Reduced Child Maintenance & my Ex has Changed my DS's Surname

[Intothesunshine]

So, I posted a message earlier this year about my ill health and retirement.

CSA became involved as my ex didn't believe me. Anyway, HMRC and CSA confirmed my income and payments were reduced by 66%.

Now, my ex has changed his surname to her maiden name and without my consent. I have PR and named as father on Birth Certificate (we were married when DS was born).

I know he has a choice when he is 16 or 18, but FFS, why has she she gone and done this!!??

Feel very angry, but she is a complete narcissist and wants me to react so I am the bad one. It's hard to keep quiet but FFS, she has really pissed me and my other children right off !!

Baffling that everyone is calling the mum a narcissist. Op has no evidence at all that any legal change has taken place. Just that the sports club calls the son by his preferred name. Op seems like the kind of man who knee-jerk blames everything on his ex-wife. Many of us know men like that, and none of them are lovely men

And anyway, it's my opinion that it makes no sense for a child not to have the surname of his primary parent.

I share a surname with my awful estranged Dad but I've made peace with that and I've lived with it for decades, it's my own name now. But if I'd known I had a choice at 16 I'd have changed it.

Chances are it’s not legally changed, he’s just decided to go by that surname. I’d be more worried about why your son no longer wants to share your name than what his mum is doing.

Its not your choice.

I changed my surname before that age, much to my narcissistic deadbeat father who believed I was property of him disgust. It was NOTHING to do with my mother (who kept her married name after divorce anyway). She thought it was a fad I would grow out of so never legally changed it but nope. Went by it non legally for years then changed it at 18 and never changed it again even after marriage been 20 years now.

Parents don't 'own' children, you can't just put your name on them to stake a claim. At 15 I'm telling you it was the kids choice not his parents to change his name at school and his clubs to something else.

Why do you think having your label on the kid is some kind of win? Your not thinking about your child at all only your own vanity. You have made this all about you and your feelings even though its not your life or identity and thats probably quite telling of why the child has made this choice.

"Need to check with school now !!"

Why would you bother? Your son is 15 and his future is being set up with his mother's name. A pp mentioned one of your other posts, and from your words and tone, it sounds very much like you weren't happy about his existence at the time. Nothing you say in this post sounds very loving. It's obvious you resent your ex and your divorce settlement and all of that surely affects your feelings for your son. Let him use the name he's chosen. At his age, it may not be the final choice he makes.

Same, My children have my DH surname and I chose not to change mine again as all my achievements are under then name I legally changed to at 18.

Its never once been an issue, no one has ever questioned it and I'm certainly no less a mam than anyone whose kid has the same surname. We have blended families of all types in my family and friend groups so its really not even unusual for families to have several different surnames.

Ask your son what name he wants to go by. Maybe he simply prefers his mothers surname

If your son feels you are shirking your responsibilities, yes, that will affect your relationship, which is why he is going by his mother's surname. It sounds like she has always been the primary parent.

Can you link to your previous thread for some context?

Ultimately though it’s up to your DS what he calls himself. As others have said, you don’t own him. You don’t even own the name - even if he does end up going by the same name as you, it’s not your name, it would be his name. Same re if he uses the same name as your ex. Neither name confers ownership by a particular parent.

If he wants to go by the same name as the Mum who raised him, then that does make a lot of sense tbh.

Maybe concentrate on trying to be supportive, undemanding and forging a relationship with him, with his interests at heart.

I feel like the whole “being Welsh” aspect of this was somewhat superfluous!

Why shouldn't she? What does the child think? I think it's nuts that any child has their father's surname when parents are separated - unless he's doing >50% childcare, which you're clearly not or maintenance wouldn't be a factor.

Sorry it was just easier to say that than explaining it with some vague “non English heritage sounding name” or whatever.

It’s extremely likely, given he’s nearly 16, that he has chosen to use his mother’s name.

If you don’t have enough resources to pay agreed child support, how do you think it will go down if you waste money trying to force him to change his name to yours?

Agree. At that age they’re not going to be told to change their name unwillingly. Fighting this would
make the OP look like an asshat. I get that it’s hurtful, but there’s not much to be done.

Are you sure this has been done officially? as she can't do that without a court order or your permission. My mum gave me her husbands surname (not my Dad) throughout all my childhood, in schools, doctors, dentist you know everywhere. I wasn't allowed to go by my legal name until I went to college and I got hold of my birth certificate and changed it everywhere myself. I suspect that is what your ex has done rather than legally changing it.

Maybe I was being picky, or not understanding an important point, but I thought a name change is a name change regardless of different nationalities being involved.

This. He's 15, probably chose to change it himself.

It’s not really about nationalities. I’m not having a go at Welsh people. I was just giving an example of what someone I know had done with regard to name changing. They happen to be Welsh, or at least they like to identify as being Welsh! Whether they were Scottish, Irish, Swedish is irrelevant. I think you’re trying to insinuate that me leaving in the detail of her nationality is somehow racist against Welsh people. It’s not. It’s just a detail I chose not to omit. Again nothing against Welsh people, it just happens to be the case in this scenario. I’m not really sure what you’re trying to gain. What do you want me to say? Sorry for leaving in a factual detail in case it offends other Welsh people..?

Wheres they pulling the money they dont have from? Because id love you to enlighten us so we could all do that 🙄

The world is full of financially unstable non residential father's who have a bond with their teen children to the point that they would know about a name change from their children themselves.
You don't get to claim victimhood when you obviously have not pulled your finger out , pertaining to having a relationship with your son.
This whole scenario has fuck all to do with the fact that you are broke.
You have not put in the work, emotionally with your son.

That is the issue and not being able to financially provide is the cherry on the top.

How much custody of him do you actually have? AFAIK if it was 50/50 there wouldn’t be any maintenance to pay? So your ex is the resident parent? In that case, it makes sense he’d want to change his name as his mum is the main stay in his life.

Doesn’t look like the Op is coming back here but he’s said in other threads he’s has no contact with his son since he was 10/11. Of course blames this on ‘parental alienation’.

He is 15
Let it go

I remember a girl at my school doing this at about that age. She changed her name from her dad's surname to her mum's maiden name as she didn't like her dad for whatever reason. Definitely wouldn't assume it's the mum being petty tbh... could just be he's annoyed with you and wants to use his mum's name. Could even be that he fancies a change

If he was a baby, that would be quite different

You have found one instance of your 15 year old son using his mother’s maiden name, that doesn’t automatically mean that your Ex is behind it. However, if she is behind it please don’t go in all guns blazing, think about your son and what a difficult position he is in. It is no fun being a child of high conflict parents.

You are his father, his surname can’t change that. Take it from a mother who has a child who has her absent father’s surname.