Shouted at someone else’s child, WIBU?

[wooooooop]

NC as might be outing.

I take my 10mo DS to a small church hall playgroup, it’s mostly free play time with a singing session at the end. It’s been a lovely group thus far, DS has a great time there and I get to interact with other adults! There is a little boy there of about 3 or 4, he’s never supervised by his Mum who is always sitting at the other end of the hall chatting, or on her phone. DS and I usually steer clear of him as he seems quite a boisterous child, and he often snatches toys from the other children.

DS and I were playing with baby toys today, and I didn’t notice the other boy approaching from behind us until he kicked my poor little DS in the back as he reached for a toy I instinctively shouted at him (I didn’t say anything horrible to him, I was just so shocked at what he’d done that I shouted at him to go away), he clearly went to tell his Mum that I’d told him off as she came storming over demanding to know why I’d shouted at her child while I was trying to comfort my own sobbing baby. I was more angry with her than her DS so I told her that if she’d supervised her little bully, I wouldn’t have had to shout at him and my baby wouldn’t have been hurt. Instead of apologising for her son’s behaviour, she went to the group leader and asked for me to be banned from the group!

I’m so upset, I don’t know if I overreacted or not as this is my first child and therefore my first rodeo with playgroups!

I’ve never been at a playgroup where older children are kicking babies in the back over a toy. and I have been to a lot of them.

Yep! I know plenty of 3 year olds and the vast majority are fantastic children because they have fantastic parents.

There’s a 3yo at one of the playgroups we go to who greets my DS by name every week, and brings him a toy. Lovely, gentle child, with a lovely Mum!

Children need supervision. That can't happen if their parent or carer is sitting scrolling through Instagram instead.

That's why you supervise them though.

The issue wasn't the kid attempting to take the toy and pushing a younger child on the way, the issue was the mother not being there to prevent it from happening.

When my son got to that phase of pushing babies around, I was being particularly vigilant in situations with younger children. And the few times I failed to get to him in time, I was very apologetic to the parents and child, not trying to defend his behaviour.

I also think that if the child was indeed 3, then it's quite old to behave in that way. They definitely know better by then, or should do if they had been told it's not ok to push or hit other children.

That’s not what you said in your OP.

I didn’t notice the other boy approaching from behind us until he kicked my poor little DS in the back as he reached for a toy

HTH

As he reached for a toy sounds like an accident.

I think what you said and did was perfectly fine. If it upset this child to be shouted at, then it's up to his parents to actually supervise him and teach him that other people are not going to like it if he is physical with other children, particularly littler ones.

It isn't very nice of you to call a child a bully and a little darling. Your language around this child is very telling

Oh behave. Either this kid is old enough to understand that what he did was wrong, or he's not, and therefore the conversation with his mother won't have been noticed or listened to. A mother should be capable of having a conversation with her child about behaviour, and about how because of how he hurt the baby, the baby's mum was upset and said some things that might have been a bit mean, but it was because she was shocked and upset. And that he needs to understand that if he does something mean like kick a baby, he might get a mean response back.

All it is "telling" us is that OP is protective of her baby, and was annoyed that her child was hurt because of another mothers inaction. Not a lot of sympathy in these comments for @wooooooop despite the fact that it was actually the other mother who stoked the fire after the incident!

Why are you trying so hard to defend this child? You weren't there. OP was. Sure there's two sides to the story but we have one here and you're trying to make out that OP is lying, for what reason I don't know.

An older child at softplay recently hit my head very hard with a hard piece of plastic thrown from height. Mum completely engrossed on her phone. I actually went up to her (and I am usually not confrontational) but I asked her why she wasn't supervising her child as the piece that hit me on the head bloody hurt and that the damage to another child could have been severe. If her child couldn't be trusted not to throw hard plastic objects,they shouldn't be allowed to play with them. She looked a little shocked, said sorry, then went back to her phone. Some mums are just utterly shite. I get needing a break 100%, but it makes my blood boil.

OP didn't escalate things with the mother. The mother escalated with her, and she responded.

Also, I'd refute what you're saying about three year olds. I have had three of them. None of them behaved like this. Two of them were biters (of each other) which was mortifying enough, but that was why I always watched them like a hawk when we were with other children. I think by three they had stopped that though.

Your braver than me so well done 😄

I was tempted to tell an unsupervised child off at the park today. Kept running up the slide while my daughter was trying to come down. In the end another mum told him off ... I silently commended her.

The mum of this boy at your baby group is BU.

Shouting "go away" in shock - reasonable. You were surprised and upset so you didn't have a beautifully prepared speech fot why it is unacceptable to kick a baby. And it probably had more of an impact on him than a wordy explanation that might be beyond 3yo comprehension/attention.

Yanbu to be annoyed at lack of supervision. I will say though that these can happen very quickly and toddlers will do u reasonable things to each other even if closely watched (one if my 4 was a biter. Horrible stage, so embarrassing and upsetting for all if I didn't grab him quickly enough. Left early from so many things). Mine have given/received bumps on several occasions. Kicking admittedly I haven't often seen in a toddler group, but shoving and snatching is common with 2 year olds in particular.

Calling him a bully..... not good. You obviously lost your temper as you were so upset at your baby being hurt. In an ideal world you wouldnt have said that. Don't worry, there will be other occasions and hopefully your baby will be bigger and you may be able to maintain your cool more easily. Pulling her up for lack of supervision when she approached you is fair, but really you're best maintaining your calm and the moral highground.

3 and 4 year olds will generally be less supervised than tiny ones. Yes, mums absolutely should still have an eye, I always try to keep an eye on each of mine (admittedly not much of one on the 9yo!), but at a distance as its important that they learn to socialise and interact a bit more separately from you as they approach school age. That does leave more room for the odd incident.

As he (my son) reached for a toy, he was kicked by the other child. Everyone else understood that, sorry if you couldn’t.

Shit parenting an entitling behaviour on the part of the mum

My reading was the baby was reaching for the toy. The 4 yo walked up behind him, deliberately kicked the baby in the back and snatched the toy (which the baby had been reaching for).

You're reading it as the 4yo came over, reached for the toy and, in doing so, inadvertently kicked the baby in the back.

Given the mother's upset, I think my interpretation might be what she meant.

32 years ago a child raked his nails down my then 6month old baby's face at a similar group. Too bloody right I had a go, his mum bleated that he liked babies but didn't know how to say hello. I went apeshit, she had been sitting on the other side of the room with other mums yakking. I spoke to the organisers and they told her he needed closer supervision. I refused to do the mums tea rota etc until he was supervised as I needed to protect my child constantly. Did I let him anywhere near her again, no chance.

If someone kicked my baby then yes, I would shout at them. I would expect the same if my child kicked a baby.

Yes you were pretty awful

There's a way of dealing with things with children and adults and it's not that

If my child had been the one to do this to yours (which i hope they never would!) I would have appreciated you shouting to give them a fright and hopefully theyd never do it again

Do you want to share with the class?

?

I’ve intervened and sternly told many a ”boisterous” toddler “no thank you, go away now” over the years at various baby groups. Funnily enough, it’s the children with mums who are easily outraged by this that carry the behaviour on well through their childhoods. The children whose mums just missed that moment, and are apologetic, tend to outgrow the behaviour. Imagine that! Almost like the little apples don’t fall far from their trees.

Actually there was at least one other that read it that way. You sound nasty - bullies usually do bellow the loudest.

Yep I can see that now, thank you for explaining it kindly.