shouted, insulted the other or called each other a vile name.

We're a team, even when we're arguing we're a team. It's still us against the world, even when we disagree hugely about how to deal with it.

While you are deciding what to do a few things that might help if he does have autism.
Give him plenty of notice of ..say minding his ds..as sudden requests will not work.
Instead of asking him send a message on his phone or leave a note as he may have a reaction to spoken..what he will see as orders.
Get his mum to speak to him as sounds like he is close to her but only if she is supportive to you and aware of his carry on.
Its good you are a trained lawyer as hopefully you can get work and become independent. You have done well by your ds until now so it's absolutely fine for him to go to day care after school while you work. Then, when you are ready break free. Meantime put as much money as you can away to help you get started and detach yourself from your dh so you are not hurt by his behaviour..just let him off to watch the stupid TV for hours.

Depends - he's never going to turn into a satisfactory equal partner. Sounds like you are his mother, his carer, and the person he fathers children with. If I were you, I'd leave the relationship.

This. My mum and dad argued for years, it got really bad. We knew they didn't like each other.

We had a nice home, nice clothes, nice holidays ect..... but when I think back to my childhood I don't think of the nice things we had, I think back to my mum and dad arguing and shouting at each other and how scared we all felt.

Out of all 4 siblings..... none of us have had healthy relationships as adults and I do partially blame the relationship we grew up watching.

I'd make plans to leave or your child could go on to repeat this relationship when their older

You’re way too good for him and he’s taking advantage of your kind nature. Please leave.