Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH argues non stop and it's making me miserable

72 replies

blmom · 28/10/2025 17:44

DH has a high paid job, I'm a SAHM and we have a 5y DS. I do absolutely everything for DC, have no support whatsoever as we live far away from both families due to DH's job.
I would love to work, but I feel like a single parent as well as the only source of attention my DS has. We have friends and I do my best to allow DS to socialise, but everybody has their lives.
DH works from home and sleeps until 9am. Finishes work around 6pm and has the evening for himself. I also think he is autistic. He has no interest in socialising with anyone. Only talks to me and to his mom. Never wants to go out with DS. Parenting for him is watching TV all day long while DS is on a tablet. Same when we are on holiday. He just doesn't have a lot of energy to do much.

He has a lot of energy to argue though. Endless arguments on a loop about the most trivial things. I ask to stop multiple times. I say it's not the right moment. He simply doesn't stop until I break. Then I have "anger problems".
Example: I'm hosting a halloween party Friday for the kids. He took 3 days off. I asked him to have DS for one day so I can clean and organise the house. I asked if he can take DS out to the barbers, etc. He said he will do whatever he wants (watching TV) and I don't have a say in that. He has been arguing about it for 24 hours.

I think this is extremely draining to our relationship. I feel I'm wasting my life in a relationship where I have to shut down anything I want if I want to live in peace.

My question is: Is it normal to argue so much and so long for trivial things? Is it too much to ask my partner to have a day out with DS?

He has a half sister who is autistic level 3 of support but doesn't accept there is anything wrong with him.

I am so miserable. What would you do in my position?

OP posts:
VikaOlson · 28/10/2025 17:47

None of it is normal. I couldn't live like that.

Arlanymor · 28/10/2025 17:47

You have two children. Other than the financial contribution it sounds as if he does absolutely nothing, including parenting.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 28/10/2025 17:48

Goodness gracious I feel drained just reading you op…. I’d be looking at getting back to work and the getting the f out of that soul destroying “relationship “ he is not a partner or a friend or a good dad. Does he have any redeeming qualities?

TheTwitcher11 · 28/10/2025 17:49

Leave - the autism you could deal with, the selfishness is the issue

AllTheWatersTurnedToClouds · 28/10/2025 17:49

I'd leave. Sod that for a game of soldiers.

Vaxtable · 28/10/2025 17:49

Leave life is to short to put up with that

AllPlayedOut · 28/10/2025 17:49

That is in no way normal. It will not improve and you and your children deserve better.

soupyspoon · 28/10/2025 17:50

He probably is on the spectrum people dont usually behave that way without there being something wrong

But you are not responsible for mopping that up or managing that for him, he is either wanting to be a parent and father or he doesnt, he cant have his cake and eat it. If he was interested perhaps in learning how to manage his disorder (diagnosied or not) and developing coping skills, parenting skills, social skills etc, that might be one thing and he would really have to be showing committment to that and making changes quickly, but if he cant or wont (and it makes no odds which of those it is if you have to live with it), then he needs to leave really

Sounds horrific

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 28/10/2025 17:51

It's not normal to argue so much but you don't have much choice, not many people would accept a partner who does work and nothing else - no emotional or practical support, no parenting, no share of chores. His behaviour is not normal, and not fair

HellsBalls · 28/10/2025 17:51

I was on a ‘stress and coping’ workshop this week, because of incoming mass redundancies.

One thing that stuck out was that a chronic toxic relationship was much worse for your health than going through a divorce, to the point of shortening your lifespan.

AlphaApple · 28/10/2025 17:51

What was he like before you married him??

GreggWallacesTrousers · 28/10/2025 17:52

Personal experience of level 1 ASD partner who did the same, worsened with age. Pathological resistance to cooperation and a constant need to be contradictory. Make plans to leave, you’ll end up absolutely broken by this.

OneKhakiFish · 28/10/2025 17:53

He is living as a single man with the benefits of having a wife to do absolutely everything, id have to pack his stuff and tell him i dont want to be your mummy anymore, absolute manchild

Squirrrel · 28/10/2025 17:55

So sorry OP, I am in a similar boat. Don't know what to do. Following for advice.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 28/10/2025 17:56

AlphaApple · 28/10/2025 17:51

What was he like before you married him??

leave him he is a knob

soupyspoon · 28/10/2025 17:56

GreggWallacesTrousers · 28/10/2025 17:52

Personal experience of level 1 ASD partner who did the same, worsened with age. Pathological resistance to cooperation and a constant need to be contradictory. Make plans to leave, you’ll end up absolutely broken by this.

This

I love the naive poster above, the autism apparently the OP can deal with but not the selfishness

Er, one is causing the other. He wont change, his brain is wired like that.

IsawwhatIsaw · 28/10/2025 17:57

I would get legal advice first what you would be entitled to on separation.
i couldn’t live like this , it will make you ill and is no environment for a young child .
Then Look at what jobs might suit you, or volunteering or training.

Notusualnameobvs · 28/10/2025 17:58

@blmom absolutely from experience this won't improve. This could be autism with a PDA profile and honestly it only gets worse with age. My AuDHD PDA DH will argue black is white about absolutely everything and can start an argument in an empty room. It's exhausting and alienating.
You've boxed yourself into a bit of a corner being a SAHM. My saving grace has always been financial independence. Think about what you need to do to have a reasonable life if you decide to bale out.

ChaToilLeam · 28/10/2025 17:59

I'd be looking to leave. This is no life, you're skivvy to a selfish man who has no interest in family life. Sad, but you can't change him.

Gettingbysomehow · 28/10/2025 18:00

I would divorce him immediately and nothing would stop me..
Shitty behaviour is not an autism diagnosis.
It's just shitty behaviour and he has zero respect for you.

Meadowfinch · 28/10/2025 18:02

That is no relationship. He makes you miserable all the time, gives you no support, ignores his child, deprives you of a life.

For heavens sake, leave. You won't lose anything, your ds will grow up with better healthier examples, you will be happier and a better mum..

Bambamhoohoo · 28/10/2025 18:05

I’d caution against the LEAVE posters. Think about the practicalities and what you need longer term.

firstly, obviously don’t leave. You won’t have anywhere to live or any income to pay for it.

a divorce is quick and easy but the financial split is not. Is there enough equity in the house to fund 2 homes? How will you raise or repay any mortgage you will need to take out?

see a solicitor, get the lie of the land and plan. Do you have a job you can go back to? If not why not let him fund you sorting out a post divorce career?

there arent simple solutions here- be smart! Get what you can from him first.

Original poster
blmom · 28/10/2025 18:07

AlphaApple · 28/10/2025 17:51

What was he like before you married him??

He tried to go out a lot more. However, it was never to my satisfaction. The excuse was always that we didn't have enough money. We got money, then he was too tired about commuting to London everyday. Now he works from home and still not much energy. If we go out, I know he is doing it for me, as a favour, as he has no interest whatsoever.
In terms of house chores, he likes to cook and used to do it for us. I always did everything else. He cooks for himself now as he can't accommodate what DS will eat or DS routines.

I have a big problem with the "before" as I feel I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I tried to be reasonable, to be understanding. I gave my heart and soul to get to where we are today thinking we would finally enjoy life. Here I am years later learning it was all excuses.

OP posts:
Bambamhoohoo · 28/10/2025 18:09

blmom · 28/10/2025 18:07

He tried to go out a lot more. However, it was never to my satisfaction. The excuse was always that we didn't have enough money. We got money, then he was too tired about commuting to London everyday. Now he works from home and still not much energy. If we go out, I know he is doing it for me, as a favour, as he has no interest whatsoever.
In terms of house chores, he likes to cook and used to do it for us. I always did everything else. He cooks for himself now as he can't accommodate what DS will eat or DS routines.

I have a big problem with the "before" as I feel I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I tried to be reasonable, to be understanding. I gave my heart and soul to get to where we are today thinking we would finally enjoy life. Here I am years later learning it was all excuses.

Show quote history

It doesn’t matter about the before. Even if you were fine with it then, it’s ok to change and not be fine with it now. You don’t need to justify your decision to end your marriage

Yabayabadoo · 28/10/2025 18:13

Don’t waste more of your life, cut your ties as the regret of staying will cut deeper and deeper the more years you waste.