Reduced Child Maintenance & my Ex has Changed my DS's Surname

[Intothesunshine]

So, I posted a message earlier this year about my ill health and retirement.

CSA became involved as my ex didn't believe me. Anyway, HMRC and CSA confirmed my income and payments were reduced by 66%.

Now, my ex has changed his surname to her maiden name and without my consent. I have PR and named as father on Birth Certificate (we were married when DS was born).

I know he has a choice when he is 16 or 18, but FFS, why has she she gone and done this!!??

Feel very angry, but she is a complete narcissist and wants me to react so I am the bad one. It's hard to keep quiet but FFS, she has really pissed me and my other children right off !!

15? Let it go. He can legally change it at 16.

How much contact do you have with your son?
Also whilst it sounds like it he is using his mother's maiden name, it would have been very difficult to change it without your knowledge. The name he is using and his legal name could be 2 very different things.
Why is speaking to the school your priority, rather than to your son?
Your son is 15, soon to be 16. 16 isn't that far off 18, when he will be legally an adult and able to choose what sort of relationship he has with his parents without any court intervention. How you act now will still be fresh in his mind by then. Is this a hill you want to die on?

At 15 that’s his choice. He wants his mums name. Leave him to it

Have you confirmed that your ex forced him into it rather than him choosing to do it, and how?
How old are your other children and are they from the same mother, why are they pissed off?

Hey everyone, I'm not looking to fight her or some of you on here who seem to feel it's your place to post difficult messages.

I know it's his choice if it really is his choice and not hers.

I haven't made an issue of it with him or her.

Let's leave it there...

It's called responsibility.

Ask your son when you next speak to him if he’s nearly 16. If you have a great relationship with him and this is coming from a place of care you’ll be seeing him or speaking to him very soon? There’s no reason why he should have your name over his mothers, or any surname of his choosing

The fact that you found out from a rugby article and don’t have a good enough relationship with your son for him to tell you directly says it all really.

This

I’m sorry that you find some of the comments difficult. And that wasn’t my intention, responding because you quoted me. What I’m meaning is that if your ds wants this, which at 15 is more likely than not, and in order to attempt to maintain a healthy relationship with your ds, it would be best to let it go.

So in your 2nd post you say you are going to contact the school who will highly likely talk to you son and his mum about the name change. So you are making an issue of it.

You haven’t answered anyone who has asked how often you see your son and that you found out about the name change through a 3rd party, to me that suggests you don’t have a great relationship and your son has decided to change his name because he wants to.

Oh. OK. I think the majority here have posted sound advice based on what you've told us so far?
Speak to him and ask him if you feel you can. If he has chosen it, you can move on and stop being so pissed off at your ex.

If your son has seen your other post where you said this regarding having another child in your late 40s, I’m not surprised they have changed his surname.
“I'm not saying I forced to have intercourse but it was close, and I really really did not want or need another child at that point in life”

What's in a name? The important thing is that he survives the oh so dangerous teenage years without picking up addictions or turning into a thug. Work on your relationship with him instead. Women are forever living with children who don't have their name and don't kick up a fuss

My children don’t share my surname and I don’t feel any less connected to them as a result. Just a bit jealous they have one that’s easier to spell than mine.

Can I ask why it's really pissed your other kids off? He isn't less of a brother because he has a different surname. It really has no impact on them at all.

What is your relationship with your son like?

Not necessarily. They may have a fine relationship and the son didn't want to tell OP because he thinks it might hurt his feelings. If the son simply didn't tell him for a reason like that, then how else would he have found out? He could see him all the time and never know until he saw it written down somewhere.

You have no contact with your son. He’s clearly made this choice himself. Interesting you immediately concluded it was all your ex wife’s fault.

I’m sorry for you and your DS. My DP’s ex is similar. She likes to think she is Welsh. She’s about 1/4 Welsh in reality but she likes to emphasise how very Welsh she is at every available opportunity (she even gets the kids to give out daffodils on st David’s day! It’s really cringe 😬). Her surname is Welsh. My partner’s DD has a Welsh first name but has never been called that. She goes by her middle name and always has since she was born. The DC had my DP’s surname as they weren’t married. When they split she unofficially changed their surname to her Welsh surname and started labelling all the DD’s things with her first name instead of the name she was known by!!! So overnight the DD suddenly had everything addressed or labelled with two completely different names to the ones she was known by. All to try and establish how she was the main parent. What child wants to have their names changed without their consent like that? She didn’t want a different name! I will never understand how people can use their children to get back at their ex.

How much contact do you have with your son? What has he said when you’re asked him about it?

I understand why you’d be upset but narcissists/abusers love power and so the worst thing you can do is give it to her.

Do not mention anything to her or your son and just try and maintain a good relationship with him separate to his mum.

It may be worth questioning (yourself only) whether he chose this and was that out of ease, if his mum is the one signing things etc or out of frustration towards you.

Yes, this! In my twenties I changed my surname to my mother's maiden name because my father's surname caused constant problems with both spelling and pronunciation.

It is possible that if your surname is Hebden-Lloyd or Cholmondeley or Lehmann and her maiden name is Cook or Lee or Shaw, he actually prefers hers to yours simply because he will never again have to spell it out to anyone or tell them how it is pronounced.

The 15year old must have agreed

You remind me of my Dad who, when I was age 28, told me I shouldn't have put my nickname on my wedding invitations "without asking his permission" as he'd chosen my (awful) first name. He'd assumed I'd done a deed poll and changed my first name legally (I haven't, I just go by my nickname with everyone I know).

Nb, I'd never even lived with him as a child. What right had he to "own" my name, the dickhead.

The outcome was that he was uninvited from my wedding and I've never seen him again - tbf it was a final straw moment where my eyes were finally opened to his utter narcissism.

Op, don't be that guy. You don't own your son. If you go too heavy handed with him now he's on the cusp of adulthood, you'll become a distant memory. I don't know you to know if this'll be a good outcome or not for your son. For me, it was excellent.